husband clams up when upset... what to do?

Question

My husband has a habit of clamming up and not speaking when he's upset about something. We've struggled with this since we were dating, and I've always told him that he can tell me anything, I'm here for him, I can't help him unless he lets me know what's going on, etc.

We've been getting better, but we're still struggling with it. What's the best thing to do to let him know that I'm not here to judge - I'm here to help? I tell him that, if he can tell anyone, it's me. I'm his wife, I'm supposed to be the one that supports him through everything.

He's been stressed out the past few weeks, but everytime I ask him what's wrong, he shakes his head and says nothing, or he'll just sit there and not answer me at all. It's very frustrating! What do I do?

I'm pretty good about not nagging him, though. If I ask once and he doesn't answer, I'll leave it alone. Like I said, it's been this way since we've dated, so I know how he operates.

My question wasn't intended to be "how can I change my husband", but "what can I do to make it easier for him." I know I may have come off as a nagging wife at first, but I'm really not like that. I just needed to know how I can make it less stressful for him.

Answer 1

I feel like that's the way I react a lot of times... as a husband. I'm wracking my brain now to understand myself enough to know why I act that way. Perhaps it's a man's insecurity wrestling with his desire to be a pillar of strength. Try to not approach the topic when he's at a low moment. Try to get him in some one-on-one time, where he is comfortable and talking about things in general with you, maybe over a dinner. Then tell him you've noticed the trend and ask him to be intraspective about it. Just be there for him if he unloads.

Answer 2

You are basing this on the assumption that he would feel better if he talked to you. That's not necessarily true. YOU may feel better when you talk about things, but it doesn't mean it helps HIM deal with stress.

Now, its important that he not have secrets from you, like if you two have financial problems or whatever, you should both know. But beyond simply saying 'I'm stressed at work over this project' if he doesn't want to talk, he doesn't want to talk.

Instead, you might ask him what would help him relax. Don't ask if you're not okay with 'a *******' as his answer though, because there's a pretty significant chance that's what he'll say.

Answer 3

If you've had the problem from the start, then it's unlikely that it's going to change. The only person you can really change is yourself.

You might want to look into a spiritual therapist by the name of "Byron Katie." She has a lot of videos on Youtube. I can almost guarantee that you'll be impressed by her method of inquiry called "The Work."

Check it out and see how it works for you. First, just watch how it works on others.

Just reading your post here, you've made a couple of statements which aren't really factual, they're your point of view, such as, "I'm supposed to be the one that supports him through everything" and "I can't help him unless he lets me know what's going on."

I think you need to use "the work" on those statements so that you can get some enlightened answers.

Not only that, but it is much more likely that he actually will change if you do.

Answer 4

I'm the same way. I really don't want to talk about it! I usually need to go do something quiet, by my self for an hour or two and I am fine.

If you give him some space, he will probably be fine. Sometimes supporting him will mean doing nothing. If you need to do something, distract him. Do anything but ask him about what's bothering him.

Answer 5

Im the exact same way. I clam up and my hubby keeps asking what is wrong. I tell him nothing. Then he keeps asking. That makes me more mad then i just quit responding at all. He has learned how to make me talk and that is by asking once and then dropping it. After a while I will get frusterated that he didnt ask me and then start telling him why im mad. I know it sounds crazy.

Try it.. just ask once and then leave him alone and he will come spilling everything to you once he thinks you dont care.

Answer 6

Maybe he doesn't feel like you really listen or doesn't want the conversation to go into something else deep like it probably has before, so he'd rather not bring it up. Do more of the listening then the talking, and make sure it's positive.

Answer 7

I'm the same way. Been that way for 25 years of marriage. When something eats at him enough he'll talk. In the meantime there is nothing more aggravating then someone constantly asking "What's wrong?".

Leave it be. He'll talk if he needs to.

Answer 8

Mine does the same thing. I just shower, throw on some nice clothes, do my make-up and hit the mall or store and do a little shopping. I figure if he doesn't want to talk to me, I'll just leave him alone. I hate HATE hate being ignored by my husband, or anyone close to me, so instead of pestering him, I just see the exit for a few hours and it keeps us from arguing and gives me a chance to decompress...and him a chance to do whatever he needs to do to help himself.

Answer 9

You married him knowing he clams up and doesn't speak when he is upset? Wow...and you expect him to change?? He isn't going to change unless he wants to change....You can't force him to talk unless he wants to talk....

If he is unwilling to communicate with you...why do you feel that it is your responsibility to make his stress easier on him? Just let him deal with the stress on his own...since he prefers to be alone when he is upset....Do your own thing....and if he eventually wants to talk he will come to you...

Answer 10

Give him some space. When he's ready to talk, he will. I'm like that, I have to sort it out in my mind first, before I can talk about it so it makes sense. Be glad he's not a screamer or someone who throws things.