How long is too long even if the going is good?

Question

Is 6yrs too long to be involved with a man that hasn't proposed? Your relationship together is good (for the most), but marriage hasn't been a big topic. Mentioned, but not discussed.
What do you think? I have my own opinion, but what's yours?

To: Tballbab... He's not married nor has he ever been. I know his family, I know as much as a person can know about another person in six years.

Answer 1

Although society has placed certain standards and guidelines to the hows and whens of relationships unfortunately things happen in there own time and sometimes they don't happen at all. You stated above that you know this guy about as well as you can know someone in your 6 yrs of togetherness well then I'm sure you have some clues to the answer here as it pertains to you. I know someone who met there husband and 3 months later they were married they are happy 14 yrs and counting. I know someone who dated someone for 15 yrs before they finally got married (they lived together for about 11 yrs before saying I do) and I swear to hear her speak of him and how her face lights up its brand new each time. I also know folks who got married after a couple of years and are now divorced but how does any of that apply to you - it doesn't. Your experience is your own. No two relationships are the same - they may have similarities but not quite the same. The real question here is what do you think? Is this something you honestly see happening with this guy? We as women are not clueless we know things, we know when we are hanging on in there just for the hell of it or when we have a legitimate reason. You know your guy and you know the answer to this question.

With all that being said - I don't have the answer you are looking for here and neither do any of the others but you do. Look into you, look into who he is, people always tell us who they are the question we have to ask ourselves is whether or not we want to be there and accept them.

Answer 2

My own personal feeling is that even 2 years is "too long" to pass by without marriage being seriously discussed. But it really all depends on what you two are looking for from the relationship on the one hand, and from marriage on the other. Some people view marriage as a big spiritual step that takes their relationship on a new level, for others it's just a "piece of paper", and there's a range of attitudes that can fall anywhere in between. Where do the two of you stand?

I can only share how I feel about marriage. I am not religious, so marriage isn't meaningful to me in the religious/spiritual sense; but it is socially important, and it has a lot of practical benefits - so my view on marriage is, if we're going to seriously commit to being a couple, there's no reason why we shouldn't just get married and take advantage of the opportunities and benefits that marriage provides. If the other person is opposed to marriage in principle, or has some inflated fears or doubts - this probably isn't the type of person I want to be with long-term, anyway. It's not really the question of marriage itself that is important - rather, the important issue is how compatible we are in our views on certain things.

Answer 3

If a man has not proposed in six years I would ask what his intentions are regarding the topic. If he says he doesn't want to marry, ever, I would get on down the road. Each day left in a relationship without a future is a day wasted locating the one who would wish to marry and have a solid future and children.

If he is at all wishy wasy about the topic, I would be off down the road. The same reason as above.

Perhaps he doesn't think you are interested in marriage? It could be a case of minunderstanding. You can only find out by bringing up the topic, by taking a chance and just discussing it out in the open.

If you don't mind not being married, not having the legal status that marriage brings, or the full committment of a marriage, then stay in the relationship as it stands. Otherwise, take the bull by the horns and just bring it up and discuss what your feeling are and what you would like to see happen to encourage the growth of the relationship.

Regardless of how many people stay in relationships without marriage, it is NOT a full committment on anyone's part. It is too simple to walk out when just living together, and studies have shown that children do not do as well when parents cohabitate than when they are married.

Marriage is not a safety net against breaking up, but it does bring a level of committment to the relationship that cohabitation does not. If not, then why do all the gays and lesbians wish to get the right to marry properly? It is a huge committment over and beyond living together. Plus, children have a right to not be born illegitamently. It matters to children whether or not their parents are married, and does not teach them what a true committed relationship is.

If you are in this situation it is up to you what you want in life. If you are prefectly OK continuing on without marriage then why bring it up here? I think it matters to you. So, bring it up and take a chance. Don't waste any more of your life on a man who refuses to marry you. Don't let him say he doesn't want to marry, "anybody" then a year or so down the line break it off with you only to marry a different woman. I have seen this happen far to many times. I refused to even move in with my significant other until he proposed and we married. The old saying, "Why buy the cow if the milk is free" is far too true, and so sad when women don't honor themselves enough to out and find what they need in a relationship, just stay stuck in one which is not fullfiling to them.

Good luck and a very happy holiday season.

Answer 4

Yes, 6 years without proposal and plans to marry is too long. If you really want to be married, be frank and tell him you were hoping the relationship would grow to the point of marriage and you are sad it hasn't and need to move on. And then DO move out, move on...

This will either jolt him into rethinking about the relationship and realizing you are the woman for him... great, do not move back without an actual proposal and a date to get married. Many boys proposed and give the ring to temporarily placate their women and then stretch the engagement till kingdom come... you want a reasonable date (1 year tops)

Or he will let you go. Then you will need some time to adjust to being single again. And to mourn the loss of the relationship and the potential outcome you had hoped for. Take this time and use it to figure out who you are and whom you want. Do not skip this step...

Best of luck!

Answer 5

Well, I was married after a year and a half and it works great for me, but my sister and her man have been together for 15 years and have 6 kids together, and it works for them. Oh yeah, they aren't married.

Personally, after that much time, I would propose instead of waiting to hear a proposal, but that's just me. I think 6 years is long enough to know if you want out or not, and if not, past time to get married. However, some people are fine not getting married and not having the protection that comes with it. I'm more traditional. I wanted to get married.

Answer 6

Ask him what he wants in life maybe your with a guy who just wants a lover and no strings attached. If that is the case if your looking for the ring and the big day then maybe it is time to say goodbye and find a guy who wants what you want. Or simply maybe just propose to him and see how he reacts sometimes the easiest thing can show what kind of person you are with. Really though can you see yourself walking with him and maybe your grandkids fifty years from now or can you even see yourself walking down the aisle with him if you answered yes to both of these then maybe he is the man for you but really you may not be the one for him 6yrs crap I proposed after 6months. I just knew she was the one for me.

God Bless and Best Wishes you might as well find out now if he is commitment phobic because from what you have written here it sure sounds like it.

Answer 7

It is not how long you been with a person the question is are you ready for marriage? soon me and my bf will be going on 4years and marriage has been brought up and discussed and I am 25 soon to be 26 he is 24 soon to be 25 and honestly I am not ready and don't feel like I will be ready any time soon. So don't base your curiosity over how many years but base it on if both of you are ready for that step. why don't you bring it up to him to see how he feels about the whole thing, this is the only real way to know how one feels about it with you not just marriage in general. You stated to one of the other answers you know him about as well as any could know a person then you should have know problem finding this out in a conversation with oh boy.

Answer 8

hi kskate2jb!!! your question is very interesting cuz i'm in a very similar situration ive been with my guy for about 5 years and i know that its been too long for me, we have discussed marriage at length and he does want us to get married, so now im wait for him to pop the question and give me the rock! i disagree the some of the others when they say ask him! i do think you should bite the bullet and talk to him, tell him what you want, i know it can be scary but you have to do it, dont give him ultimatim tell him want you need and that you must look out for you, if it comes to the point where you have to leave him he may try to come back but you gotta stick to your gun unless he comes back with a ring and a date. Just do it kskate! Good Luck

Answer 9

Well I think you should discuss it now. You have reached the point where you have to do so. Studies even show that if a man does not propose in the seven years of the relationship, he rarely ever does so. If you want him to start considering the relationship, discuss it with him. His responses will lead you onto whether he want to do so or not.

Answer 10

I think it is up to the couple. A girl in my class dated her boyfriend for 7 years and had a son before they got married. Of course they got together when we were Juniors. Genuine high school sweethearts.