Husband wants relationship with his very troubled parents - how many times can I watch this happen?

Question

My husband constantly tries to have some sort of a relationship with his parents, who are extremely emotionally abusive toward him. He gets hurt by them, over and over again, but always ends up running back for more. It hurts our relationship because he's still the little boy trying to please mom and dad, and has blown off the 'leaving and cleaving' to his wife thing. I'm quite sure his parents are not going to change, they are not going to give him the love and affection that he so desperately wants from them, and his obsession with trying to get them to do it is keeping him from moving forward and paying attention to wife and kids.
I feel badly for him, but I'm tired of watching him get kicked over and over again, and of this being such a barrier to our marriage being his main focus. What do I do - let him continue this until it eventually drives me away? Tell him it's got to stop? I've tried to find middle ground but as soon as he's with his parents he becomes obsessed.

Yummy - no, the in laws do not acknowledge our child or me - at all. They have not spoken one word to either of us in years. They will only talk to my husband, and when they do it is only to yell at him and to guilt him. No lie! I have stayed out of it, I've never said anything to his parents or to any of his extended family about this. I have talked to him, and he'll agree, but as soon as they call him again he is back to the old habits of doing whatever they want - no matter how unreasonable or outrageous. They have credit cards in our name (without my consent!), they interfere on every desicion we make. I cannot take it much longer.

American Beauty: Aha! I mean, DUH. I made it no secret in my post that I have a personal problem with this, that it affects our marriage, and that I'm upset about that. You don't have to read between any lines to figure that out. Husbands do have duties to their families, and, no, it's not okay that he blows these duties off to try and please his parents. No therapist out there is going to say that is healthy or okay. My question was how long is reasonable to let this go on, because I'm at the end of my rope already. I'm not Job, I have limits, just like all of us do.

Answer 1

Ok, I was the one like your husband who went back and forth to my abusive parents, while my husband could only watch. Unfortunately for you, you need to let him figure how much more he can take. Your best bet is to just be there for him when they do that to him. He'll soon learn that it doesn't get better no matter how much he changes. I have finally kicked my parents out of my life after doing the back and forth thing for 8 yrs. I'm now one year free of them and I can't believe I was so stupid to think they'd change.

For me, the change that was required was when they did something to one of my children. I could be a door mat to my parents but nobody messes with my kids. I hope it doesn't go to that for your husband but not a lot you can do. I'm assuming you've talked to him about this. I assume they're ok with your kids b/c that would be enuf of an ultimatum for them not to have contact with your kids.

Good luck.

Answer 2

I have a similar problem. I just got back from a trip over Thanksgiving where it was implied that they thought I would kill my children, and on my way out the door, I was called a Sl*t by his sister, who was relentlessly throwing hateful remarks at the both of us. The evening ended with his sister yelling "DO NOT DISRESPECT MY PARENTS!!!" and puting her hands around his neck as he goes to hug his parents goodbye. I didn't get why he was going back for more, in fact, I remember thinking every time he went "So, you haven't had enough yet?" My choice was never to go and see them, ever again. I know why my fiance goes, his father is dying of diabetes. So I try and support him the best that I can. Try some couples councling and discuss this issue and some individual councling for himself. There are a few useful books out there on the issue. Sit down once or twice a week and read through "Toxic Parents" and "Children of the Self Absorbed" together. These will hit home for him and force him to look at the pain he is in. If he must still go and see them, he has to be able to draw some boundries. Don't let him go if he can't afford the plane ticket, a hotel room, and a rental car. And don't let these items get in the way of paying your bills. Make sure that he only stays a few days. Tell him that this is affecting your relationship with him and you're not sure how much more you can take. Don't demand that he not ever see them, he won't respect you for that. It doesn't matter what he does, he will never get the love and approval from them that he needs.

Best of luck to the both of you.

