Isn't there a line that best friends are NOT supposed to cross when it comes to spouses, even ex spouses???

Question

My (ex) best friend of 20 years has recently started sleeping with my husband. We're still married, although on our way to divorce. We had been talking reconciliation in Sept. when this happened for the first time. Since then, they have been trying to keep it quiet, but my 4 year old son cries when he comes home from visitation. She has always been involved in his life. In fact, my son calls her Auntie. Suddenly, she is sleeping with his dad & that confuses him. Incidentally, she left her husband at the end of Aug. & is a new separtee herself.

She text messaged me tonight & asked me if we could still be friends. It was all I could do to not tell her what I really think - that she's a whore & a back-stabbing b****. Instead, I told her that I would have been there for her, but she hurt me very badly & I didn't think we could be friends anymore.

Isn't there an unwritten rule that you NEVER sleep with your friends' spouses? Does anyone else think this is wrong???

Answer 1

You're so right. She has some nerve asking you, she just wants your forgiveness to appease her own mind. I doubt she really wants your friendship back. besides that would mean having to see him too or at least hear about him. you dont' want that.

i dont' envy your situation, how do you find strength? it would be easier if your son didn't have to have visitations with him. it must be killing you.

have you considering starting dating again? maybe its time to get on to some dating sites and see what happens. it can be just chat to start out with and take it slowly.

i know you're busy with your son and baby,but do you have some interests or outlets for yourself? like maybe some part time study at a college, a book club etc. That's what i am going to do next year (everything has finished up for the season). Even though I am 4 months pregnant, i have convinced myself i can do it. i need interests outside the home. it will mean i also meet new people.

good luck Shannon.

Answer 2

You, your soon to be exhubby, and your exBF are all adults, and all three of you should be more concerned about the child than yourselves in this situation. He needs stability -- needs to feel safe. His whole world has just been torn apart and filled with turmoil and chaos -- and he is absolutely powerless to do anything about it -- it's all beyond his control -- he doesn't get to say a thing about it.

As for your exBF, if you feel she has crossed the line in your friendship, then she has. You set the criteria for what is and is not acceptable behavior on the part of others and yourself in your relationships regardless of what anyone else thinks.

I think it's a huge mistake, however, for both your exBF and your husband considering they are both just coming out of marriages and this very well could be a rebound relationship for them both that they will end up regretting in the long run. We never know what the future holds, and it's entirely possible that somewhere way down the road your paths will cross again and you can be friends -- or not. That just is not a decision you have to make right this second, or next month, or next year. You have bigger issues to deal with right now -- fight the important battles first.

Stabilize the situation for yourself and your child. The only thing you should be concerned about regarding the relationship between your exes is how much anger and contention between you all that that child is witnessing and experiencing. Even in this situation, you are teaching your child how to handle extreme situations. You cannot control what your hubby and exBF are doing -- that is their choice. Conduct yourself with dignity and your child will learn to face difficult situations in his own life the same way.

What your hubby and exBF have done says much more about who they are than who you are. You be the kind of person you want to be regardless of what they do. You can't control the situation, but you can control how you respond to it.

Answer 3

Unwritten rules are for fools!!! Once this nightmare is over make sure that you learned your lesson and never get married again. Instead of listening to or thinking about unwritten rules why don't you deal with the facts of life:

1. There is no Santa
2. All men cheat, almost all women cheat
3. Marriage sucks
4. Everyone lies (you even lie to yourself)
5. Life is not fair

Good luck and Happy Holidays. Email me
if you want honest answers from a man that doesn't
lie anymore.

Answer 4

It is crossing the line if you talk to this person without letting your spouse know about it. Ask yourself a few questions before you decide to do this. Would you be able to hang out with this person and your spouse at the same time? Would your spouse care if you were friends with this person? Why do you want to talk to this person in the first place. Ask yourself these questions and you should know the right thing to do.

Answer 5

It sounds as if your husband is the one with the problem. I realize you are hurt because a friend has hurt you, but you need to focus on your son right now.

You and your husband have a responsibility to your young son not to expose him to sexual relationships with others, at least until the child can accept the divorce and reconcile what has happened....

You may need to talk to your husband and explain your son's feelings, since he doesn't seem to have a clue. If he refuses to be more sensitive, then tell him it would be best if your son did not spend the night when he has "friends" over.

Answer 6

There's no such rule. However, you should let your ex-husband be. Your friend might be feeling guilt pangs, however, it is does not mean you have to be friends with her.

I am however concerned about your son. Your silent vindication will just make his mental state more confusing. Children sense our unsaid feelings. If you do not want him to cry show enthusiasm about his visits to his daddy.

Does he like his dad? If he does, you should not be the reason to deprive him of that love. That is responsibility on both you and your ex-husband.

Answer 7

Rules are meant to be broken, aren't they? Isn't that what everyone says? I would think that includes unwritten rules.
If my best friend did that, however, it would terminate our friendship. I'd also question the "convenience" of both spouses breaking off their marriage at almost the same time.

Things that make you go HMMMMMMMM...

So, yes, there is a line best friends shouldn't cross , and your friend definitely crossed that line.

Answer 8

If you were separated and had no intention of reconciling, It's not all that great, but you let him go right? She may have just been a rebound thing, so you might what to make up your mind here and be clear about it. Sounds like you ex had no idea about the reconciliation when he hooked up with her.So decide now if you want him back or not. I don't think it was the greatest idea either, but from some perspectives some might think that your just saying you wanted to reconcile to make it tilt towards you. Reconcile with him or not, but unless you were crystal clear about things, they were free agents.

Answer 9

WOW that is a huge line that has been crossed! I could never do the to a friend.

I think the only place this activity occurs is Hollywood.

Stand your ground!

Answer 10

Are you sure that they weren't sleeping together before you started having problems?

I completely agree with you though! That definitely crosses the line! I don't think I could be that person's friend. And considering you guys were thinking about working on things when it happened! I'd be pissed!