What to do when you've been cheated on?

Question

I've been married 9yrs. We have two beautiful young children. I just found out that my husband cheated on me when he was serving our country in Iraq. He didn't tell me, I found out through a missed placed email. She is still in Iraq and they had been emailing each other for the past few months. Now I question what I should do. Leave him and start over. That famous saying " Once a cheater....." goes through my head. Or try and work things out. He says he loves me and wants to work on our marriage. That she meant nothing to him. (but isn't what they all say) I also have my kids to think about. Please any advice would be welcome. I so very confused right now.

To answer your question... yes I confronted him. He said she meant nothing and he wants to work it out. I've kicked him out of the house while I decide what I'm going to do.

My husband and I had a wonderful marriage. I never ever cheated on him. I've never cheated on anyone in my life. If I felt some else caught my eye then I broke up with my b/f's. Then I met my husband. Everyone (including me) thought we had an almost perfect marriage. My family cried when I told them what happened. I was so shocked when I found out. Never would I think he would do this to me. I guess my problem is I would have some understanding about what happened if it stayed in Iraq, but it didn't. They continued to keep in contact through emails.

Answer 1

You didn't mention if he knows that you know. I think sometimes this can be worked through. It is obviously a tragic time for both of you. It was a tragic, lonely and strange time for him in Iraq. And one for you left behind with the kids. You should take into account some of these factors before deciding to leave. He should stop emailing her today though. He needs to cease all contact with her. And of course marriage counseling... it hurts. I'm sorry.

Answer 2

All that you have heard is indeed correct, hon... "Once a cheater, pretty much always one." And, my good friend, a marriage counselor says that only 20% of marriages with betrayal last two years, and that is with both in counseling, and both want to save it.... 20%, hon is an F in school, so, gotta be an F in life too.

When mine cheated, I was outa there, as in gone, as in left the state, as in "you get the divorce". The thought of the guy EVER touching me again made me want to vomit, so I did indeed leave,( never looked back, and found someone else... a lovely, truly wonderful man.... ) But, we had no kids...you do.

So, you have to ask yourself, are you willing to put your life on hold, suck it up, and repair your marriage or not???? And hon, that is a question only you and he can answer. Being a single parent is the worst of all possible worlds... ask any of your single girl friends who have full custody of the children...... most guys don't really wish to parent another man's children. So you may be by yourself a looooong time. On the other hand, can it be repaired?

All the best, hon. not easy in your case....simple in mine, even after 18 years, and most of them absolutely and positively I had married the prince...but betrayal? I couldn't have been more surprised if he had reached into my chest, ripped my heart out and threw it at my feet....

Answer 3

It's a big issue to me that he didn't confess it to you, that you had to find out on your own. And now that he's caught red-handed, he's so sorry and it meant nothing? But he's still been emailing her all this time, and probably never would have told you about any of it had you not found that email?? You need to decide if you can believe what he's telling you--you know him better than anyone. After you decide whether or not he is sincere will come the decision of whether or not to stay and work things out or hit the road. I'm so sorry, I know how it feels...Wish there was more profound and brilliant advice I could give you...Best of luck.

Answer 4

I'm no counselor, but I totally understand how this is an extremely difficult situation, especially because there are kids involved...But you do not deserve to be treated this way, and the saying once a cheater always a cheater is pretty accurate.A relationship is no good without trust, and he wrecked the opportunity to have your trust.That being said, so many kids have divorced parents, and are OK with it, and turn out great. This means 2 Christmas's 2 thanksgivings...plus I'm sure there is a man out there who will treat you right, and you will be the only woman in his life. It's your call, but I know how it feels to be cheated on and it is aw-full.

Answer 5

Been there done that!!! What you have to ask yourself is if you really love him, do you?? If you do then you can work it out. Find out if it's just sex. Because sex is sex is sex and love is love. BIG difference. I don't care if my hubby has sex with another woman as long as I have his heart, that's all that matters to me. If i found out he LOVES another woman i'd have to kick her ***, but as i said sex is just sex. The problem is if he keeps screwing this woman even if she is just a "booty call" eventually feelings WILL FORM!!!! But if it was a once or twice thing chances are that's all it was, just sex. In my relationship i'm the dog and he's the faithful one. We've been together for 15 years and I had a brief affair a long time ago which I only told him about once while we were broke up. So now i'm trying like hell NOT to do it again and to regain his trust because we love each other sooooo much and we have two kids 13 and 11.

Answer 6

If they both hadn't been in Iraq..I would be much harsher.

I would suggest counseling and the emailing..and ALL contact MUST CEASE AND DICIST! (sp?)!!

If he is a military man he could get court marshalled for cheating from what I understand..especially with a fellow soldier...If the marriage, you, his children, his finances, his home..etc..don't mean enough to him..perhaps his career does?

I am SO so..so very sorry!!!

Answer 7

did you have problems before? my husband went to iraq and he says that he saw cheating going on before they ever got out of the states. to be cheated on probably hurts really bad. i am not aware that i have ever had that happen to me-so i don't know how that feels. i really believe that being in church helped us make it through that year, but we have a real good relationship. this is our second marriage for both of us and we really wanted to do things right this time. were you faithful to him while he was gone? i am not trying to accuse you. i just wondered if maybe he was trying to pay you back or either he just wasn't strong enough to wait? i really hate this for your kids. that is the saddest part of all. children do not understand what happens and they shouldn't have to see such senseless things happen between their parents. if you love him and are willing to work it out - you need counseling.

Answer 8

War is a terrible thing. it makes ppl do thigns they would not normally do. If this is the first and last time and he can promise u tht, thn i think it is fair to give him a chance. How homest is he usually? wht is his track record in keeping his word? How deeply u both love each other? U both need to talk.
In many ways u are lucky he is back alive!!
This sordid Iraq war has broken so many lives and families on both sides!! You are not teh only one affected this way, i am sure there are so many others.
L

Answer 9

I will be praying for you to make the decision God would want you to make. I know you must be feeling so many emotions but know that God hold every single tear you have shed. You MUST seek Godly counsel and don't throw away a marriage because of the enemy's plan for sin. do you have the ability to forgive him? forgive doesn't mean to forget. But it does mean to Let go. Can you give it all to the Lord for him to restore and renew? it is a decision that you must be in prayer and fasting about. and if you like I will fast with you. I'm going through a situation in my marriage too ( he is gone with no word it's a month now) we can fast for both our marriages. your sister in Christ. Elizabeth

Answer 10

If he is still in contact with this woman then it is obvious he is not willing to work on the marriage, best thing would be to leave it. A marriage requires both partners to work on the marriage, and you can not make him stay in the marriage if he is not going to put as much effort in it as you will.