How to get over hate?

Question

My husband cheated on me with one of his coworkers. This happened more than a year ago, but I'm still hurt, and my heart is filled with anger and hate...not towards him, but towards her. I got over the anger I had for him thanks to his constant efforts to make things better. He admitted his mistake and has done every possible thing to regain my love and my trust. That woman, on the other hand, did nothing but to insult me and tease me whenever I'd see her. I haven't seen her in a long time, since she got fired from her job, but I still feel terrible hate for her, and the only reason why I want to get rid of this feeling is because she doesn't deserve any of my time or emotions. BTW, they cheated while I was grieving my father...I guess that just made things easier for them. Please help me recover my sanity. I'll do anything to forget this nightmare.

Answer 1

Most importantly realize this:
Hate does more to vessel in which it it is stored
than unto the vessel upon which it is poured.

This is so true. Hating this woman is doing nothing, absolutely nothing to her, do you think she is staying up nights anguishing over the fact that you hate her? Doubtful....very doubtful, but you on the other hand are only damaging yourself. Obviously you are a forgiving and kind person if you are able to rise above this experience and forgive your husband; you deserve to be happy.......but happiness will remain just out of your reach if you are to continue to hate this woman. Forgiveness is one of the biggest challenges we human beings face, because it is such an on-going process, it's not so simple as just saying "I forgive you" we have to continue to do it, each time those feelings of hatred and anger rise back up, but it can be done....and it is well worth the effort. Because truly it will bring you peace, and happiness.
You may also want to examine weather or not some of your hatred and anger are somewhat displaced, certainly you have reason for your feelings about this woman, but you may have more work to do on your feelings about your husband, even though you feel that you have forgiven him, dig deeper, you may be holding back on more therapeutic interaction that needs to take place between the two of you.

Answer 2

Dear one,
Of course it’s very hard to forgive others when we are hurt; however, we must understand that we inherently possess a wild and evil conscience that causes craziness. Therefore, we must forgive everyone since those who attack us are being dominated by their wild conscience. They are not being human because their conscience is dysfunctional..

There are many causes of anger or sadness; bad parenting, abusive relationships, and so on. Try to trace it back to the roots, understand it, and try to give it a voice. This is vital. Once you can put a voice to it, move on to the steps below. Remember you need to scream out all the words you’ve always wanted to say while you are doing it. Even if it’s just a string of vulgarities, do it!
Focus on positive emotions. Moving away from personal goals, beliefs or physical and mental health produces negative emotions. Focus instead on the positives in your life. Even if the positives are small and seemingly insignificant, focusing on them is better for you than wallowing in the dark.
Listen carefully to your internal dialogue and suspend judgment that encourages criticism. Choose a positive emotional response that supports clear decision making. Be kind and compassionate towards yourself, others and events. This will counteract the stress in your life and help lead you out of the darkness..

Create the life you want by living the way you want to live. For example, if you want love in your life, set that goal for yourself and then be loving to others. Keep a journal about the lessons you're learning in life. When you make your way out of the darkness, you will be able to see how far you've come.
Remember good times from the past and know you will experience joy again. Be clear about your personal motives if you find that it feels impossible to see the beauty in life. You may be harboring some unconscious feelings towards another person, yourself and/or the situation.


Good luck dear.

Answer 3

I know you have forgiven him, but why do you have to worry about forgiving her? Just forget about her. She's doing to you exactly what she wants to and that is to stay in your memory and eat at you. If you can forgive your husband then you should be able to forget about her. Right now you're giving her power over your emotions. If it is still bothering you this much then maybe you really haven't forgiven him. Just know that in the end they both will be judged. There is nothing wrong with your sanity, you're just a normal person trying to work your marriage out. Forget about her and go on with your marriage if that's what you want, if you've really forgiven him.

Answer 4

Well, you really need to establish why you hate her so much. I don't think that it's because she slept with your husband, I believe it's because she's expressed such complete disrespect for you after the fact.

The truth is that when people want to cheat on their SO's, they'll find someone to do it with. The specific person that they do it with doesn't really matter. The problem is that it puts you into a competitive situation with them over your spouse's affection. She obviously feels that she got the better of you in some way.

You and your spouse obviously both disagree with her. You obviously resolved your issues, and he appropriate dumped her. You win. You don't have to hate her over it, she's already lost.

What you're left with is whatever you think about her personally. Maybe you think she's a skank, maybe you think she's mean. Regardless, you can be happy with the idea that she's totally not worth your time and energy.

Answer 5

Hate is an emotion... She was released from her job? GOOD - not that it makes up for what she did & how she treated you, but at least something came back around & bit her in the butt! Let this go... if you have truly forgiven your husband - then DROP IT! People do things to hurt others because they are guilty of being a vicous human being. Be glad that you are NOT like her! To hate her only brings you to her level... Pity her - think of it as she is the loser & the failure - stand tall & strong... wish her well & never think about her again!!!

Answer 6

eeewwww that makes me mad just imagining how horrible that must have made you feel for her to taunt you like that. I understand why you have this anger and hatred for her, it would be hard not to. You've gotten some pretty good advice here on how to disregard her and her petty remarks. Some people feel they have to make someone that they have a competition with feel small and undeserving, it makes them feel better, she has to know in her heart that she was wrong, and she has to live with that knowledge. You got your husband back so in the end your the winner. Boy he would really have to do some major work to gain back that trust.

Answer 7

i admire your patience to stay with an idiot like that- what kind of horrible person would cheat on their spouse while their grieving!

well what i would do is leave him.
and to get my anger out i would probably write a letter to her saying what you think about her and then burn the letter or get rid of it somehow- but don't post it- my point is that you have to let your feelings out in a "good" way.

or/and

you could start to think that whatever she said or did to you, sooner or later the same or worse will happen to her, remember "What goes around comes around".

Hope i helped...
btw soz about your father!

Answer 8

yOU ARE STIL ANGRY with him as well, because you are shocked and angry that he would **** that skank. I have never been through that exact situation but I have felt a strong dislike/hate towards another person, and the Only way I got through it was with the help of God. Just pray to him and bear all your soul, let him know how you feel and ask him to help you to genuinely forgive both of them and move on. It really works!!!

Answer 9

Lorena Bobbit's tactic comes to mind.

Answer 10

It's difficult to get over this if they are still co-workers. It would help if he worked somewhere else.