Should I stay in a no sex marriage?

Question

Used to have it all the time then about 6 years ago we went to once a month which then dwindled to virtually never. Last time we actually had penetrative sex was over a year ago and the last time he actually came was over 5 years ago now.
Obviously there is something wrong. We are both in our 30's. He won't talk to me about it and i feel like a nympho if I even suggest it. What can I do?

he's not having an affair. I pick him up and take him to work as we only have one car and I know he is working. He doesn't spend anytime away from home so there is definitely nobody else, he doesn't have time for it.

We have been together nearly 10 years but only married for 3. I thought getting married would change things for the better but I was wrong. We don't have kids, how's that supposed to happen if we don't have sex!

He is not gay either

Answer 1

I'm so sorry you're going through this when you're only in your 30s. You don't say if your family is complete or whether you want children. If you do, then your husband needs to start talking urgently and get over this (subconscious fear of impregnation can lead to these problems). Even if you don't, your husband needs to start talking or you need to start walking. It's not fair on you, really. There might be a physical cause his GP can find and sort (being diabetic without realising, for example). It might be a difficult, embarrassing problem for him, but he needs to be a man and sort it out. If he no longer finds you attractive or wants out of the marriage for whatever reason, he should have the cojones to say so.

Answer 2

How is he the rest of the time? If there are no other changes and you have ruled out the obvious there is one thing that stands out - last penetrative sex 1 year ago, last time he came 5 years ago. It looks as if he is having a problem with penetrative sex and possibly doesn't like to try in case he fails. You both need to talk about this and get it sorted out. If he has problems you both need to understand them. There might be things that can be done to fix or at least help the situation, so be prepared to suggest seeking medical advice.
Should you stay? Simple answer, if you love him you should stay and try to help him.

Answer 3

If you want children this is definately something that needs to be addressed! If you do you need to speak to him about the possiblity of having children sooner rather than later as you really are running out of time (sad as that sounds!) and if he doesn't you will need to make the awful decision of whether you can live for the next 50 years without children around but stay with this person or move on and find someone who wants the same things as you.

I have a child already and haven't been in a relationship as long as yours so am not completely in a position to give advice but i'll try! Have you actually asked him why he hasn't wanted to sleep with you for the past year? Is it that he finds sex boring (maybe you could try a trip to ann summers or something!), or some other reason? If he won't give you a reason you really do need to find out as it will bug you so perhaps a bit of relationship/sex counselling might help get to the bottom of it. I know men hate shrinks but if he refuses point blank to find out what the problem is and you're not happy (as i guess you haven't been for years) then perhaps he doesn't care enough to find out why... or perhaps he's embarrased.

Could be something about getting into his 30s, guys get all self concious about their hair loss, weight gain etc.. Just some ideas!x

Answer 4

Oh dear I do feel sorry for you, especially as he won't talk to you about it. You must love him dearly as most women would have sourced their needs elsewhere by now.

My wife and I have always agreed that if sex ended due to medical problems, then the unaffected party would get sex elsewhere with the total agreement of the affected party. Thankfully that has never arisen, and two daughters and 13 years on we both still function with the same intimacy that we always have. You must have the patience of a saint.

Go to your GP, alone if necessary and get some advice. Tell your husband you have needs and ask him what he suggests you should do about it between you. Oh, and the ladies are right - a good vibrator can probably help, we have a "Rampant Rabbit", we don't need it but we find it's a lot of fun using it together, and you and your husband might find it so, too, and it might even cause him to improve his enthusiasm.

Good luck, you are clearly missing out and you have but one life, so get this fixed and soon.

Answer 5

I'm guessing that you have tried all the obvious things, so I wont patronise you with those, so the next step is the GP.
Do you love your husband? Then stay married, get a good vibrator while you work this thing out!
You're very young to feel like this.
Can I also suggest that you read a book called "The Surrended Wife" please don't be put off by the title - it's not what you might think - I didn't read it for ages because I didn't like the title and judged what I thought it as about!
Anyway, it's written by a woman called Laura Doyle and it's about getting intimacy back into your marriage, it starts with daily things in your life and moves into the bedroom!
Give it a try and Good Luck!

Answer 6

Is this really a question of leaving the marriage or a question of why your man won't talk to you about something married couples need to talk about?

If he won't talk to you about something, it is probably very embarrassing. Ask if he will talk to a counselor privately first -- I mean just him and the counselor. Then, talk with both of you and the counselor. It could be a very small problem....then again, it could be something big that he needs to work on.

In general terms, most males in their 30's are having some of the best sexual experience they will enjoy in their entire lives. Short of physical problems with the male plumbing department, there is no reason why this should not be so with your man.

Also, please do not think of yourself as a nymphomaniac. It is natural for a woman in her 30's to be "on fire" quite a bit -- especially the later 30's.

Tell your man you care about him and you want to help.

With kind regards....Finn.

Answer 7

You better do something fast because you are about to start your sexual peak. Most women start in their mid 30's and into their 40's. You must be so frustrated and angry i know i would be. You need to tell your husband to go get some help from a doctor because it isn't fair to you. Just be careful because your body will soon be changing and you will know when it does. When you start thinking about sex and you feel like you want and need it you might be attracted by someone at work or someone you see everyday. Tell your husband if he don't take care of you you will find someone that will be more then happy to help you out. That will get him !!

Answer 8

holy crap! large doses of counseling are needed here

There is a very big problem when you can't talk to each other about problems. I take it you've been lukewarmly married for more than 6 years. Open communication is the key, not necessarily sex. Feeling like a nympho when suggesting sex gives me the feeling that you are a prude. I could be wrong. But you definitely have to talk about it.

When he doesn't put out with at least a little tongue action, drastic measures are definitely needed - say mr. vibrator?

Answer 9

a good marriage needs a sexual relationship as it helps to create a strong bond and love and understanding you are both in your 30s there is something very wrong here and conselling is very much needed your very young to go your whole life without sex.. so i would get help as soon as you can because you may find it very hard to make love again the longer you leave it a marriage is all about love and thats why they say make love otherwise your in a loveless marriage emotionally you might love him but physically its also as important

Answer 10

That is not good!

Can you ever see him changing and going back to how things used to be? I doubt it is possible now, seems like things have really changed in your relationship.
And if you cannot even talk to him about it I think this is what it will definitely be like from now on.

Are you happy with him? Would you leave him? You deserve to feel wanted and adored and so happy. Maybe if he realised you are not happy and thinking of leaving him that he may show you affection and make you happy.

Tought one.