Can any one read and edit this?

Question

and possibly tell me if its any good. it isn't finished and supposed to be about HIV. its for a scholarship so please help.

A woman with a tear stained face paced her living room floor as she called yet another of her daughter’s friends. She was doing everything the police had told her to do when she called at four o’clock. Erica was to be home by three o’clock and it’s not like her to be an hour late. So needless to say the police didn’t take her “missing child” too seriously. They assured her that they get calls like this all the time only to find out that the child went to a friend’s home without permission, but a mother knows better…

The hours went by, calling every person she could think of, but no one had seen or heard from Erica. It wasn’t until around eleven that Karen heard noises at the front door. She rushed to the door and opened it to find Erica curled up on the top step, half dressed, bruised, and bloody. Karen’s worst fears came true as she fell to her knees in front of Erica.

“Who did this to you?” Karen asked as she lightly touched her daughter’s bruised cheek. Erica’s response was uncontrollable sobs at her mother’s touch.

Karen went back inside the house, grabbed her car keys and a blanket, and ran back to her daughter. She picked Erica up and helped her into the car. The drive to the hospital was quiet with an occasional sniff from Erica. When they arrived, Karen ran inside and screamed that her daughter had been raped. One person grabbed a wheelchair and two others ran out with him to the car. When they reached the car all three of them gently put Erica in the wheelchair and rushed her into the emergency room with Karen following close behind. When Karen went into the back room where they were taking Erica a lady grabbed her arm.

“Ma’am… Ma’am, you can’t go back there.”

“Why not!? My daughter needs me. So if you don’t mind,” with Karen jerked her arm out of the lady’s grasp, and started to walk way, only to be stopped by the same lady.

“Ma’am they can’t treat your daughter until you have filled out the papers.”

Reluctantly, Karen turned around and went back to the waiting room to fill out the papers. The seconds felt like years as she answered each question and filled out all the blanks on the papers. Karen was still filling out papers when two police officers walked in and talked to the lady at the front desk. The lady said something then pointed at Karen; the officers walked over and stopped about two feet in front of her.

“Ma’am, my partner and I would like to ask you a few questions,” said the taller of the two officers.

“Yeah, sure. Ask away,” Karen said never looking up from the papers.

“Well first I think we should tell you there has been a string of rapes over the last month and we believe your daughter has been the latest victim.”

Looking up Karen said, “I haven’t heard anything on the news about this.”

“The department is trying to keep it under wraps to prevent copycats,” replied the other officer.

“But there’s one more thing you need to know,” the tall one speaking up again. “If your daughter was raped by this man, she will test positive for HIV.

Answer 1

Following are my corrections of punctuation:

A woman with a tear stained face paced her living room floor as she called yet another of her daughter’s friends. She was doing everything the police had told her to do when she called at 4:00 p.m. Erica was to be home by three (don't use "o'clock") and it’s not like her to be an hour late. Nonetheless, the police didn’t take her “missing child” too seriously. (If it's needless to say, then don't say it.) They assured her that they get calls like this all the time only to find out that the child went to a friend’s home without permission, but a mother knows better…

The hours went by as she called every person she could think of, but no one had seen or heard from Erica. It wasn’t until around eleven that Karen heard noises at the front door. She rushed to the door and opened it to find Erica curled up on the top step, half dressed, bruised, and bloody. Karen’s worst fears came true as she fell to her knees in front of Erica.

“Who did this to you?,” (Notice the comma before the ending quotation mark.) Karen asked as she lightly touched her daughter’s bruised cheek. Erica’s response were uncontrollable sobs at her mother’s touch.

Karen went back inside the house, grabbed her car keys and a blanket, and ran back to her daughter. She picked up Erica and helped her into the car. The drive to the hospital was quiet with an occasional sniff from Erica. When they arrived, Karen ran inside and screamed that her daughter had been raped. One person grabbed a wheelchair and two others ran out with him to the car. When they reached the car, all three of them gently put Erica in the wheelchair and rushed her into the emergency room with Karen following close behind. When Karen went into the back room where they were taking Erica a lady grabbed her arm.

“Ma’am… Ma’am, you can’t go back there.”

“Why not? (Only one question mark or one exclamation point) My daughter needs me. So if you don’t mind--” Karen jerked her arm out of the lady’s grasp and started to walk way, only to be stopped by the same lady.

“Ma’am, they can’t treat your daughter until you have filled out the papers.”

Reluctantly, Karen turned around and went back to the waiting room to fill out the forms. The seconds felt like years as she answered each question and filled out all the blanks on the papers. Karen was still filling out papers when two police officers walked in and talked to the lady at the front desk. The lady said something then pointed at Karen; the officers walked over and stopped about two feet in front of her. (Too many times you've used the word "papers." Find alternate meanings.)

“Ma’am, my partner and I would like to ask you a few questions,” said the taller of the two officers.

“Yeah, sure. Ask away,” Karen said, never looking up from the papers.

“Well, first I think we should tell you there has been a string of rapes over the last month and we believe your daughter has been the latest victim.”

Looking up, Karen said, “I haven’t heard anything on the news about this.”

“The department is trying to keep it under wraps to prevent copycats,” replied the other officer.

“But there’s one more thing you need to know,” the tall one said, speaking up again. “If your daughter was raped by this man, she will test positive for HIV."

(I've inserted commas throughout the piece; read carefully to find them.)

Answer 2

Ooh, come on! You do it! Read it line by line and see it it's clear.

It looks quite vivid. I notice it seems to jump from past tense to present and back; at least make it all in the same tense. Characters pop out in a lively way; I like that. You seem to have some feeling for the characters.. NB if a woman has sex with a guy who's HIV positive, she will not definitely be HIV positive herself as a result; it is likely but cannot be predicted this way. The police officer would never tell a mother this was the case; most irresponsible and inaccurate.

Answer 3

The average Rule of Thumb is to entire the first draft in its entirety after which edit. Since I'm an healthy author I select to do a primary edit as I write. Each time I sit down all the way down to my manuscript I learn again a minimum of one or 2 chapters to type of get myself stuck up and uncover the vigor of the tale once more. I can instantly get into the scene or head of the characters. While studying I would repair the constitution of a sentence, upload or get rid of convoluted description, ensure I'm no longer head hopping an excessive amount of and the factor of view is apparent, and regularly continuity. I wish to ensure it's appropriately main my reader in which I want them to head in order that the realization will make feel. I might must return and edit a targeted scene in view that I've further in anything closer to the top of the manuscript that wasn't foreshadowed earlier, I might get rid of a flashback in view that I learned I would transfer it someplace else and it does not learn like an data unload. Ultimately I can not rely the volume of occasions I edit in view that for me this can be a steady system. Once within the arms of my editor I am down to 2 edits. Her alterations (strategies and recommendation), after which any spelling or grammatical alterations at the galley reproduction.

Answer 4

Oh my god, this is so sad! I think it's very well written...i never guessed it would lead to the poor girl having HIV

Answer 5

dont make me do ur homework thats due tomorrow! though i didnt like the plot...you cant do this: !?