What am I doing wrong?

Question

I do not ask alot of my husband.He is a cop and works 12hour shifts,so is off several days a week.I sometimes leave a short list of things for him to do...things I cannot do or find hard to do.I do not ask him to cook or clean or do much with the kids...I do all that and work full time.When he does do what I ask he acts like it is too difficult and that I am asking too much.Like today my list was: 1.hang Christmas lights outside 2.wash clothes (we just got home from a trip and had a ton that I cannot catch up on) and 3.figure out why phone does not work.I just called him (2:30pm and he has not done anything)I think since we are paying for our phone, it should be working and he did not even try and figure it out yet.He also complains when I ask him to do something with the kids, like help the older one with homework, or watch the baby while I bathe, etc.He drinks alot too.He thinks he has to have a case of beer every day he is off, and then some.Please give me advice on what to do.

Answer 1

The question on here, explains it all. It sounds like to me your husband is the one not doing what he is supposed to do but you are blaming yourself. Women tend to that and it is wrong. Stop it!
There is absolutely nothing wrong with expecting your husband to do a few things around his own home and with his own children. The wrong is in the fact that you are having to tell a grown man, who should know just as well as you do, what needs to be done to do it. What is wrong is that even when you draw him a map, he isn't doing his share.

When both of you aren't angry, you really need to sit down together and talk about marriage being a partnership and talk about your expectations of yourself and of each other. Either your husband can step up to the plate or he can't.

With my husband, I finally decided that I was tired of fighting with him and "nagging," him to get anything done so I either did it myself or hired someone to do. After a while, I decided if I have to do everything myself, I might as well be by myself and we divorced.

It is funny now because his new wife is horribly lazy and rarely raises a finger. His house if filthy, she never cooks and certainly does no yard work and there never have a scrap of food in the house. Now he knows how I felt.

Answer 2

He has a highly stressful job. It may or may not be physically demanding, but it's definitely emotionally draining. No one wants to come home to a list of more work, but the reality of life is that there's work to do at home, too, and one spouse should not be stuck doing it all.

Clearly, some of the chores are more important to you than to him. Perhaps that's because his job forces him to view life from a different perspective and some of the "little" things just don't matter to him. Find out which chores he thinks are most important, and let him be primarily responsible for them. You can't force your husband to behave a certain way, telling him to do them comes across as condescending and nagging him about the work only makes you unpleasant to be around.

My husband and I make a point to periodically discuss what really needs to be done and by when. We determine who's going to do it, and then we leave it at that. We're both responsible adults and try to work as a team, so if a job doesn't get done, then it wasn't too terribly important. Sometimes he takes up the slack for me, and I for him. Your husband apparently hasn't yet transferred the concept of teamwork from his job to his marriage. He might need some help with that.

Christmas lights on the house? Tough, tricky job. How important is that, really? Is it absolutely necessary? Is it a need or a preference? Can you decorate for the holidays around not having lights on the outside of the house?

The phone is important. If he's not doing it, ask him if he would mind you purchasing a new one to replace the broken one.

As far as laundry, now that's a need. To lighten your load, have your husband do his own clothes. If he doesn't, then he'll soon learn that his clothes won't get cleaned. If you tell him your expectations and why you just don't have time to do all your chores plus his laundry, perhaps he'll eventually grasp the teamwork idea at home and even do your laundry, too. As long as you keep doing everything, he knows it will get with with or without his help.

On your Honey-Do list, separate the needs from the preferences and (at first) only ask your husband to do the most important or bigger jobs that are needs. If he doesn't do them, you'll just have to live with that (and I know that is not a pleasant thought!) or you'll have to make room for hired help in your budget. (How would he react to that?!)

Despite the work that may need to be done around the house, make the time to go on a date with your husband. So what if it all doesn't get done. Don't focus so much on the chores that you overwork yourself and become bitter, resentful and too tired to be intimate with the man you married. Periodically reminding yourselves why you married each other in the first place is most important. Keep those fires burning, and your husband will be more apt to pitch in and help at home if he can plainly see the "fringe benefits."

His beer guzzling, however, is an entirely different issue! Not good!

Answer 3

If he drinks too much that's one thing. The rest aren't worth arguing over. No more leaving him lists of things to do. I'm sure he doesn't tell you to change the oil and other fluids in the cars, change tires, fix the plumbing, etc. on your days off. Maybe don't ask him to watch the kids while you bathe, don't ask him to help with their homework. I'm sure he knows to be doing that without you asking. If he doesn't hang Christmas lights, who cares? They're coming down in a month or so anyway. If he doesn't wash clothes, oh well, I guess he won't have clean ones. Is it possible he doesn't do a lot of these things because maybe you tell him he does it all wrong? Women can do that at times(as can men), so their husbands eventually quit doing things for them. So my advice is to lay off some.

Answer 4

Instead of giving him a list of chores, make a general list of things that need to get done, then let him choose what he does. Say "Honey, I have so much to do today. If you could help me out with a couple of things, that would be awesome." And put the list on the fridge.

Make sure you give him lots of praise when he does help. It's condescending but if he's going to act like a dog, he'll get trained like one.

Answer 5

Things does not sound too bad. Being a cop is hard work. Here is what you do:
1) Let him know why you wanted him to do it, and what happens if he does not do it. e.g. if the phone is not fixed, we won't be able to get help if something happens. Note: don't say if you don't do it, say if it is not done. So he does not feel like he's told what to do.
2) Say please and thank you. Let him know you appreciate what he does
3) Leave detailed instructions, if you say figure out why phone does not work, he's not going to know what to do. Say call this number, tell them our phone does not work, ask them what they will do about it.
3) Don't check on his progress, he's not your worker bee. Call to say hi, or leave him alone on his days off. At night, ask him "did you call the phone company", if he says he didn't, then say "that's alright, I'll call them tomorrow". Don't make him feel bad or guilty, or he won't do anything.
Drinking beer is still acceptable. I love beer too. It's his way to unwind because being a cop is very stressful. You put your life on the line everyday. As long as he is not getting drunk then leave him be.

Answer 6

Sounds like you have done everything before and he's set in his ways. The best thing to do is tell him he can do it better. I once told my husband he could get the black stuff off the pots and pans where I could not...He cleaned them all the time after that. Men thrive on being 'needed' and 'praised'. Praise him for what he does do and he will gradually do more.
When you 'nag' he'll get defensive and angry and do nothing at all.

Answer 7

Call Alcoholics Anonymous and ask them to direct you to the nearest Ala-non meetings. The meetings are free and they have the best help any where in the world.

A person is an alcoholic any time their drinking causes problems.

Call them today. Knowledge is your best weapon.

Answer 8

It's time for you to act tougher on him.
He's lazy, and you've done a lot. He's acting like a child.
Throw out the beer and tell him that you need his respect, and he doesn't do enough around the house. Go to your parent's house for a while, and before you leave, yell, "Go ahead, drink yourself to death!"
This will make him realize that you have had enough of him. Words can do a lot. He will probably fix the phone, and do all the things you've asked of him. When he apologizes, come home, but not until he becomes more mature.

Answer 9

I hate to be blunt but I think you know what you need to do. You need to put your foot down. Especially if he is drinking. Your kids def don't deserve to be around that. You need to explain to him how you feel and ask him straight up what he is going to do to help!!! I hope it works out. Good luck!