How do I handle such a touchy situation?

Question

My husband and I met 3 years ago on a blind date. Obviously, things went well. Less than one month later we moved in together. At the same time we began dating, his ex-girlfriend gave birth to his son. Eventually, (2 years of court battles) my husband obtained full and legal custody of his son. (his son had already been living with us full time nearly from the begining). I had quit my job, and became a stay at home step-mom. I also used the money i had saved to put myself through college, for -him- to go to college. Furthermore, my father co-signed a vehicle loan for my husband shortly after he was finished with school. I relocated with him for his job. All sounds happily ever after....

Except, I am unhappy. To the point of wanting a divorce. He's a wonderful man, but I'm just not happy. And, I'm in love with my best friend. He lives 1242 miles away. Asked me to be with him. and no, I have -not- had an affair. Just in a touchy situation. Any advice?

unfortunately, these questions don't allow room for expanding on details much. limited characters. We have done councelling, we have sat down to talk together. He was not "shitty" to his ex...quite the other way around. She was horrible to him, and she was neglecting the baby, hence why the kiddo lives with us now.

He is married to his job....in 2 months, I have seen him -maybe- a total of 2 days. When he is at home, he finds excuses to go into work...when the work could be done at home. I-can't- get a job or go to college, not everyoneis rich enough to just go back to school. can't afford daycare for the munchkin...even if i work full time. i can't work full time with only one car and he uses it.

As for the friend...we have severed communication...several times for 5, 3, and 7 month spurts over the years. Does this mean i want to end up with -him-? no..i'm more interested in finding my own path in life alone at the moment. finding what will make -me- happy.

Answer 1

You actually are having an affair. It is not physical, but it's definitely emotional and is just a damning, as you are finding out. The main problem I see here, is that you have given, given, given, to the point that YOU got lost somewhere. This marriage isn't hopeless. As you say he is a wonderful man, but right now you feel like you don't exist. Do something for yourself now. Start going to school. Even if it's night school so you won't need daycare, then by the time your little one starts school himself, you will have an education under your belt and you will be able to find a job you love. You are wanting to leave because it would make your life less complicated, because you would no longer have to be a care giver, and this new guy would make it all about you. At first anyway. Your best friend needs to be your husband, not this other guy 1200 miles away. Start by talking to your husband and telling him that you feel like you don't exist anymore. It seems like you took on a cause more than a marriage, and now that it's all settled down, you don't know what to do with yourself. Now your cause needs to be you and what you need to do to feel whole again. This other guy really isn't the answer. He's distracting you from what you should be doing.



Edited:
Contrary to your belief, You do not have to be rich to go to school. I have no idea where you live, but in Ohio in my area, there is the Ohio One stop, through them you can do a couple of things. They will help you find a job and affordable daycare, or direct you to the MCTA. Through the MCTA you can have your schooling paid for and sometimes even childcare is covered. It is income based to a point, but just the simple fact that you have been unemployed for so long and never went to school may qualify you. All States have the same MCTA program, but it is called something different in each state. Call your local social services branch to find out how to get started. You can also apply at http://www.fafsa.ed.gov/ for federal aid/grants. That is exactly the steps I did. We were over the income guidelines, but the fact that I have been unemployed for 3 years and never attended shool after I graduated high school made me eligible. You can sit around being miserable, or you can do something about it. He is avoiding you. Why I don't know. He may feel responsible for your misery and not know how to fix it, so he just stays away. I think you need to give counseling another try. It may take a few different tries, with a few different counselors before you find the right fit for the two of you.

Answer 2

Love is not a feeling....it is a behavior (commitment) and an attitude (willingness). No one can tell you what to do with your current life situation.....but my goodness you might want to take some time to MAKE yourself happy right where you are (bloom where you are planted). Then make changes if you want....but happiness isnt outside someplace in another state, or another person or another anything.....its inside of you. You say you are in love with someone 1400 miles away---not possible. Love is also give and take and there cant be too much of that happening 1400 miles away. Love is learning about and accepting ea others quirks; its achieving personal best for the OTHER person...you wont want to hear this but God has a lot to say about love.....since he's the original author, you might want to pick up a bible and find out what He says will make you happy and free---and what he says about the definition of love. Your soul is hungry for fulfillment and wholeness......we all have that longing....dont throw out a perfectly good life and a perfectly good husband looking for something that you cant find in this world..... whether or not you believe, say a prayer. God will answer.

