Wow! This is personal, I'm desperate. I need advice?

Question

I don't know what to do. The answer is obvious, but fear is so powerful. I have been In a relationship for over 15 years, we've been together since high school. We have two children, they are amazing. I had my son early at 20. So basically I've gone from living at home, to living with him. Our relationship has had major issues,known infidelity(on his part) of couse he won't admit. Abuse at first physical, emotional and verbal. The past 9 years have been drama free. Although I know I love him, I am so miserable and afraid that he'll cheat again. I've never been on my own. I will have a huge problem with him and custody. His income is our main source. I have mainly stayed at home with our kids. I have no family or friends that would be able to help temporarily. How can I leave? Should we seek counsling from our priest? Or family counsling. I'm so sad.

Answer 1

You can get really good advice at www.survivinginfidelity. com---this site is great for advice on all kinds of situations. Good luck sweetie.

Answer 2

If you've been together that long, then try thinking about the impact this is having on your kids. Even if you've been drama free for a significant period of time, your kids can probably sense your fears and everything going on with you. I understand the financial bind, but keep in mind that even if things get hard they aren't impossible. Sometimes help can come from the most unlikeliest of places.

I would say that if you haven't tried some type of counseling yet that you give your husband the ultimatum of you both try counseling of some kind and both put your whole heart into it or you're done. No matter what this situation is going to hurt, but part of growing as a person and a role model for your children is making it through the tough times.

A counselor or therapist just for you might be helpful as well. I know how the abuse can hurt for so long because I've been there. The bruises go away, but everything else stays. Just remember that you aren't alone in this and try every avenue possible so you have no regrets in the past. Keep moving forward and I hope things get better for you!

Answer 3

Talk to your priest get closer to God and his word Pray and hope everything will work out for the better. Do you have proof of his cheating if not then it is wrong to assume. It sounds more like you have a problem with trust then anything else I think you must look at some of your own problems and maybe his are just a small part of it if he has been good for the last nine years and is a good father and the main provider then why are you scared. If you have a true problem there are many places for abused woman and there children to go to but really it doesn't sound like anything is going on at this moment the past yes. I think it would be a good idea to get of the house and finds a job. Sometimes doing something for yourself will make you happy and less depressed. It will also help out with the family budget and allow yourself some time on your own with out the kids.

Your miserable because you are dwelling on past issues get over it and live life in the present. Stop assuming your husband is cheating unless you have solid proof placing mistrust on your husband will just rip you apart.

Answer 4

No, do not leave. You've put 15 years under your belt, which you can never regain.

You should ALWAYS seek counseling before any such drastic changes in a relationship. From either a pastor or priest, but remember, most religious leaders are not professional counselors. They may or may not be able to help.

Since you mentioned it, it would definately benefit you to seek out a Christian counselor.

Also, throw out the "how can i leave" vocabulary. You won't get anywhere with anyone if you have already given up in your heart.

Understand, that any infidelity or abuse is RARELY one sided. Through seeing via honest eyes, most never realize that THEY played a major role in the other parnter's infidelity. In fact, in working with people, and in a LOT of cases, it was more at fault with the partner who remained faithful then the unfaithful one. True.

Regarding the physical, emotional and verbal, odds 10 to 1 that it is truthfully not accurate. If you search yourself, I'm confident you'll find yourself at 50% or more at fault in these items. Remember, it always takes two to tango. Both partners need to own up to being responsible for their part in each situation. Verbal and emotional abuse has been used and abused as excuses for taking responsiblity. Shouting, getting upset, hot headed, etc. are not abuses. They are immature arguements that escalated from misunderstandings, in which BOTH partners did not communicate properly, nor effectively.

You need to take the responsibility for your own actions and be a mature individual and get the help for both you and your husband, and especially your marriage.

Your kids need that.

Make it work

Answer 5

You are a young woman still and I can see that you are missing a very important stage in human development and that is independence. You have come from home to being a mother and a homemaker and have no other accomplishment on your. I can see that you can feel that something is missing in your life... and that is what most yound adults have already experienced in their life: standing on their own feet, party wildly, have a job, a dorm room, go to college etc... you missed out all the fun.

I see that perhaps you are wondering how your life have been if you have not marry him that young. Perhaps you see your peers and see all that you have missed. I sounds to me like a middle life crises... it happens to everyone, and yes, you need counselling.

I wouldn;t want you to act on tjose impulses as you have a lot at stake. You have a drame-free marriage for a while and two wonderful children and a fully furnished home... so what's missing??? I will tell you the answer: is YOU that you are missing.

My suggestion to you is to reconnect t who you are. Think about what do you want in your life in addition to be a mother and a wife. Go back to school and geta dregree, get a part time job, volunteer, go to the gym, run a marathon, go back to paiting, or playing an instrument... what ever you used to enjoy pre-husband and kids.

