I have 4 kids from a previous marrage, i've been away 7 yrs, kids don't care 4 me, how do i mend relationship?

Question

i have 4 older kids from a previos marriage(18yrs), after 7 years away (lack of work in area) my x has poisoned me from my kids with stuff like a misquoted statement by current wife +6kids " well kids, your the secondary kids now..." i have totally refutted it to no avail....grandma and my sis have tryed to interviene.... it makes me sick to not have my kids not even call or visit me, i have even move back to area to help make amends... can any one tell me what to do or try??? how can an x be so cruel to me, i was a good and faithful husband and always took care of them, coaching hockey,softball, etc
i sent cards and call on phone with limited responces
courts in mich are worthless. they are now 24,22,20,16 i know time is all but lost, but dammit im still their daddy......

Answer 1

First, accept the idea that it may never happen. Second, if it is that important to you, never quit letting them know--in every way you can--that you care about them, but don't make a menace out of yourself. In other words, until they tell you explicitly to go take a flying leap, keep trying, but go take your flying leap (metaphorically speaking, of course) when they say so. Just make sure you say something like, "As you wish, but if you change your mind, you know where to find me. Just know I'll never stop caring." I really think it has to be on their terms, pal. You cannot force anyone to care about you. Finally, please--no matter how much this situation hurts--don't let it eat you alive, buddy. You've got too many other important people who need you to let this destroy you. Know that you gave it all you could, and that's enough. One of the hardest things about raising kids is that they become adults with their own lives and choices to make. Even when you do everything right, they can choose to cut you out of their lives. So hang in there. It very likely may never work itself out, but once you're in a good place with yourself and your efforts, and once you realize that the people who do care about you are VERY important, it won't be "easier" but it will be less of a burden.

Answer 2

Here's my deal: my parents divorced when I was 6. Two weeks after we'd moved out, his girlfriend and her kids had moved in, and after the divorce was final, he married the b*tch on my mother's birthday. From the view of a hurt 6 year old child, my evil stepsister got MY room in MY house and she got to see MY dad every day. Add to this my mother's hurt being poured into my ear for years, and I am walking in your kids' shoes.

What you do is YOU KEEP CALLING. You don't wait for them to contact you. You just call, you show up, you send the syrupy-sweet birthday cards, you REACH OUT every single freakin' day, because buddy, no matter how bad you are hurt, you have no idea how hurt your kids were, too. They are going to be distant, they are going to test you, but if you really want this, you won't give up. You will be consistent and you will always be loving no matter what they throw at you. In time, you'll win their hearts. But if you falter, if you decide you'll wait them out and see if they'll call first, if you say anything that criticizes them, or if you do anything that gives them the excuse to, they will shut you out.

Answer 3

You start small and do not expect them to love you for a long time. You may never be part of their lives. It is not your choice to make anymore.

The fact is you have hurt them terribly. You need to accept the fact that you are not their daddy.

Good luck. I will pray for you. Just start small and do not suffer from the ignorant notion that you can fix this overnight,

Answer 4

Don't put it on the courts, you have to remember that you were gone for 7 years and they evidently didn't see you during that time. Also you got remarried and you never mentioned whether or not you invited them to see you during the summer while they were growing up during that time. They have grown up without you during that time and evidently have watched their mother struggle all by her self raising them. Now that you are back you expect them to come running to you. It doesn't work that way. Just hang around and maybe they will come to know you again.

Answer 5

then dammit why dont you stop whinning and make amends. and so what that you moved from area.. are you telling me that in SEVEN YEARS you had NO CONTACT? puhleeeez you lost your children the day you decided for whatever REASONS you have to not see them. and fact is, the 4 from previous marriage, are secondary to you~bet you havent gone SEVEN YEARS WITHOUT SEEING THE CURRENT WIFE AND YOUR CHILDREN WITH HER!?! you can't force this issue; you can only hope that they eventually give a rats *** about you. lets face it, you don't know them. they dont know you..... and you are not still their daddy. their daddy left them for seven years.

Answer 6

tell them honestly what you have said here, that you know you were wrong , by losing contact with them , that you understand if they want nothing to do with you , and how sorry you are, how horrible you feel that you didnt act like the daddy they needed and deserved. that you dont want to start where you left off, that you understand its going to take time and understanding for them to trust you , but could they at least give you a second chance that they mean the world to you and you wouldnt be whole unless they were in your life. that you felt like your heart was gone when they werent in your life. be honest and hit your knees and beg for forgiveness.

Answer 7

7 years away and you blame the ex?

Your actions and actions alone can mend this. It would be pointless to attempt to explain your absence. All you can do is keep your word. If you say you are going to be there. BE THERE. Don't try to buy them off. This will not be an overnight fix. It will take some time to mend this broken fence........

Answer 8

you cant just walk back into their lives and expect them to accept you right away believe i know from experience my mom and dad split up when i was one they got remarried and each had more kids i went to my dads house every weekend until i was almost 13 he died my mom wouldn't let me have anything to do with my dads side of the family after that so i kept it that way until this past year its been 14 years and i regretted it and i expected everything to be ok but it takes time for them to forget and forgive GOOD LUCK and dont give up

Answer 9

If you were really their dad... took care of them, talk to them often... and were there for them .... they'll acknowledge that even if mom or anybody else says crap about you... if they don't want you in their life it's for a reason, and the best thing is to talk to them one by one and find out ... maybe they're holding grudges for something you don't even know.... kids have good memory.

Answer 10

My dad also tried to "make amends" after many years of being totally absent from our lives; he was busy marrying a much younger woman and having other children; but seeing that he was getting old, he probably figured we and my mom would be taking care of him in his old age, since his new wife seemed to be growing tired of him. Neither of my siblings nor I want anything to do with him and my mom had nothing to do with our decision. I don't know if this sort of fits your situation, but if it is even remotely similar, then, your kids' decision doesn't surprise me one bit.