I have a moral/ethical dilemma?

Question

We have internet on our phone and when you close the phone, then reopen it, it comes back up exactly where you left off. Last night I went to get on the internet on the phone and opened it and it was still on the inbox of my husbands email account. Right there (i didn't go digging around) was several emails from several different girls. Naturally I opened them, and they were porn sites. My husband and I have been through this several times and he knows that is unacceptable and that I definitely don't like it. SO the dilemma. Do I bring it up with him or not. It IS his email. But he left it wide open (probably without meaning to.) I wasn't snooping. SO where do I go from here. It's driving me nuts.

For the record, it's not necessarily the porn itself that bothers me. It's the dishonesty that went with it. Him still doing it even after having told me several times that he would, and had, quit. Then here he is being sneaky with it. That's a big part of the issue.

Answer 1

If you are not honest with him about it, and how you feel about it, it will eat away at you. Just tell him calmly that you are sorry but when you got on the computer he had left his email open and you saw the websites he is still going to. Tell him that it hurts you that he doesn't respect you enough to stop going to them even knowing how it makes you feel. Then walk away. That's all you can do, either he will be sorry or he will be angry. Try not to be too confrontational about it, just be matter of fact. Remember to state what you feel and then tell him if he wants to discuss it with you he can later, then walk away. Men always talk better after they have had time to think about what they want to say, otherwise they speak from the gut and it gets nasty, so give him some time.

Answer 2

I know I will get thumbs down for this, but anyway,... let it go. He is a grown man, and you are not his mother. You find porn unacceptable, so don't look at it. He apparently doesn't feel the same way. He isn't forcing you to look at it. It must not be affecting your relationship, or else you would have already known he was looking. Let him do what he wants with his free time. Don't try to force your views onto him, and then get mad when he doesn't share them. You should not be trying to shame him. Close the e-mail account and pretend like you never saw it.

Edited:
I saw another answer imply other eyes could have seen it if yours did. That is true. So if you have children, then I may bring it up, but only to say, please be more careful about leaving your e-mail account open so the kids don't stumble across it. But I wouldn't forbid it or even have an air in my voice that I disapproved (I actually don't disaprove, although there was a time when I did. I realized it had more to do with my own insecurities than the porn itself). It would just be a simple statement and then I would let it go...

Answer 3

I'm with cms on this one, it may be spam. I get porn emails all the time, and I don't even go to porn sites because they do bad things to a computer, rather buy the cd than search on the internet. Even so, I still get at least a dozen emails from porn sites every day. Are you so sure you want to acuse him of looking for porn?

As for your snooping, yes, you were snooping. If you hadn't, you would have signed out and continued with your own business. But you didn't. Him leaving his account open is not an invitation for you to read his emails, and for you to click on those emails and read them, in my country, that is called snooping. That might bring you more troubles than the porn in itself. I suggest counseling, you have very strong trust issues with your husband. You also need to sit down and define what role porn is gonna play, you think it's unnacceptable, he thinks it's cool, you guys need to negotiate some middle ground there. As a team, I bet he is not expecting you to become a porn star, so you shouldn't decide that he should one day wake up and think it is hideous. It doesn't work like that. Where does individuality end? Negotiation is required.

Answer 4

You were snooping. Granted his email site was open, but you went further by actually opening the emails. And, even though they were from girls, more than likely they were spam mail. It's porn. He's not cheating on you, it's just porn. I know that it may seem wrong that he's looking at other women, but from experience with my husband, it's only porn and means nothing to them.

But the biggest problem here sounds like you don't trust your husband. You should be happy these were porn sites and not little love notes from other women. If porn is his worst offense you should be happy. Leave it alone and remember that you are more in the wrong because you didn't trust him and actually opened his email. You WERE snooping, whether you want to believe that or not. You should have closed his email list and went on your merry way.

Answer 5

Why should this be driving you nuts? Either you're going to confront your husband about what you discovered when you opened his email, or you're going to let it go, since it IS his email. Were it me, I would confront him for 2 reasons: 1) he left the account open, where you discovered emails from several different girls (which was within itself upsetting), and 2) you have discussed the issue of porn with him before and he knows it is unacceptable to you.

If he's going to continue this behavior, knowing you don't like it, he can at least show you the respect of keeping it away from you. Perhaps when you confront him, he'll learn to do just that. Unfortunately, that's the best you can hope for, since he obviously does not intend to stop!

A married man who frequents porn sites is immature and lacks the discipline that is necessary to maintain a happy marriage. He disrespects his wife, when he does this--particularly when he knows it offends her. Either you'll have to wait for your husband to grow up, or you need to decide if you want to continue in the marriage. If he's dishonest in this respect, he's dishonest in other areas of his life.

Answer 6

I get e-mails from porn sites every once in awhile too...especially on my old college account that I don't check...there are almost 2000 spam messages in that e-mail as we speak. Chances are, when he used to visit these sites he began receiving hundreds of spam messages. In order to stop those you have to "un-subscribe" on every one...it can get tedious and annoying and it can take months to get all of them to stop.

That said, SO MANY guys look at porn. It DOES NOT mean they are bad or unhappy, it almost seems like a biological thing. If you asked him to stop you can either believe that he did or you can believe that he still looks and deal with that. Like I said, he MAY have stopped but continues to get these advertising e-mails and will continue to get them for months. I wouldn't say anything because if he did stop, you'll be accusing him again for these spam e-mails that he might have had nothing to do with...

Answer 7

I get about 5emails a day from porn sites, asking me to join or *** have a look etc. I haven't looked alot at porn on the net, but my ex used to, i didn't really care, its pretty harmless whn you think about it. Did you ever stop to think that maybe it could/ve just been spam mail, and a bit of porn never hurt anybody. Theres always bounderies, but a little bit is nothing, maybe a bit of compromise from both sides is whats needed.

Answer 8

First off, what is so wrong with porn to you? Do you feel threatened by women that he could not possibly meet? Are you theatened that he is going to leave you for a porn star?
If it were dating/meeting sites that would be a different story,but it's not. Get over it, it is just porn.

Answer 9

well, it's probably spam mail... ? I'd have to see the emails... but I am guessing it's spam... basically, mention this to him, and suggest he try to stop the spam from coming in... you (he) can block all of this stuff... or perhaps suggest he make a new email address... that will stop it for sure... and if it comes in again after that, you will know he's still up to his old tricks... good luck...

Answer 10

To keep an honest relationship, I guess you have to even tho I kind of think the porn is his business as long as it takes nothing away from your relationship.