Does anyone know anybody who chooses to get married but not to live together?

Question

My BF and I are considering getting married but still living separately. We are both in our late 30's, I have kids, and we both adore each other but enjoy living under our own roof. We think we'd probably drive each other crazy if we lived together, and that our love would have a better chance of survival if we lived separately -- obviously traditional marriage isn't faring so well, and think of all the issues that could be alleviated if you weren't in each other's face all the time! But it's way outside the box, and nobody I've asked about it has ever heard of it -- or has had a positive reaction to the idea!

OK, so I'm assuming everyone who is responding has been happily married for years and knows what the heck they are talking about? Yes, I've been married and divorced the cheater. Living together doesn't stop cheating -- I think it makes it more likely. Cheaters cheat. Living apart shows trust in the other person's character and maturity.

Answer 1

It is definitely unusual, but I have heard of similar situations.

I went to college with a young woman whose mother lived in Georgia while her father lived in California (for work). He flew back and forth every couiple of weeks.

Another woman I know has a father who lives in Germany. Her mother lives in the U.S. in the metro Atlanta area. I am not sure how long they have been married, but I know that it is over 30 years (my friend is 30 and I think there is an older sister) and that my friend's mother has lived in the U.S. for 26 years.

I also met a couple once through work that had never lived together. They had been married about 6 months, but she still lived at home with her parents... about 20 miles from her husband.

I also know of at least two couples who live on the same property, but he has a second smaller "house" (in one case, it's actually a 30 foot horse trailer with living quarters) that he lives in most of the time.

Answer 2

I only know one couple with such a living arrangement, they are the parents of a friend of mine; they've been living apart since my friend (their daughter) was 7 - and she's pushing 40 now. The parents are still married and have a good relationship, they just couldn't live together under the same roof. I don't know them personally, so I can't give more details. All I know is that it IS an unusual and unexpected living arrangement, and if you decide to go forth with it you should be prepared for all kinds of unwanted feedback - but at the end, only you two can decide what works best for you. My guess that it might be more common than many people believe, it's just not the "social norm."

I can understand where you're coming from; my husband and I share a 4-bedroom house (just the two of us), and it's really nice to have all the space. We each have our own room, and we like the arrangement. Most people are taken aback when they find out we sleep in separate rooms, but this is what works for us; other people don't make our decisions.

Answer 3

I couldn't imagine not living with my husband. I don't think that living together or apart has any bearing on whether a marriage will work...but what is the point of getting married if you are going to live in separate homes? Won't that be hard on the kids? If it works for you and everyone else involved, then I see no reason to put the idea down. But by the same token, I have yet to see it in practice.

Answer 4

I am happily married, and I think if you are considering doing this then you really are not wanting to be married. Your marriage will be on paper only.

Both of you, or one of you, is holding back out of fear. Now I cannot tell you what exactly it is you are so afraid of because I don't know you or him, but you are lying to yourselves.

Perhaps since you were burned in the past you think this will somehow prevent the same issues from coming up, but I think the real issues here are within yourselves, and living together, or not living together, will not alleviate the real problem.

Until you get to the root of your fears, your relationship is a fraud..married or not. When we cannot give of ourselves completely, we are not really living the love we deserve.

Answer 5

Miranda,

Give me a break! Why would you do this?? Your kids deserve more then the ding bat that they have ended up with!! You need to lay off the peanut butter because your going nuts. The whole point of marriage is the strength of two; the team, tha family. It is two people living together in order to be more.

You need to understand and come to accept that the only way you can ever be married again or for the first time, is if there is a man who is crazy about you and your kids. Some one who wants a ready-made family. Sounds as though you'ver already given up on that. He must be stable and have a heart big enough to love another man's children. You have to be ready to look at yourself and him very objectively. Maybe thats why you'ver come up with this foolishness. You haven't really analyzed your situation. The man you choose must have a full understanding of what he would be taking on and the privacy he would be giving up!! Living on your own is just that, living on your own.

I want you to begin volunteer at the nearest elderly facility for 2 hours per week. Talk to the residences and listen closely to their stories. After 3 months re-evaluate what you believe to be strong relationship and get back with me.

Good Luck,
I'll send you some fresh brain waves.

Answer 6

I think you solution of being together and even married but not necessarily living together is brilliant.

Obviously, you both have given this thought and have figured out that living under the same room would be stressful. So, you still want to be married and enjoy the benefits of marriage (tax breaks, insurance, benefits, etc.) yet chose to live in separate homes so your marriage won't end. This seems like a creative and again, brilliant suggestion. Only thing, make sure kids understand what's happening.

Wish you well!!!

Answer 7

My aunt and uncle do that, and they love it. They live on the same property, but he lives in the "guest house" while she has the main house. They do all the traditional things together, like eat dinner, watch movies, etc, just whenever they want a "break" they have different "retreats" to go to LOL.

For the people who're bashing it, I wonder...do they know that it's actually VERY common for married couple's to sleep in different rooms? What's the difference from a room down the hall from a house out back?

Personally, I'd never do this, but if it works for you guys, then so be it. Whatever works for YOU and YOUR marriage should be done. Good luck! :)

Answer 8

Then whats the purpose of getting marry?? If that is the case just continue seeing each other and live separately...Getting marry is wanting to bind your relationship because you have choosen to share your live together..If you get marry but, do not live together how would you both be committed to each other?? Marriage is something serious and sacared...Maybe you want to consider making that choice if your not ready to go ALL the way with it....Best Wishes...

Answer 9

This is possible but it could put strain on the marriage. Suppose by him having his own place it gives him more freedom to cheat. If you are busy at your own place he could use that time to slip another woman in and slip out without you ever knowing. Also he would then just take a shower and take care of other personal hygiene matters and you would never know what happened. Living together isn't just for the monetary standpoint. It's all to help keep significant others in check so you don't do something wrong. I've heard it a million times. "He'd never do that to me." Tell that to the millions of women who have divorced their husbands because of their cheating ways. You really should consider trying to find a place where both of you can live together.

Answer 10

That's a new concept to me. I know people who live separately because of job or military obligations. But not an arrangement such as yours. Sounds like a good idea if you both think would work best. I could see since children are involved it working better. Seems like you'd have more money if you both lived together. You could try it and see how it goes, you can always live together down the road. Personally I would think it would be best if you lived together, but in a bigger place. And had separate rooms and gave each other their space every now and then. Good luck.