My husband moved back home after our separation due to his affair. While he was gone, I rearranged the house and made it my own. I took over his closet and rearranged everything.
When he came back, he put all of his stuff in an extra room. He was looking around yesterday for a place to store some of his stuff and saw that my stuff is everywhere. He even joked about having his closet back. What should we do?
Then he was picking at me too. He was the one that messed up and cheated, but he is mad because an old boyfriend contacted me.
How can we start over? He wants things back the way they were and I'm reluctant to rearrange everything again and to let this all go.
2007-11-28 07:06:58 · 17 answers · asked by blue eyes 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
The saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" is not true. People make mistakes...some bigger than others. You should not be so naive as to forgive and forget - it's not even possible, BUT if you choose to forgive him that means that you're choosing to try to work things out. When there is an indiscretion in a relationship it takes nothing short of time and lots of open communication (on both ends) to get passed it. Despite what some may believe, he's hurt too - he's let himself down for cheating and betraying you. I wish you nothing but the best in getting past this. If you have a hard time dealing with this with just the two of you, perhaps you should seek professional help. My thoughts are with you!
2007-11-28 08:35:53 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
He's worried that you may retaliate and cheat on him; that is why he is upset about the old boyfriend. But, you have to be willing to work together on this and look toward the future; not look at the past.
He figured that it would all be 'great'; just like it was when he came back to you, but it won't ever be the same and it shouldn't be; it should be better - you both have the opportunity to give of yourself to each other; make a new start and leave the rest behind. You are a stronger person now; living through all the mess of him leaving and such and he is not used to that. Take it day to day and allow it to grow into a loyal, trusting, adoring relationship. Good luck
2007-11-28 19:46:26 · answer #2 · answered by pussycat 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't start over because you can't change the past. I guess the only true way to start over is for both of you to develop amnesia and then have no one else remind you of it afterwards. Starting over is a myth, and is merely a catch phrase. You simply have to get past it. If it was just for sex and non-emotional then realize it was just that and move on. If it was emotion involved then you have to realize that he is wants to be with you, and he should by now realize what he has and will not screw it up. These are just things that you need to think if you are going to take him back, but you are well within your rights to call it quits though. Once you give him that chance though you have to give it 100% and not look back. Good luck.
2007-11-28 17:04:47 · answer #3 · answered by No one 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Things can never be "The way they were" ever again, because he CHEATED! You can try to work things out- if you still love him- but don't let him put you down, you did nothing wrong- HE DID! You will always be a little learry about what he's doing- is he cheating again, who's he with, why's he looking at her, who's he talking to on the phone? You might not have been a jealous/paranoid person before, but he has now given you every reason to be one. Good Luck- you are a better person than me- I wouldn't have let him come back!
2007-11-28 15:14:46 · answer #4 · answered by Mars1111 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
It's going to take a lot of time and effort to build the trust back again but it can be done, he is obviously feeling very guilty and that is why he is mad about the ex. He can't expect things to settle back overnight and it may take months and months. You are a very strong person for taking him back i'm not sure i could.
2007-11-28 15:13:49 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Good luck. My husband cheated a very long time ago. You may forgive him, but you will never forget. It is a fact of life. He hurt you. You tell him he comes back on your terms. If you want him back in the bedroom you need to make room for him
2007-11-28 15:17:21 · answer #6 · answered by shangib324 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Do not rearrange things for him. Let him know that things have changed, he brought this upon himself, and deal with it.
As far as the old flame, tell him he needs to realize that just because he stopped noticing you doesn't mean other men will.
2007-11-28 15:21:33 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Please don't be one of these women that take back a cheating man, he will always think that way, therefore, he will cheat again. You sound as if you still let him push you around. Be strong and put your foot down, he is now a visitor in your home, so I will just say don't let this guy walk all over you. It's really bad for your self esteem and will stress you out.
2007-11-28 15:15:49 · answer #8 · answered by doc 6 · 3⤊ 2⤋
A THERAPIST WEIGHS IN:
you can NEVER go back. only forward. know that even if he actively cheated BOTH of you are to blame in some way shape and form.
i am a therapist and this is the HARDEST thing for me to get spouses/significant-others to realize.
if you ALWAYS point the finger at him and make him out to be the bad guy, you may as well throw in the towel NOW.
figure out YOUR part in all of this and OWN up to it and call a therapist for 3 sessions a week. one for you, one for him and one for both of you.
do it now.
2007-11-28 15:14:25 · answer #9 · answered by charlton_g_w 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I agree with Charlton.
As Dr. Phil says "We allow how others treat us". Find where you were lax (NOT AGREEING WITH HIM) .. but I mean in general and both of you start fresh. The counselor will not go easy on him, guarantee that .. but fix yourself and use this as a stepping stone, not a breaking point
Good Luck!
2007-11-28 15:20:10 · answer #10 · answered by Queenie` 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