Would you consider it a marriage deal breaker if....?

Question

your spouse was not their for you emotionally and physically. Little to no comunication,affection or time. And their spending 6 days a week at work (even though the 6th day is an extra job for which you do not need the money) and on the 7th day they often spend what's left of the week away at their hobby. When they are home they mostly watch TV and zone out without much communication or affection. Yet they don't cheat, gamble, drink or womanize outside of the marriage. Is this even a reason to divorce? You can't say they abandoned you if they still "physically" reside with you, and to your knowledge have not committed adultery. Even though when they are home they just zone out to the TV, eat and go to sleep. And even after many many years of stating your unhappiness with the situation. Promises made by the spouse yet no follow through. Even though this is a hellish existance, is this a reason tp ask for a divorce.? Is this a viable reason, spiritually, morally or legally.

We are both 50 with almost grown children and have been married 20 years. He doesn't hit or hurt me physically, but the blows I have taken emotionally are brutal. The silent treatment from him is deaferning, and yes we have tried counsling. No luck yet. Maybe Rome wasn't built in a day but I feel like the quicksand is covering me faster than any possibility of a rescue arriving. I have been patient to a fault for the sake of my kids and the vow I took when I married. . But now my health is starting to fail, and my spirit and heart are breaking from the instability and lonliness of it all. How long does God expect us to hold on in this circumstance.?

No I am not being beaten or anything like that. Yet I a heartsick from being ignored and given the silent treatment by the one who vowed 20 years ago to love, honor and cherish me for life.It is incomprehensible to me. Can a person just change their mind like that after 20 years married, raised kids, etc.
I am even getting some health issues because of this stress. How long does God expect us to hold on in a situation of neglect and emotional abuse.? The silence is deafening.. I am trying to hold myself together for the kids that still live with us here. It is not where I thought would happen if you play by the rules and always try to make the right choices and good decisions.?

Answer 1

.
Yes, you should ask for a divorce. Why continue to live in what you, yourself, describe as a "hellish existence?" Just because your parents, or your neighbors, or some bible-thumpers say you should? No way.

Spiritually: There is no spirituality in this marriage
Morally: You've given it more than a fair shot. You can't change the situation alone.
Legally: Heck yes. It's called irreconcilable differences.


You deserve a life of your own without this cancerous lump of a spouse dragging you down. Go for it!
.

Answer 2

I have lived this and your rite it is a hell in many ways You feel like you have lost your best friend but their sitting rite there ignoring you. This may be unfair to say because i could definitely be wrong but in my case the marriage was over to him and he was just waiting for me to do something. Well i waited like you are and a turn of events made him end up leaving which proved to me he chaecked out when he was "zoned" out. Don't down play it or think it's a man thing it is a real problem and you NEED to talk to him. You deserve better especially some gratitude from working so hard i know how that is too. Godbless you. Believe me no matter how hard you do need to talk i wish i did if you can't get through when you try to tell him how unhappy you are. Look at it this way he knows and he is making no effort to make you happy he is there because it is convient. After that get conseling or end it because it will eventually end if you keep going like this with him zoned out!

Answer 3

This seems to happen in many marriages where the man (and probably the wife in some cases) have demanding jobs. It led to me and my wife becoming strangers, even though we lived together - I was out at work all the time and she looked after the kids, and on my days off I would watch football or see my mates in the pub.

Suddenly the kids needed her less and we woke up. It has taken a huge effort but we''re getting to know each other again even though we are completely different people than before the kids came along. Luckily we still enjoy each other's company, but we have had to force ourselves into each others' interests.

I think you need to talk to your spouse and explain what you see as the problem, but be careful not to come across as criticising him. I would advise recognising it together as a stage of life that you need to be careful about in case you end up as strangers, which could endanger your relationship. Hopefully he will see your viewpoint and try to make some time for you. But if you have your mind set on divorce, maybe this is the justification you need. A solicitor will be able to tell you if it is unreasonable behaviour enough to divorce

Good luck.

Answer 4

My husband has been doing similar things for years. It wasn't until I started counseling that he realized there MIGHT be a problem here. You could try counseling, either together or separate, if you are committed to making things work.
You do not state your ages or how long you have been married. You need to talk and see if there is a problem, or is this just the "routine" that has progressed. Could also try a "date" night. Doesn't have to be too extravagant, could just be dinner. If your spouse doesn't want to go out, try a romantic dinner for two at home. No lights, no tv, lots of candles, music etc. At least it might start a conversation.
I say if nothing works, then you might not have many alternatives other than divorce. Could try a separation first and see if that changes things. Good luck.

