My dad is very verbally abusive to my mother, but she loves him. Us kids finally talked her into moving out...

Question

Hi.
My parents have been together for 35 years. Over the past 5-7 year, my dad has become vicous (sp?).. He tells her he doesn't love her and that he hates living here, he wants to leave (yet never does), that my mom is a horrible mother, our house is disgusting, and all his unhappiness is her fault.
There's SO much more and things ten times more mean and heartbreaking, but too much to explain.
Now if you knew my mom you would understand she's very peaceful, very soft-spoken, and never sticks up for herself. She just sits there and takes it.
My brother, sister, and I are all on her side. We all want to see HIM leave (because this is my mom's dream home), but we know as long as SHE stays HERE it will only get worse.. We finally talked her into moving out (and I will be going with her as well--I am 17, living at home). Anyway, my dad is probably going to try to make my mom's life a living hell.
He is the money maker.............

(please wait for additional details)

He is the money maker, she works as well but doesn't make nearly as much as he does..

Anyway, if they do end up getting a divorce (which my dad keeps saying he will do if she leaves), who gets what?

Since he makes more money, does he get more stuff? If we move out before the divorce goes through, can he change the locks on my mom so she can't come back to get anything? (which she thinks he would do)

What will webe allowed to take with us to the apartment? Anything?

Should she talk to a lawyer before we leave?

Since I'm under 18 (but only for 10.5 more months) will he immediately have to pay child support?

What about alimony since he makes the most money? (he makes 100k a year my mom makes about 50k--nothing in cali.)

She doesn't want to lose our house but she knows she can't afford it, just her, if they divorce.. So oh well, it's just material things..)


Any advice?
Anything???
:(

I mean my mom makes 40k not 50k

And my mom has never considered leaving before, she always thought he would be the one to leave, this is why we never jumped to conclusions and thoguht about all this ahead of time.
We recently had a major family blow out which is why this is so sudden.
We have tried counselors, everything....

Answer 1

You need to consult an attorney.

He will be ordered to pay child support till you are 18 or until you are out of her house (depend on state). He may or may not be liable for college as well depending on state.

At 35 years he is likely to have to pay alimony for a very very longtime, maybe even lifetime.

The assets will split at least 50/50 -- -I think this is standard in Ca, would be more for her in other states. She is entitled to 50% of all the assets they have accumulated since marriage including retirement accounts and equity in the house.

If the house is mostly paid for she could end up with it by trading the equity here for other portions of assets. For example if they have 100K in the bank and 100K in the house, she could trade the cash for the equity. This all gets negotiated. Even if she has to sell the house, she will get half the proceeds and will have the alimony along with her income to buy a new presumably smaller one.

Anyways get a consult from an attorney and don't let Dad bully you guys (he will not doubt try if that is his historical pattern). Get to gether with your sibs and help your mom to stay strong.

Good luck.

Answer 2

I am sorry your family is like that. (I am 16 and an only child) My parents are getting a divorce. My dad is not as bad as yours but he does have a temper. I would ask your mom to look for a job and maybe you too. (I might have to get one do to the divorce) Try to find a nice new house. If your life is a living hell what is the point of keeping a house that you never enjoy? Their will always be more houses. If they get a divorce your dad will have to pay child support. That will help a little money wise. If he will not leave you guys alone , you might have to get a restraining order on him. Try talking to a lawyer. The court does not really care who makes more. The court usually goes for the moms side if she has the children. I hope that help you. Good Luck!

Answer 3

It all depends on the laws in California. Talking to a lawyer is the best choice! They can inform you of the various laws in your state. If your parents go to court it will be a long and drawn out process. If your parents are cival, then they can settle out of court and it won't cost so much. You must realize that it costs thousands of dollars for a divorce. Sometimes it can take years for a divorce to be settled. A judge will decide who gets what if your parents cannot. I know this sounds like doom and gloom, but it is reality. The only reason I know something about this issue is that my brother and sister-in-law are in the process of a divorce. They had to wait a full year before they could be divorced. January it will be official. They were able to settle out of court and saved thousands. They did, however, have to file for bankruptcy.

I hope things will work out for the best. I hate to hear the ending of a marriage. Abuse, verbal or any kind, should not be tolerated. Be strong! Tough times are ahead! I wish you well!

Answer 4

I am so proud of you for standing up for your mom and yourself. You're definitely a very bright and caring child and your mother and father have done a wonderful job given the current circumstances. First, don't take sides. 2nd, Half is your moms!!! 35 years is a long time and if she has no means of support, well he will have to pay. Seek out an Attorney for help and be there for your parents. Equally!!! He is still your dad and well people change but it doesn't mean he thinks that about you! Your dad is probably really blaming himself but verbally taking it out on your mom....Good Luck!

Answer 5

Your mom should have never moved out, her house is her place. You and your brothers and sisters should have talked to your dad and tell him to leave at least for a few months to clear his head if he is so unhappy with his family. If he gets violent, you know what to do. Sometimes that is recommended by marriage counselors. And you know what? it helps a great deal.

Answer 6

If this has been going on for 5-7 years, why have you not considered answering these questions long before you talked her into jumping?

Answer 7

You should never have convinced her to move out. Because she moved out, it will look like she abandoned him and that will work against her in court.

Have you considered the possibility that there is something mentally wrong with your Dad? It is a possibility that he needs medical intervention or counseling. I'm afraid you all made things worse for your mother by convincing her to move out.

Answer 8

Well I wish we knew the answer hon....it is up to you...you have to think about good and bad sides...and what happens if you move out....where are you going to stay...can you afford living alone...how your mother would feel if is apart from the man that she was for 35 years?

These are serious questions that you need to answer....


Good luck take care of your mother and god bless you....

Answer 9

Who cares who gets what. Trust me your dad will be loosing way more than his money, he will be loosing the person who stuck by him all these years even when he was being an idiot. nobody to take care of him wash his clothes cook him dinner, will see how he reacts. And if he doesn't mind then you know what he probably never did anyways. You all can pitch in and help your mom stabilize. good luck.

Answer 10

This is so my family! My dad is abusive too...and he's the money maker. My mom is just like yours!!! I think your mom should move out. i mean, this is making her life hell! Don't give the new address to your dad...then he won't be able to make your mom's life a living hell. Or, talk to your dad about why he's like that....or he doesn't like to communicate? ....thinking about it, my mom should move out too.....