'Utopia' reworked - thoughts now?

Question

There -
The not-place:
Island of ideals, paradise perfection,
Where,
In fields of gold,
Life is peace and Earth is free;
There,
Pure harmony,
No suffering, and eternal youth.

Here?
In fields of blood,
The bullet rules, and lies are truth;
Here -
The ill-place;
Ideals exist, but we hold sway:
The destruction factor

oh, i'm flattered.
guess i did ask for honesty.

Answer 1

Well, you did improve it by expanding on the ill-place, but something is still off. You might consider incorporating some symmetry and balance between the not-place and the ill-place. To begin with you start off with There-The not-place, but you don't do that for the ill place. Try beginning the second set with Here-The ill-place. Also in the first set you use a pattern of (There...Where...There). Try (Here...Where...Here) in the second set of lines. Make the not place and the ill-place relate to each other somehow. You are on the right track. Just a little more work and you'll have it.
Good Luck

Answer 2

I think your idea is best demoed by juxtiposing in a see-saw pattern of contrasts: a "tug of war" between the ideal and the mundane/inane. Especially, if you were to build the tension upward to a crescendo of a sort according to your thinking.
Perhaps a queery as to your philisophical solution or answer to how the ideal may be won. Or worse, how or why it will NEVER happen! I suppose what I'm suggesting is some drama to liven it up.

Answer 3

Hubris & Pretencious