How do I get a cork out of my rear?

Question

I fell on a wine bottle, it went up my butt.(it hurt this is not funny) Now the cork is stuck up there. What do I do?

Never Mind It fell out when I was walking up the stairs. Thanks to all that were serious & F all the JOKERS!! And I DID FALL ON THE BOTTLE PEOPLE!!!

Answer 1

Go to the Emergency room.....

Answer 2

I see you are in quite a predicament. As this could become potentially harmful if not taken care of soon, I will type swiftly.

First things first. In order to remove something we must first understand it. Let's get started.

The word CORK originated from the Latin Quercus, which means any method of searching for oil based on a limited knowledge of wildcats. Quercus, or modern day Cork, is mainly harvested from the year 1965 when conditions for developing a kind of super-cork were at a 100 year peak. Let's hope the bottle containing the cork you fell on is NOT from the year 1965. If this is the case, it will be discussed later.

Now that we are familiar with Cork, let us put the fact that you fell on the bottle "behind" us, and get to the removal process.

Material List:
1 Wine glass
1 Uncoated Corrugated Cardboard box
3 dead watch batteries
1 copy of An Introduction to Probability and Random Processes textbook ( this is VERY IMPORTANT, THIS PROCESS WILL NOT WORK IF YOU DO NOT HAVE THIS BOOK!)
and 1 8oz bottle of whiteout.

First, break off the top 5 inches of the wine bottle, Take the bottle of wine and pour yourself a glass. No reason to waste good wine right?

Now take the remaining bottle with your left hand, the whiteout with your right hand and the three dead watch batteries with you daft hand and set the bottle on the cardboard box. Begin covering the label of the bottle with white out until it's ridiculing stares are covered by layer after layer of liquid white justice.

While it dries to a snowy white sheen we can start on step two. Take the Introduction to Probability and Random Processes textbook and begin reading it furiously out loud. This step works particularly well if you are in a heavily trafficked area, such as a shopping mall, or Germany. In any case, it is a well known fact that Cork is allergic to Probability and Random Processes. It will begin to work loose, you will feel it losing its grip, desperately trying to deny the absolute truth of Probability and Random Processes. Unless, it is super-cork from 1965. Oh no? Is it? We forgot to look at that darn label before layering its filthy glares with 8 ounces of white out!

Ok, go back to the freshly coated, extremely white broken half empty wine bottle. Carefully scratch back layer after layer with the dead watch batteries until you see the date. Once the date is seen, all should be well.

Hope this helps!!!

Regards.

Answer 3

I've heard some really weird sexual 911 situations before especially getting things stuck up the @ss - dildos, vibrating vibrators, even vegetables. I don't buy that you fell on a wine bottle. That just doesn't happen guy. Why don't you own up to putting it there yourself.

If it doesn't pass on it's own you will need a trip to the ER. Maybe the embarassment will keep you from sticking wine bottles up your @ss in the future. Next time try a ********* duffus!

VB8

Answer 4

Oh, come on it is a little bit funny! Perhaps not now, but someday you'll look back and laugh. How did you "fall onawine bottle." Hmmmm. That's the part of this story I'm not buying. However you got it up there, you will need help removing it. Go to the hospital. But be prepared for them to find it a little bit funny.

Answer 5

Either you drink very small bottles of wine, or you have the biggest ears I've ever seen. If your ears are that big, try using a corkscrew to remove it. If it's a small cork, go to the doctor, dumb ***!

Answer 6

Hopefully the bottle isn't still attatched to the cork, it'd be kinda tough to sit down, huh! I always threaten to cork my hubbies butt when he farts, and now I must ask you... does it prevent farts from coming out? Please let me know so i can utilize this information more efficiently. I'm sure women all over the globe would find this helpful. It could be a new marketing idea.. and very useful household tool. Thanks, and I do hope you find a way to 'uncork' yourself.

Answer 7

You can attempt to have a bowel movement or take laxatives to induce one, but if that doesn't work you will have to visit an emergency room. Foreign objects that are inserted far enough to be behind your pelvic bone may have to be removed by surgery.

I know it is embarrassing, but for goodness sake please do not just leave it there. I have seen this more than once myself working in an emergency room. (Not a cork, but other items... you get the idea). You are not alone.

Answer 8

OMG!!!You could use a standard cork puller, but be very careful. If I had that kind of a problem I would take some laxatives and warn all my friends to stand back!

Answer 9

Eat a meal of fibre and beans. The methane produced should be strong enough to send the cork flying.
(caution) stay away from any open flames.

Answer 10

Your best bet would be to go to the emergency room if ylou can't get an immediate appointment with your doctor because you could have some damage.

Answer 11

You need a doctor. Go to the ER or urgent care if you can't get a quick appointment. You need to go now because you should have been able to "work" it out of there on your own by now.