Get a new wardrobe, a new hairstyle, go on a back packing adventure. Take some eveneing college classes, start a bussiness.... do something that will inspire you.

If counselling and soul seaching fails and you really do want a divorce, then start by getting back on track on a career and a job. Stand on yoru own feetm, yes is possible! You will have to cut back on yoru lifestyle, but the independce and freedom that you feel once you do not depend on anyone is priceless.


Good luck

Answer 6

Definitely seek counseling, immediately.

It's understandable that you feel powerless - you've spent your whole life dependant on other people, with no way to development your skills or your self.
The good news is you can change that. Start small - take a class at the local rec center, any subject you're interested in. Learn a skill - how to dance salsa, speak a foreign language, piece together a stained glass window, basic accounting, anything. Check out books from your local library to deepen your knowledge of the subject.
Then try to branch out to the workforce. Volunteer or get a part-time job, just a few hours a week, to learn how to do a job that interests you - greeter at the hospital, stacking shelves at the library, receptionist at a business, whatever.
Once you've started to create a unique self, with skills and interests beyond your home, you'll feel a lot better. You won't be so scared about the idea of being on your own, because you'll have something to fall back on. Then you'll be able to make the decision to stay with him or leave him - based on your strengths, not your fears.

Answer 7

It's easy for people to tell you to up and leave. It's much much harder to actually do it. What I suggest you do is this:
1. Realize that people make mistakes and forgive him for cheating. (I did and it's worked wonders)
2. Don't be afraid he'll cheat again.... if he does, he does... no use worrying about it. If he does cheat again, prepare yourself to leave by finding a good divorce lawyer. If you play your cards right he will have to pay for it, child support, the house you live in, and alimony.
3. If there is still physical abuse, leave immediately. I'm sure you have at least one friend who can help. Then call the police to have a restraining order issued, THEN call the divorce lawyer.
4. A priest will only try to convince you to stay together. remember that. That is his JOB. If you do want counseling, I suggest going to a real marriage counselor, not someone who has their own self interest in keeping you together. Most insurance covers counseling of some sort - look into what your's covers.
5. Remember that YOU are number ONE. Be strong!

Answer 8

You had your son at 20 and you are in a relationship over 15 years so you have to be at least 37 how is it possible women go through life and don't learn anything? Are women blind or do they just lie to themselves?!?!? Before you make anymore choices in life here are a few facts of life you have obviously not learned yet for whatever reason:

1. There is no Santa
2. All men cheat, almost all women cheat
3. Marriage sucks
4. Everyone lies (you even lie to yourself)
5. Life is not fair

Good luck and Happy Holidays. You don't need counseling or a priest you just need to have some coffee, wake up and deal with reality. Email me if you want honest answers from a man that doesn't lie anymore and I'm in a mess because of it.

Answer 9

1. Find out if you have a woman's shelter near where you live. Moving there will help you develop some thinking and clearing time for yourself and your children. They,too, will be able to talk to other children and not feel so alone with their own issues. You'll get counseling there, and you'll be kept safe from your husbands abusive nature.

2. It takes two to tango. So, you have no control over what your husband does. He is an adult with issues. You are an adult with issues. You need to decide from the adult part of you that you need to move into a safe place, and with the help of a shelter or the police to move you to a place of safety, you can do that.

3. Counseling only helps when both are actively involved. If your husband doesn't want to do it, or if he goes resentfully to those meetings, he could take it out on you.

4. Your fear is blocking your common sense and protective need to keep your children safe.

THAT IS YOUR MAIN RESPONSIBILITY. Those children are being raised by what they see, hear, and go through that you'll never knew about. Do you want them to grow up like him? Or, you?

You don't have to answer any of this to me. You need to listen to the God of your understanding, get help, and bring out that protective nature towards your children.

If your husband wants his family back, he'll go through the process in his own time and maybe in the future you can get back together again. My best hunch is that he'll miss the kids more than he will you and that could trigger changes in him, but don't hold your breath for that and stay in the relationship. You must survive for those kids.

Answer 10

Start with some counseling !! Perhaps your marriage can be salvaged. Infidelity is a bitter pill to shallow, and the "taste" never goes away. BUt it obviously still bothers you (as to be expected) and it sounds like his past treatment of you has been unacceptable to say the least. I think you deserve to be happy, and if counseling helps you should do it. If you go to counseling and still feel the same, then it's time for you to consider other alternatives. No one should feel trapped, or feel like the have to "settle" for or in a bad relationship. You wouldn't want your kids doing that right? You want them to be happy. They want their mom to be happy too!! You do deserve the happiness you are seeking!!! good luck !!!

Answer 11

first off get urself a job once u do that u will see that u dont have to live with someone u can take care of urself ur children sound like they are old enough to take care of themselves after school and stuff so get a job and then see how u feel and also the whole custody thing the kids might be old enough to say who they want to live with