Should I ask my girlfriend about the terms of her divorce?

Question

I am 41, she is 44. Both of us are divorced with kids from previous marriage. She told me that her husband "dumped her" after 22 years of marriage. She is also very private about what kind of property settlements she got (money issues). She lives very well on a teacher's income, so I know something more happened. My family is fairly affluent. She never makes the first move on anything, except on "i love yous" and wanting to talk about "future" and marriage. We've only been together for 2 months. (But that's quite a long time for people our age and we have spent a lot of time together). I recently dug into the courthouse papers and found that SHE was the petitioner on her divorce, not her ex. However, she may have had no choice but to file against him since he was out of the state at the time and she probably needed $$ help. Maybe that's why she is the one that filed. It just bugs me. What should I do? Does this smell like true love or someone who may be after $$?

Answer 1

It's none of your business. If she wants to share, so be it.

Answer 2

How do you figure 2 months is a lot of time at 41 years of age? If you are having doubts and questions now, can you imagine getting married and then finding out some bad details? Maybe her husband "dumped" her because of her actions. Dating is a time to get to know each other. Maybe she isn't ready to discuss something this personal with someone she has known for only two months, but if she won't talk to you about it after six months, move on.

If you are really concerned about whether she is interested in your money, hire a PI to get the public information and do a background check. A little money spent now can prevent a lot of heartache later. He can even interview the ex if you are willing to spend the money; that could give you an insight into her motives.

Answer 3

If she's the one that filed maybe she was getting out of a domestic violence relationship. It's usually the women that file for divorce in almost all cases. For 22 yrs she had to put up with his S--t, maybe that why she asked for almony. Maybe the judge found out that she was going back to school and the marriage interrupted her life and career. Bring up the past will only hurt your relationship. It best to go on with your life and let by gone be by gone. If she after your money, you should know soon enough when she ask for a loan. Not $20, but in the thousands. Also, you cannot find true love in two months. give it some time and check out her friends (they usually know more about her pass and how she is with you). If you got awhole of the Complaint for divorce, then you should be able to get her divorce decree which spells out everything. mainly the grounds for divorce, property she was awarded, how much for almony, child support, retirement, insurance and debts she has to pay.

Answer 4

Wow, if I were her, I would be horribly offended if you went behind my back sniffing out the court papers on my divorce that I had told you I didn't want to talk about.

If you're concerned about money issues, then IF you decide to marry her, sign a prenuptual agreement that will protect your assets. You would also want to sign a will that in the event of your death, your assets would go to your children, or whoever you wanted to have them. As long as you don't co-mingle your funds right now, what difference does her property settlement from her divorce matter to you? And, before getting into a situation where you 2 would be co-mingling your funds, I'd seek the advise of a good financial planner, familiar with divorce situations.

If you can't trust her feelings for you, I'd reccommend you seek counseling. You've only been with her for 2 months, it's very premature to be discussing marriage at this point. I would be taking things slow and easy in this new relationship. Good luck!

Answer 5

I disagree with the above post that it is not your business if you are considering getting married.

While it is true that you're not a spring chicken, you're never to old to be a bit cautous about such a life affecting decision. What's the hurry to get remarried? Why not see where it goes? Take your time and REALLY get to know this person.

If you're really this concerned, and it looks like you've done some checking already, why not get an investigator to get you more info on her? There must be more docs filed with the court, and there must be other info you can gather.

However, you may consider this a bit of a breach of trust...that's a personal issue you'll need to deal wtih.

Again, this is a life affecting decision (to get married again) so proceed with caution. There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself. Think long and hard about someone who is that secrective.

Answer 6

If you 2 are serious there is nothing wrong with asking questions. My husband was divorced and when we got serious he even pulled out his papers, gave me his sisters phone numbers and had everything like an open book. When you love someone you get to know them and trust them but it goes both ways
It is just common sense to be careful + she was the petitioner and the fact is you do have money.
You want love, 2 months is honestly not that long to REALLY know a person and you don't want to get hurt and cheated.
It sounds like you have your head on your shoulders and I hope you stick to your common sense, just keep listening to your gut feeling :)
Ask questions, take your time and if there is nothing to hide then she won't try to cover things up.

Good luck!!!

Answer 7

I think you should date her for a bit longer before even considering marriage or taking the relationship to the next step. You should also approach her (after a few more months of dating) about the terms of her divorce. If she's very private and continues to push for marriage, then ask her to sign a pre-nup. Tell her that you need to be honest and open with one another if you are to share your lives together. If she's not after the money, then it'll be no problem. If she's after the money, she'll freak out and accuse you of not trusting her. Based on her response, I think you'll know what to do next.

Good luck!

Answer 8

Two months is two months, and it's not long enough to base the rest of your life on. That's one reason why there are so many divorces. "(But that's quite a long time for people our age and we have spent a lot of time together)." How old do you think you are... 103?? Sounds like you're trying to rush to the alter before you kick the bucket!

I don't know how long you've been divorced, but it sounds like your feelings are still too raw for you to think about marriage. You don't trust her, you're checking up on her, and it sounds like you are looking for reasons not to trust her.

I say that my husband "dumped me", and I said it while we were still living together because I knew he had a girlfriend. If your spouse prefers someone else to you, you've been dumped; and I filed for a divorce because he didn't want one, but wasn't willing to turn his girlfriend loose either. Dumped is dumped; no matter what the papers say.

Please search yourself and see if you are still too hurt for a serious relationship with ANYONE. Don't get serious with her while you have suspicions, whether earned or not, against her.

Answer 9

being together for 2 months is not very long no matter how old you are. you can not possibly know a person that well after being with them for 2 months. it takes time. so why can't you trust her until she gives you a reason not to trust her. i think it's shady you went behind her back and looked into her business.

sounds like you need to trust her and she needs to slow her roll with the marriage talk. is she talking about the two of you getting married or just that marriage is in her future. because those are 2 different things.

wait until she is ready to talk to you about her divorce. there could be things you can't read on paper. so just slow down. you shouldn't be in such a rush, and trust the women. and keep your money to yourself!!!

Answer 10

2 months is not a very long time even for people your age. Don't rush into anything. I've been dating my gf for more than 6 months. We are great together and never argue blah blah blah. My point is we don't claim love yet because both of us realize it takes time to get to know the real person.
If you want to know about something then just ask her about it. If you take the time to get to know her you will easily figure out if she wants you for you or you for your family money.

Answer 11

Wow. So there IS a downside to having wealth - you become suspicious of anyone you are involved with, thinking that it really is your money that they are after.

Aside from that, though - it is always best to put one's financial cards on the table - ALL of them - prior to marriage. When your soon-to-be spouse hides money matters from you, it is an unsettling thing indeed - and not good for trust in the relationship.

Unlike another comment on here, it actually IS your business, if you marry the woman - not only because you question the reasons for her being with you - but also because when you marry, you also become partly responsible for your spouse's debts.