honest opinions and constructive criticism please, and what does this poem make you think?

Question

'Utopia'

There -
The not-place:
Island of ideals, paradise perfection,
Where,
In fields of gold,
Life is peace and Earth is free;
There,
Pure harmony,
No suffering, and eternal youth.

Here –
The ill-place:
Decaying paradise’s grave
Where,
In fields of blood,
The bullet rules and lies are truth;
Here,
Ideals exist,
But exist alongside man:
The element of destruction.

Answer 1

I love the way the imagery is continued into the second stanza, and the imagery is powerful. The form and construction is also very well done. It paints a very morose picture of the world and mankind. All the better to contrast to Utopia , I suppose. I think it is intelligent and interesting and I really like it.

Answer 2

After reading the other version, I can say absolutely that it is much better now. That is not to say it doesn't have problems though. The rhythm is still a little choppy, but it reads more like a poem now, and less like a letter. As for the white roses, it would take someone who loves roses to pick up the significance of the soil it takes to grow roses. Roses are hard to grow unless the soil is right for them, slightly acidic, the sorrow in the soil making it so. As a rose grower, I got that connection and it really works well in that spot. I'm not sure I would try any more editing on it, more might be too much and send it the other way, just change the your to you're as someone else brought out, and it will be a good poem.

Answer 3

Wow, this is quite scary, but good. I loved that with such a short amount of words, you say so much in the first stanza about how the world will never be like. Then, in the second stanza ,you contradict the ideas of the first stanza, expressing of what the world might end up in the future.

So, I liked this poem. It's thought provoking.

Answer 4

In there - u have described a world of ur imagination and in here - u have described the world around u a real one. Further, when u leave this world or when u r dead but ur conscious persists even after that, u hope to reach there which would be real world around u. Ur conscious is linked to the Supreme Power which regulates this world and ur thoughts r not just figment of imagination but guided by Him.

Answer 5

The use of other words for dystopia/utopia have a mystical melancholy, reminds me of the mood that Guy Gavriel Kay or Emma Bull can evoke.

Well done!

Answer 6

This is a fine poem. You make us compare ideals with reality. In the end, the bad guy is that person in the mirror.

Answer 7

Gives me feelings of the same mixture of disillusion and distant hope seen in some WW1 poetry-

Answer 8

Hi sweetheart,,,,I think it's great but that's no surprise I think we would all agree that you are incredibly talented=) Let's see it makes me think that your talking about earth and heaven am I right? lol, I'm no poet,,,keep it up kiddo, looking forward to seeing your books in a Barnes and Noble one day ,,,,very beautiful

Answer 9

Excellent, true,
seems to me depressed people can see the world more clearly, now write on how to cheer up.
thanks

Answer 10

It makes me think about what I'm having for dinner.

And why people keep insisting that Dysons are better than Henrys, when they obviously aren't.