Would you consider this cheating?

Question

My wife, about 3 years ago, met another guy online and (she says) started innocently talking with him saying that they only talked about things like antiques, art, house decorating, etc... But she never told me about this guy until I found out a little over 2 years ago. She said she wouldn't contact him any more.

Ok, so now about 6 months ago I jumped on our computer and she had forgotten to log out of her email... I know I shouldn't have looked, but I did anyway. She was still emailing him and worse yet, had even secretly met him in person several times.

I confronted her with this and she was ADAMANT that nothing physical happened between them and that she hadn't cheated. The problem is that in an email this guy sent to her after one of their meetings, he said that he wishes that he could wrap his arms around her and wake up to her lying next to him. There was more of that kind of intimate talk in other emails too.

I can't seem to let this go. Any advice?

Thank you for the overwhelming amount of responses. To add a little bit more that I couldn't fit in the above... I did ask her to stop contacting him again 6 months ago, which she said she would.

I probably went about my next actions the wrong way.. but I installed spyware onto our computer and saw they were still emailing and talking on the phone. This went on for another 3 months before I didn't see any more communication.

I don't know if she was tipped off by this guy that I may have done something like this and now she's only contacting him from her work... or if she had a change of heart and is really done with him.

I love her and yes, we have children, so I don't want divorce. But I don't want to confront her after all this time and find that she's moved on.

So that's my dilemma that i've been wrangling with for a few months and I just want resolution, i guess. Some way to put it behind me.

Thank you again! You are all very kind.

Answer 1

I wouldn't let it go. And yes, it is a form of emotional cheating...but she may not have physically cheated on you.

Now, I can't say if you can let it go, and I don't know if I would...but I can suggest that you consider that she is emotionally attached in some way and you need to talk it out asap before it festers into a divorce.

Sometimes women let little unmet needs at one time turn into a mess that they can't get out of later. It is likely that this man has unrealized fantasies. It is possible that she is indulging herself. I am sorry but it is possible.

Talk to her. Tell her your concerns. Tell her that you feel that she has cheated on you whether it is physical or not. Ask her what she needs to let this man go forever and if she can not...then you must make decisions in your best interest.

Obviously she wasn't thinking about you. Maybe she is so immature that she doesn't see it as cheating. But either way...trust is broken.

Either the trust gets mended or divorce or misery is in your future. Try to keep the emotion out of it...hard as that is. Give her a choice. Do what you can with her comments.

People don't realize how much trust is essential in a relationship. Once you blow it...often it is gone for good. Sorry that it happened to you.

It isn't wrong of you to be upset...now continue to confront her and arrive at a solution.

Answer 2

Yes I would consider your wife's behavior cheating, definitely. I would call the e-mails cheating, but to top that off she met the guy in person, and there was intimate talk in the e-mails. It's one thing to have friends, but this is not the same as her getting together with a girlfriend and going shopping. All the time she spends on this person, whether it's e-mailing about art or meeting in person, is time spent away from YOU. And that is not a good thing. She is clearly wanting more from this guy....and needless to say he wants her for sex, and it could be happening now. You have to confront her and get her to talk about what's wrong and why she is going to someone else instead of you. You are the one she married and she should be spending time with YOU!! I hope it works out for you, and good luck!!

Answer 3

If she didn't tell you she was meeting this guy, then yeah. You both need to communicate better with each other. If she has time and is making the effort to have a relationship with another man(that's not family) then there's a problem with your relationship. Do you guys spend time together. Hows the romance? You both need to seek marriage counseling. She has found something in this other guy that she doesn't see in you, or haven't discovered. You both need to get to the root of the problem to solve it.
In spite of that...bottom line she dead wrong for what she's doing and you need to let her know, you are displeased with this relationship between her and him. Yes, it is cheating. Emotional, and mental cheating. I'm pretty sure if there was someone(woman) you were talking with secretly and frequently she wouldn't appreciate it. Especially, if you met up secretly. Naw man, that's not cool. Good luck and God Bless your marriage.

Answer 4

I would consider it inappropriate. I know it's hard for most people to deal with this stuff rationally, but I would try - print out the e-mails, and think about how you would like to tackle the problem. The usual scenario is - you confornt her, she denies or makes up excuses, you back her into a corner, she promises to never do it again. Now what? What will you do next? Are you prepared for the possiblity of this happening again? Are you going to be obsessed with it? Are you gonna spy on her? Can you accept it and move on? do you feel that you can leave her over this? I would think about it and resolve it for yourself before you even bring it up with her; just have a rough idea of how you will deal with it long-term.

Whether or not anything "physical" has happened is irrelevant, don't get hung up on trying to resolve this, it's a distraction tactic which will lead you away from the main issue. The main question is - what are the guidelines that you two agree on for your relationship? Is it ok to talk to other people of the opposite sex? Is it ok to meet them? Is it ok to hide the fact that you're meeting them? Draw the lines where you think they should be, and ask her if she agrees. Is there something that's missing from your marriage that she's looking to get elsewhere? Discuss it without focusing on the specific details of what happened between your wife and this other person - you know enough to give you a rough idea, the rest is up to you two to work out.

Answer 5

Babe, You have been used, lied to, and royally screwed over. You need to let the tramp go and move on to better women. if she is acting like this then she needs to wake up in his arms. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Really, now lets look at the big picture. Do you really think that they have met more than a few times and never done anything? Why did she not tell you then? You will be better off without that woman. Tell her to get out. If you have kids, remember that those are your children too. Make her leave without them, or take them with you when you leave. She has had, and is having a fling on you. So why be married to her when you can find happiness else where.

Answer 6

She is absolutely WRONG in this situation. The fact that she hid it from you originally shows she knew she was doing something that you wouldn't like or that would hurt you. These internet things start innocently enough sometimes but it's not long before you're sharing very intimate conversations which can certainly lead to other things. She's focusing on the fact that, according to her at least, they haven't done anything physical. But that's not the point. The point is that it bothered you, you asked her to stop, and she said she would and then DIDN'T. She lied and continued to lie to you every time she emailed, talked to him online or met him out in person. She had betrayed your trust. Ok, maye she didn't commit a betrayal on the level of cheating but it's bad enough and she should be ashamed of herself.

Answer 7

Why should you let it go? Whether she cheated or not, she lied, hid things from you, omitted things, sneak around etc.., Even if they haven't been intimate, it is obvious from the emails that the man would like to be. I would be very hesitant to believe they haven't been intimate.

I am not sure where you should go from here or what you need to do. But don't let her convince you are in the wrong or minimize what has happened again. I think she owes you some explanation, truth and the two of you really need to talk.

Answer 8

Obviously, even married people have friendships outside of the marriage. But when the other person voices concern about a certain friendship, there should be a mutual respect. It is apparent that she is not respecting your concerns. I applaud that you do not want to divorce. Perhaps counseling might help you better understand what the deeper issue is. If in fact she is cheating....there is usually a bigger underlying problem. I wish you the best!

Answer 9

In my personal opinion any significant other should be talking to another person of the opposite sex in any sexual or attentive way. She is disrespecting you and you can bring it up as many times as you want until you feel satisfied with it. Trust is a big thing between couples and if you have doubt then you should talk it out. Don't hold anything in because you will regret it in the end. Talk about things for the sake of the children!

Answer 10

Anytime a person is being sneaky and lying that is not a good sign. What she is doing is consider cheating and I think you need to seek some marriage counseling. If she's not willing to change her ways you need to invest in a divorce attorney. Would she like if you met a woman and was emailing another woman secretly?