Answer 3

Why don't you be honest about this. You're not really concerned about the relationship between your husband and his parents. You're concerned about his relationship with you. Why would you be driven away, because he's trying to cultivate a relationship with his parents--even if his attempts are futile? You don't know if his parents are going to change or not. You just resent his wanting to please them, when you think he's not doing enough to please you. And why do call him a little boy, because he wants a relationship with his parents? Can a grown up person want a relationship with his parents as well? Don't you want a relationship with your family? You're not helping the situation. In fact, you're causing your husband more pain, because you're not showing him the love and affection he needs. When you start being more of a woman, he'll start clinging to you, instead of his abusive parents!

Answer 4

For better or for worse right so there you go he is not going to change and you need to be with him I know this must drive you nuts but I think that best thing you can do is get some professional help like a shrink someone that can make a good remark on your husband and his illness if not you are going to have to yell at him and let him see the truth that they do not care about him and they never will and that is it.

Answer 5

Both of you need counseling, especially him. Professional counseling. Very sad. He tries so hard to win a no-win situation and gets battered even more. Unfortunately, this happens far too often in society and kids - ADULT "kids" wind up never letting go of their guilt for not being what Mom and Dad want/wanted.

He needs to see them much less than he does - distance himself and get counseling to see how damaging this can be to your marriage, and eventually, as a parent if you two have children.

He needs to do this soon...make a concerted effort to change his life and understand, why he behaves around them as he does - why he takes the shi* that he does, as an adult, from them.

Grace

Answer 6

I even have come to the tip that a guy over the age of 30 is set in his strategies and by way of the time he's 35 he won't in any respect chang. I even have been in an identical situiation for 8 years, thinking that it will exchange, reason each and every time I communicate approximately something, he responds with a negetive respond everytime or he will decrease off my verbal exchange and make me neglect my total factor and opposite it and make it right into a argument that grow to be under no circumstances meant in the 1st place. All that we've in straight forward is our 8 365 days old daughter. He sleeps in a single room I sleep on the settee. as quickly as we are on good words and that's approximately each and all of the time now simply by fact i am going with to no longer use my skill anymore in or around the toddler i could supply him a splash intercourse. that's all that that is simply by fact the affection is lengthy previous. we are only acquaintances in an identical domicile. I additionally am eleven years older than he's and he can't positioned no longer something previous me, reason i've got executed them till now. Your husband won't in any respect exchange of being aggravated with you, simply by fact the affection is lengthy previous. no longer something you're able to do will exchange this. i do no longer care what the different solutions enable you recognize till they bypass by way of what we are going threw proper now they're and we be clueless. consult with him approximately what's on his recommendations and that i guess you he gets mad opposite the verbal exchange into "What are you conversing approximately?" after which right here comes the arguing approximately something you like closure on. If he listens and not fuss and provides a answer that touches your heart ,you will understand then precisely what to do.

Answer 7

Ok you have to be the one to stand up for your relationship, sometimes keeping quiet makes people think it does not really affect you. You can not keep letting your in-laws walk over your marriage, you have to stand up for your husband and marriage. The in-laws obviously know they can walk over your husband and with you not saying anything they would keep doing it. First talk to your husband, no sugar coating your words, let him know that if things do not change you are not going to put up with it any longer, then let him know you are going to start defending your marriage and you feel he is not taking a stand for you and your family(children, and marriage) and that if he does not do so, you will be pushed away.

Answer 8

Wow. Spouse and kids have to come before everything else. He needs to get some counseling to help him work through his parent issues and allow him to fucus on his family like he should be.
In the absence of that, I think you should draw the line. He either pulls himself together and gets some help or he can go ahead and move back in with mom and dad because you and the kids won't be around.

Answer 9

It's simple - he needs to open up his eyes to what is going on and coming from you is not gonna do it, he needs a therapist.

Give him an ultimatum. Find a good and recommended therapist and make him go. He has got to realize what is really happening before there will be resentment towards him not only from you but from his children.

Have you tried to ask the parents to back off?

Answer 10

All of these answers are great. I am just the opposite. I recognized my parents self destructive tendencies. My wife wanted me to keep trying so I wouldn't "have regrets". I was patient until she came to the realization that they were pathological. That's all I can say, be patient, it will happen eventually. I am also very sorry for you and your husband. No one can hurt you like the ones you love.