'Utopia'
There,
The not-place,
Island of ideals, paradise perfection,
Where,
In fields of gold,
Life is peace and earth is free;
There,
Pure harmony,
No suffering, and eternal youth.
Here?
The ill-place
Ideals exist, alongside us:
The destruction factor.
i'd just like your thoughts on this one - what does it make you think (first impressions)? how can i improve it? this is only a first draft, and i am reworking it as you read this line, but i am open to suggestions. =]
2007-11-27 04:10:16 · 8 answers · asked by kleptomanic sheep 5 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
hmm...i only put 'ill-place' there because it's the literal translation of dystopia, like 'not-place' is a literal translation of utopia.
i like the idea of sensory description of the dystopia, but i'd have to think how i'd work it. thanks everyone so far.
2007-11-27 04:48:32 · update #1
I like the concept. You'll adjust the words and phrasing to best suit your vision, but I think you've got your poem.
Just one thought, if you want some balance, I notice you touch on one sense (sight) in the nice place "fields of gold"; you may wish to include a sensory description of the "ill-place" as well?
Anyway, good stuff :)
2007-11-27 04:37:05 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like everything very much until the end. I feel that you need to expand on the "ill-place" like you expanded on the not-place. I also like the way you used "not-place and ill-place" in lue of Utopia and distopia because these terms are over used and your terms are more provocative. My only suggestion is that you give us more information about the ill-place. Nice work
2007-11-27 05:12:20 · answer #2 · answered by Sptfyr 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There,
is the place,
" ' ', perfection in paradise....
''''''''''
''''''''freedom is life and peaceful the earth.
''''''''
No more suffering just an eternity of youth.
'""""
The place of evil
idealistic and poison
A factor in our destruction.
I like the way you set it up.
It made me think how wonderful it could really be, if only there wasn't so much corruption in our world..
2007-11-27 04:38:43 · answer #3 · answered by doclakewrite 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's a bit grim & depressing - the line 'the ill-place' doesn't sound right to me.
2007-11-27 04:19:37 · answer #4 · answered by Pepper of the Moon 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it
2007-11-27 04:22:39 · answer #5 · answered by MrMan 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its beautiful it brings tears to my eyes,was it bout heaven?if so cool!!
2007-11-27 04:52:10 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
it's better than the ones ive written
" "
~
2007-11-27 04:18:29 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
How do we get to Utopia?
2007-11-27 05:09:46 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