He says I gave up a right to a life of my own when "I" decided to have kids. He says I'm a bad mother because I spend more time working than I do with the children. However, I'd be willing to stay home if he was willing to provide an avenue for that. It hasn't happened yet so why keep insulting me? I'm doing the best job I can and contributing financially to the household. He told me I was emotional and selfish and that I should grow up so my children won't be losers.
I told him he is really hurting me and that I don't understand why he is so hard on me.
How do I deal with an emotionally abusive husband who feels he's perfect and that my feelings are stupid and just an excuse to feel down?
2007-11-28 07:36:43 · 18 answers · asked by That Deal 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He's not willing to go to counseling. He can afford to allow me to stay home but refuses. We've been together 15 years so I feel obligated and trapped. I know this is an excuse on my part but I'm so confused. Oh and I have had this conversation with him at least 15 times - no less than once a year.
2007-11-28 07:49:17 · update #1
No I am not materialist at all - he is the one that wants all these things so that's what he does with his income. Mine goes for the motgage, gas and groceries.
2007-11-28 07:54:41 · update #2
First of all, tell him what you just told us. That you would be happy to work less and be home more, if he thinks he can provide financially for you to do so.
This may be the problem. Men feel they should be the "bread winners," and since he isn't able to provide adequately for his family he may feel guilty and have low self esteem and be taking it out on you.
I would also remind him that when you live in a family where both parents work, each parent is as responsible as the other for the care of the children and caring for the home. So if your children are not getting the time and attention they need, it is as much his fault as it is yours.
If you are really desperate, quit your job or take a leave of absence. Let him see how far he can get without your income. In about a month, he may be singing a different tune and appreciate your hard work more.
Bottom line, if he can't quit being unsupportive and emotionally abusive, he'll have to go.
2007-11-28 07:44:02 · answer #1 · answered by wondermom 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Honestly I can see your leaving ALOT out of this story,
So what I can Say is this,
Are material things very important to you
IS this the real reasson why your working, because you want MORE or a BETTER life,
Do you Need the Dolce Gabbana perfume and Gap clothes for your kids,
If these are things that are important to you then I would have to say , in my opinion that YES you probably are a bit selfish,
On the other hand, if he doesn't want you to stay home then
what are your options,
Now I can't say for sure who is right and wrong, but i have a feeling you left out the most important parts, because you feared criticism against you
So based on that little it of evidence,
I would have to say yes you probably are more than a little bit spoiled
M
2007-11-28 07:51:55 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'd need more information about the children, such as how old are they, are the unruly, are they being raised properly, is the house a mess? Does he spend any time with them? You say he takes his income and spends it on himself and his toys? Your income is used for the household? It sounds as if he is the selfish one. He needs to be told he must pull his fair share of the child rearing and household chores. If he wants you to do it all, then you tell him you are going to quit and stay at home since a homemaker is a full time job. Easier said than done, and he'll still be the same jerk, maybe even worse.
2007-11-28 08:24:34 · answer #3 · answered by Johanna 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
What a jerk. I suppose he expects you to have dinner cooked for him when he comes home from work too.
As a husband and father of 3 kids, I have NEVER felt that my wife was even 1 bit selfish about wanting to have kids. I don't feel that she gave up a right to a life of her own. I think having kids has improved our lives.
If anyone is selfish I think it's your husband, and he's showing it by being so emotionally abusive like that.
I think he needs counseling, and marriage counseling for the 2 of you I think would be very helpful.
2007-11-28 07:50:29 · answer #4 · answered by Bryan M 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Things need to change and fast. stop the excuses and start standing up for yourself. You shouldn't be paying all of the bills while his money goes to whatever he wants.
IF he refuses to go to counseling, go without him. Get some perspective on why you've allowed yourself to remain in this relationship.
2007-11-28 08:13:04 · answer #5 · answered by LB 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you both need to make a trip to a marriage counselor. There is more going on here than what you present here. A counselor will help both of you identify what the REAL problems are here, and aid you in finding constructive strategies for finding solutions. Your alternative is almost certainly you calling an attorney. The counselor is cheaper. Call one today and make an appointment. Tell your husband you want to go, and tell him to come with you. If he won't, go yourself. I guarantee you that it will open your eyes. Good luck!
2007-11-28 07:44:54 · answer #6 · answered by Mr. Taco 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
So why'd you put up with him for so long? Since he's not willing to do marriage counseling, my next best advice is separation. I normally don't encourage that, but maybe a separation is what's needed to work things out. It may lead to divorce, but then maybe he'll come to his senses.
2007-11-28 08:17:30 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Does he do more than you with the kids? If so, then maybe he needs a change of scenary. Ask him if he'd like to go out one night a week with his friends or plan a mini vacation with him.
2007-11-28 08:32:13 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
First Don't take others comments/opinions as TRUTH
The only opinion that matters is what you think and say to yourself
I have Grown to realize that when someone is accusing/blaming
that they are really talking about them self's
so the next times he commits take a step back and see if he's talking about his own issues
"If you Spot it you got It"
2007-11-28 07:50:51 · answer #9 · answered by mmmkay_us 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Please go to www.drirene.com and read about emotional abuse, the characteristics of the abuser and the victim, I think you fit perfectly in the frame. Take yourself time and read everything and you will be surprised. Also, you may want to consider leaving before things get worse, basically the phisical abuse starts.
2007-11-28 08:55:54 · answer #10 · answered by livingthe30s 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