Answer 3

Your husband should be your BEST FRIEND. And yes, you are having an AFFAIR, just an emotional one. You need to cut ties with the other guy, and if he is really a good friend/potential BF or husband, he will understand you need to work on your marriage. Talk to your husband, tell him how you are feeling, what is making you unhappy, and see if it can be fixed.

Every wife/mom, feels unhappy when dealing with day to day stresses of life. You definitely are going to think the "grass is greener" with the other guy because it is new, exciting, and less responsibilities.

I wouldn't blame anything on the short amount of time spent dating. I met my husband, moved in together 2 weeks later, and was married 6 mths later. We have been married for 13 yrs. It can be a happily ever after, if you work at it.

Answer 4

I don't think you really want to divorce nor you love your best friend.
You just need time for you, you've done so much for others and so little for yourself since the beginning of the relationship, you've thrown yourself in your husband's life thus forgetting yours and what you need.
Do things for yourself now. Don't complicate your life with an affair or a divorce you don't really need nor want that. TALK WITH YOUR HUSBAND. If he loves you, he'll understand and will stop burdening you. You need to share with him not take everything on you. Marriage does not mean living for your spouse, living his life. DO THINGS YOU LOVE, DO THINGS FOR YOURSELF. BE A LITTLE, JUST A LITTLE BIT SELFISH. Go back to where you left your life, and start from there. Remember you're married, ask your husband to help you. If he doesn't want to, then you could consider divorcing him. Good luck forgotten life !

Answer 5

Wow sticky situation, it's kinda sad that you realize this when another guy came into the picture. Hopefully this other guy has no kids. You've been the mother of his kid no matter what the kid see's you as the mother now your just going to leave the kid and your husband because your not happy. You need to just ride this out be a good woman and do the right thing. Make yourself happy by asking your man to do what can make your relationship happier go counseling marriage.

Answer 6

you have a child involved. not a child that you gave birth to but one you have raised since he was a baby. YOu need to think about the effects it is going to have on you husbands son. It changes the situation when there are kids involved.

Not to mention you said your husband is a great man. If he is that wonderful, arent things worth trying to work out?

Go to couples counseling. It sounds like some of the problem is you have zero communication with him. Let him know hoe you are feeling and ask how he is feeling.

You could just be overwhelmed with you situation. You moved becasue of his job away from your friends and family, and you are taking care of his son from another woman. You need to take a step back and really evaluate the situation as a whole and talk to you husband. Let him know what you need from him to be happy. Men arent lying when they say they arent mind readers! haha.

At least give it a try to work it out with him. You dont want to go through life regreting a decision that you couldnt have worked out.

Hope it helps!

Answer 7

Are you sure you are in love with your best friend, or is it the thrill of something different? When people fantasise about other people, they usually only see the good points and loose touch with reality. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. I suggest that you cut contact with your best friend for a couple months, and try and work out why you are unhappy with your husband, and give your marriage one last shot.
You owe it to your husband, and step son, to at least try and fix things.

Answer 8

You say you're not happy, but you don't say why. Rather than leaving the marriage, it would make more sense to change the relationship in order to become happy within it. Reading between the lines, you don't want to be a stay-at-home step-mom. So, quit that. Reading between the lines, you want to go to college. So, go.

The other problem is being "in love" with your best friend. Too bad. You're married. You made your choice. Focus your love and attention on your husband, and on making your life with him what you want it to be. If you put enough emphasis on your marriage, your love for your husband will bloom, and you will come to see your feelings for your friend for what they are: a mere distraction.

Answer 9

Good question... but I feel horrible for your husband. Just think, how would you feel -or rather blind- that your husband is in love with his bestfriend and was thinking about leaving you? You may say you don't care, but what if you were all about him and he was your only one and then BAM! he leaves. I'm a strong believer in what goes around, comes around. It may not be in the direct way as say, your next husband leaves you for another woman, but maybe something happens to you physically or something else goes terribly wrong.

You didn't mention one thing that makes you mad about your current husband... Is he old? Fat? Not attractive???? What's the problem?

Whatever you do, make sure you think about what you are going to do and know the consequences - then make your decision.

Answer 10

What touchy situation are you speaking of? You are a married woman; and you need to respect the commitment you made with your husband. If you're not happy, it's because you're cheating on him, by directing your affections elsewhere. You're wrong to do this and you need to stop it. Concerning your "best friend," what decent, respectable man tries to interfere with another man's marriage? Why would you associate yourself with such a person? Your husband does not deserve such disrespect from you!