My wife and I have recently seperated because she's not happy.?

Question

We have a small child who we both adore. We are seeking counseling. Over the past 3 months it has gotten bad. She has been texting a guy she swears is a friend ober 300 times and sees nothing wrong with it. I feel as if she's filling a void emotionally allowing her not to focus on us. She also spends most of her time,emails, and texts talking to 3 of her friends (one who is going through divorce #2, one who is filing #1, and one who just remarried #2) keep in mind we are all only 33 years old. But she says that they have ZERO impact on her decisions. I am no saint, I have never cheated, and I am not accusing her of it, but I want to work things out so badly and she's closing the door. Our duaghter is the most important thing, and my wife tells me it's better to divorce when they are younger (I vehememtly disagree). I am willing to sacrifice some happiness for the sake of my daughter world being rocked. Any help or thoughts please.

Answer 1

Do NOT stay just for the sake of the child. However, it's better for a child to grow up with separated parents who put his/her best interest first then in a loveless home. Especially if there is fighting and stress all of the time.

It doesn't sound like the Mrs is in it 100% to work things out. You're already in counseling. I'd tell her to lay off the texting and focus on your relationship. If she's not willing then cut your losses and move on. Just be there for your child as much as possible and make every decision based on what is best for the kid. If only one person is trying to keep the relationship going it can not work. You'll end up resenting the situation and probably quite angry. You don't want your child to grow up with friction between mom and dad all of the time.

Many children who's parents divorce right after they reach adulthood feel guilty realizing mom and dad only stayed together because of them. It can also be traumatic if the child actually believed all was well and then has to deal with everything they thought to be true was actually a lie for their sake.

Answer 2

I agree with you on sacrificing some happiness for the young ones. They are affected a lot by divorce. My parents divorced when I was 2 or 3 and it messed my life up. Since then I've turned it around and have a very happy life with a wife and 2 children. If she is texting this guy that much I would think something is going on or is going to happen. She will probably find out it was not the right decision but that's why hindsight is 20/20. I wish I had an answer for you because divorce really sucks. Good luck though. I hope somehow everything works out.

Answer 3

That is sad to hear and it sounds as if your wife has lost interest in you. If she loved you she would stop texting the other guy to prove to you that theres nothing for you to worry about- it sounds like she wants her freedom though and it seems there is not much you can do. You are doing the right thing by having counselling. You need to concentrate on reassuring your little girl that she is still the centre of your universe and its not her fault. It is better to divorce when they are small in my opinion- they are much more resilient when they are young. I waited until mine were grown up 15, 18 and 20 because i held the same view as you and it was more devastating for them- not least because they were old enough to take sides and understand the bitterness of it all. However, having said that it matters not what age they are its still awful for a child. If my parents divorced i would be devastated even now. You will get over it though and you will move on after the pain- it takes a while but you will find someone who really loves you and appreciates a honest man- they are so hard to come by!!!

Answer 4

I have been in this situation--only I was in the wife's place. Her friends are influencing her (whether she realizes it or not.) She is probably missing the single life that her friends are experiencing and the newness of being in a new and exciting relationship. Chances are, there is more to this "frienship" than she is telling you. You are a good parent b/c your child is the most important thing to you. Hopefully, your wife will come to her senses and realize that her daughter is most important to her too. Until then, there is not much you can do. You cannot control another person. Hopefully, in time she will realize what her actions have done to her family and regret them and feel guilt. Counseling will help, but she has to be willing to walk the walk. Just hope for the best and take care of yourself and your daughter.

Answer 5

I think you are right on about her filling up her world so she can't focus on your marriage. Separation is about taking time to really think about and sort things out. Life goes on, don't get me wrong, but how can you be thinking and working on your relationship when all of your time is taken up?

On the other hand, it sounds like she may have her mind made up and there isn't anything you can do about that except tell her you love her, you want to work things out and you think it is a mistake.

I hate it when people blame staying in a bad relationship or getting divorced on their children. Your child will be happy and secure if you are happy whether that is together or a part.

I hope this helps.

Answer 6

I think you need to be honest about the doubts you have or things you are worried about. It sounds like you feel like she is not focused on the counseling as much as you are, so you need to explain why. Hopefully there is a common ground you can reach, where she is not giving up something innocent she may be doing and you are not feeling like she lacks care. About her opinion on the divorcing when the child is young, my parents divorced when I was 7 and it would have only been worse for my mother to have had to wait it out until we were older. I can assure you we didn't miss out on anything positive. If he had been a better, more responsible dad, then maybe we would've for the male role model issue, but only if there was a chance at both parents communicating well and not fighting bc they HAVE to stay together.

Answer 7

I grew up in a household where my parents were extremely unhappy and no matter how hard they tried to hide it for my and my sibling's sake, we knew.

I can honestly say that I wish they would have divorced so I could have experienced both of them in separate HAPPY environments.

Staying together just for the sake of the child can be counterproductive for their healthy emotional development. All they learn about marriage is that it is a constant unhappy struggle and that is what they will look for in their own future relationships.

I would suggest that you and your wife continue to seek counseling if for no other reason than to learn how to separate with the minimum impact on your child.

Answer 8

Don't SEEK counseling. GET IT. Call someone, make an appointment and get started NOW.

my husband and I are in counseling and it is the greatest thing we have ever done. We are 33, as well. And we have put off having a child until we work out our issues.

You can't ignore it and hope it goes away. but something isn't working, and she is avoiding working on it. You need counseling now, it's the ONLY way you can find out if you guys can mend what's broken or not.

Answer 9

She needs to be willing to do what you're doing--willing to give up a tiny bit of happiness for the sake of the child. We all know that no one can be happy 100% of the time. The only time that I would think about divorce is if you guys couldn't come to the same conclusions on things. Because I honestly think that you can compromise on almost everything. But both of you have to be willing to do that.

I think she is being influenced by these friends, but not in the way that she might be thinking that you're saying. I don't think they're sitting there saying, "You should do it, too!" but I think that they might be saying, "I'm sooooo much happier on my own!" So she might be influenced, but in a way that she doesn't quite know.

Answer 10

Are you sure it's not another guy that she is texting with? If you and your wife truly want to save your marriage, you two should go to marriage counseling. You guys have reached a point that you cannot work it out by yourselves.

You also need to let her know that she is important to you, you marriage together is important to you and that you are willing to do all things possible to save your marriage and do it.

Always remember that communication is key to any successful relationship. If after taking and counseling, may be her wanting out of the marriage is a good thing for you in the end.