Answer 5

You state you have expressed your position and unhappiness with this situation and your spouse has made no effort to make any changes. Therefore, it is absolutely a deal breaker! Your spouse obviously doesn't care how you feel about this because no effort has been made.
Yes this is reason for divorce. You are unhappy and in your own words miserable. Don't waste another day! Start your new life now as a single person!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 6

You have been abused- why did you allow this to happen? You are worth more than that! If you are unhappy, do what you must in order to achieve that happiness. But please mark my words, no one is really happy all of the time. The grass is always greener. But just because happiness is extremely difficult to achieve and hold on to for very long doesn't mean you don't deserve it- neither does it mean you should not try to attain it. You should. It is noble that you love those kids, and that you love your husband. But what about yourself? Do you love who you are? Please, get counseling immediately for you and your husband. The marriage will fail if you don't. He has to be willing to cooperate with you. If he is not willing to compromise, then you can walk away. You can leave him. You are WORTH SOMETHING IN THIS WORLD- and if he is blind to this fact, he is the loser, not you. Although you have been abused, you aren't a victim. Even if you are, you can't maintain a victim mentality. Take control of your life now. Be brave and be bold. Get what you want. Ask for it. Obtain it. Don't let anything nor anyone stand in your way. Be good to yourself. Seize the day, and the night as well. Enjoy your life, and stand up for yourself. No one else will do it for you, my dear. God bless.

Answer 7

People opt out of marriage too quickly these days. Have you considered filling up your time in a fashion that would make your spouse notice that there was something going on with you? Something that would peek an interest?

I found when my husband was getting more into his own world and spending less time in mine that it was up to me to fix the problem. I changed my hair-style (which got him thinking maybe someone else was interested in me -- which wasn't true, but it did make him take notice), took more time with my personal appearance so that I would always look good for him (not for me), spent extra time making meals more attractive and romantic, scheduled time away for the kids so we could have the house to ourselves. It took a little bit of time, but he did take notice and after a while the romance was back and we were happily married until my husband died. Seriously, it was worth the effort to figure out how to save my marriage rather than just give up.

By the way, I got my guidance from Proverbs 31...it's a hard passage to live, but God made the plan and it works!

Answer 8

Wow-I really feel for you b/c I'm going thru the same exact thing. I had a conversation with my doctor about it the other day, and she told me I should leave him. She said life is short, and if I wanted to find someone else who would treat me the way I wanted to be treated, I should do it because I'm not getting any younger.
What I know is that when this happens in marriage, you feel like less of a woman b/c being desired is part of what makes a woman feel feminine. When your partner doesn't laugh and joke with you anymore, or touch or hug you, the relationship is pretty much over.
It's a hard thing to do, but you have to do what makes you happy at this point, even if it means leaving.
I'd rather be alone, because I'm living alone anyway. I just have someone who tells me how to spend my money and I have to answer to his controlling ways. When he talks to me.
So I'd rather be alone with my pets.
Good Luck, hon-and I hope you do what you have to in order to get peace of mind. Life is too short to allow someone to drag you down and make you depressed.

Answer 9

Wow...that sounds like the most miserable existance ever. All of those reasons are good reasons to leave a man. Think about this for a moment, as far as we are aware...we only live one time on this Earth. On your deathbed, is this the man you want next to you? Is this the man you feel you will make happy memories with the rest of your existance? Does he bring anything to the table at all? One of the best things in life are freedom and happiness...you have neither and you're only getting older. Take a long deep breathe, really examine your life and decide whether this is what dreams are made of and you'll know what you need to do.

Answer 10

Workaholics are very similar to alcoholics, drug addicts, TVaholics, etc. They use whatever necessary to avoid intimacy and escape from reality. You have explained what this person is NOT doing. What you need to consider is what they are doing (nothing) to meet your needs. A relationship is a 2-way street. You will not change them. You need to ask why you would even consider a "relationship" like this and also realize that even if you do leave this relationship (which is not likely), without couseling you will likely end up in the same type of relationship. Chances are very great that your parent - probably of the opposite sex was an alcoholic or workaholic, or some kind of "holic" and you are subconciously trying to "fix" this relationship. If this is the case, RUN, do not walk, to Al-anon. You are probably co-dependant and need to focus on yourself instead of on him. Only then can you ever have hope to find a rewarding relationship.