im new at poetry and want some help?

Question

ok im in a poetry class by mistake but i have taken i liking to it what do u think about this.

Listen and wait,
It's already to late,
You hear their feet,
Their voice is filled with hate,
Then you hear your heart beat,
Even though no one cares,
They mock and make fun,
But I can only stare,
At that lonely gun.

i am in eighth grade and started today.

Answer 1

This is the first poem you've ever written? You're off to a strong start. The best thing about your poem is that you use physical details to support the mood and emotion you want to convey. Instead of just telling your readers that the situation is frightening, you communicate fear by giving us things that we can hear and see -- the sounds of footsteps, voices, and a beating heart, the sight of a gun.

One reader has already pointed out that "voice is" in line 4 should be "voices are." Also, in line 2, you want the word "too," not "to."

In my opinion, lines 6 and 7 are the ones that need the most work. There you are just telling your readers something instead of using physical details to show it. How could you show that nobody cares? What specific examples of mockery could you offer?

Answer 2

You've made a fine start. Things to think about ...

The rhyme is unnecessary, unless you really want to use it. Focus on what you want to say, and let the form come as it will, preferably without the distracting punctuation.

The term 'lonely gun' is overused in both prose and poetry. To fit into the cadence, consider changing the last two lines to: But I can only stare ... the gun, the gun.

Also, because you've used feet (plural), the fourth line should read: Voices filled with hate.

Sixth line might better read: No one seems to care.

You've got the makings of a good poem. Reread it yourself in a day or two. That is, let it rest. Then rework it. It could be better than good. Aim for that. Oh, and welcome to the poetry world!

Answer 3

Your rhymes seem kind of forced, poetry has many kinds of what I call "sub poetry".. Im more of scenery.. so ill give you some scenery tips:

listen and wait

Listen to what? wait for what?
you could say, example:

Listen to my voice and await with me In the eternal twilight

I might have a different meaning than yours, but you want to almost have questions that have already been answered, like: this is happening and, this is what it means. kind of thing:

I stand motionless In the falling of the leaves; I could mean many things but its the part after that im going to give it away, but not completly just a hint, you want to have people wanting more! ehehe!... so you could say: I stand motionless in the falling of the leaves, each leaf holding my heart during the shatter of this rejecton

This is an example... but I think your poetries kind of all over the place, its okay trust me when I first started, I nearly quit because people said it was so bad. Try to create a scenery that matches your emotions... For me its things like the forest because I think alot! Anyways dont give up, it will come in time i promiss!!!!!!

and regards to the poem, I understand, but theres too much to live for to die in the grasp of the unkind... Stay strong my friend.. People like me actually care. Goodluck. -Elvora

Answer 4

not bad. the thing with poetry is don't try to follow rhyme or reason. It has to be something from your heart. Sticking to a classic ABAB rhyme scheme is basic, but, you will learn more. poetry is awesome keep writing. anything and everything that's IMPORTANT. otherwise there's no meaning. Work on it as if it is a story you're telling. best of luck. keep it up.

Answer 5

That was really good. I didn't really get the rhyming scheme, but a good poem.

Answer 6

Thats real good and deep, it has a sad feeling into it.

Answer 7

extreme sense of loneliness