how did your marriage change after having your first baby? how do you keep it strong?

Question

my husband & i will be married only a year this december, and only together 2 yrs. we're expecting our first baby ( a little girl! ) around the end of Feb.

i'm worried that things will change for the worse. we've had some tough times. we kinda rushed into things, but we're determined to make it work because we love each other dearly. (it's just a matter of fine tuning our communication styles, really, which we've had some progress with)...

the thing is, i'm worried about what adding a baby might do to us... kids are so demanding, and so is a marriage (esp one so new & needing a bit of work)

how did your marriage change after having your baby?
how did you keep it strong?
do you have any advise?

thanks!

Answer 1

A baby wasn;t stressfull in our marriage, We did too had tought times at the beginning like any other newlywed, but having the baby home was beautiful. We fell in love with our son and adjusted very quckly and he was such a good baby anyway. The advice that I give you for a sucessful marriage after a baby is:

-Get some help. Have you mom or his mom help with the baby the first days, You will be tired, sore and exhauted and grandmas LOVE to help out.

-Bond with the baby. Let him help you out with the infant. Do not MAKE him do it, it will happen naturally and you will fall in love with yoru husband AGAIN once you see him all goo goo gagag over the baby. It's a lovely experience.

-Socialize. Do not simply stop your life. New paretsn tend to do this and isolate themselves from teh world. This can set tensions high in the home. Venture out, go on a stroller ride, entretain at home.

- Relationship. After a baby, you WILL feel that the baby is the center of the world, thus, is common for spouses to "neglect" their husbands. I know that you hands will be full, but take time to compliment, caress and love your husband too.

_Date yoru man, New mothers tend to forget that they are wives, because being mother takes priority. New mpthers are very protective of their babies and will not trust anyone with them. After you feel comfortable and the baby has reach an appropiate age, leave the baby with a relative or trained babysitter so you can go out with yoru husband. This can take time as you will both be thinking about the baby and want to rush back home, but once in a while is OK to go out as a couple alone.

- Physical relatioship,. It will take some weeks before you can have intercourse again, but as soon as the docter giove syou the OK, do not neglect yoru husband in that aspect. Some men say that after having a baby their wives do not want to have s ex anymorem so please do no become one of those.

-Phyque. Women that give brth change in theior psyche as maternal instinct takes over. You body and your mind will change as that's simply nature taking it's course, but men in the other hand remain the same. You will feel isolated at time and you will feel that your husband is not doing enough as you will be the prumary care provider of the infact and you will be tired and will neglect yoruself, but your man will be the same, gouing to work at the same hour etc... so please, know that is YOU the one that will change and will have to learn to adapt to the new changes and so does he. CVommunication is key.

-Execise. after having a baby you will have extra pounds. Exercise and you will regain your pre-baby figure and feel much more confident about yrouself and yoru relationship.

Good luck

Answer 2

I agree with the second answerer - it will only get tougher if things are already tough.

I'm a mother of four and I can assure you that it's not easy being a mom but it's definitely worth it in the long-run.

Sure, my marriage changed after having my first daughter but it changed for the better, not for the worse. My husband and I love children (and each other) very dearly and this is why we decided to have children.

There was no need to consciously try to keep our marriage strong because that's exactly what happened when Tessa was born -- our marriage became stronger. Our daughter brought us even closer.

Then after Tessa came Lily, John and Ella -- this brought us together so very much, as you can imagine. It's hard raising one child let alone four so we've really learned to cooperate and compromise with each other. This was something that was hard for us before we had our children.

The only advice I can give is to be the best mother you can be. Like I said, don't consciously try to keep your marriage strong because if you truly love each other like you say you do, this baby should bring nothing but joy, happiness, and love.

I wish you and your husband the best of luck.

xXo

Answer 3

My marriage was over sexually when we had kids. We rarely have sex, once or twice a month. We have two kids almost 7 and 3. She just never wants it, or isn't interested in me in that way and won't tell me. From my standpoint, it causes constant stress for me. I want it, she doesn't. She gets it when she is in the mood, and I am told I am a perv because I want it all the time. It wasn't like this before kids. We have done counseling, helped for a few weeks. I am not saying this will happen to you. The rest of our relationship is good. It has helped that she cut her hair really short, I hate it, I don't really have much of a desire for her anymore. Marriage is a lot of work...on both sides. You MUST keep the communication open. Make sure you still take time for each other. Things have changed, but not in a bad way. Remember how it was. Take the time to keep it fresh. Do little great things for each other. Make each other feel special.

Answer 4

There's a lot of sound advice already and there's no simple answer to your question. I'll just add this: find an equitable split between the two of you for baby care. There are times one parent is simply burned out and in need of some downtime, and the other needs to pick up the slack. No one gets to duck out on dirty diapers or staying up late rocking or whatever the baby's demand is, no ducking ALL THE TIME. (Obviously nursing is your thing, but it's okay to nurse, hand baby to daddy for burp work, and you go back to sleep, as one example.) When you both invest fair time into baby care, that minimizes potential resentment or thinking that one has to do too much.

Answer 5

“Remember that a successful marriage depends on two things: (1) finding the right person and (2) being the right person.”

“The worst problems for children stem from parental conflict, before, during, and after divorce or within marriage.”

Above all marriage is about communication. This exercise gives you a chance to see the strengths of your marriage by comparing yourselves to other couples in your lives.

1. Each of you jot down the names of four different couples you both know. Two should be examples of "bad" marriages; two of "good" marriages.

2. Now share the names with one another and tell why you feel the good marriages work and the bad marriages don't. Perhaps you admire how one couple is raising their children, or you disapprove of the way another couple berates one another in front of company.

3. Talk about your own marriage in relation to these good and bad marriages. Compare the way you and your spouse manage to get through difficult times with the way each of these couples handle their challenges. Can you identify behaviors you want to avoid? Are there things you'd like to emulate?

4. Talk about your own ability as a couple to overcome hardship. Have you weathered episodes or incidents of which you're particularly proud? If so, how did you do it?

http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=34927

Answer 6

Every marriage will change with the addition of a baby--there's no way around it. In my case, I went from being a full time career woman to a stay at home mom. My husband had added pressures of suddenly being the sole provider for our family. I had a difficult time adjusting to my new role in life, and used quite a bit of retail therapy (which was NOT a good idea). We eventually wound up in counseling, which saved our marriage. I learned that I had to have other outlets besides my husband, I couldn't depend on him for 100% of my emotional support. He learned that being a workaholic wasn't really going to solve our financial difficulties--and would probably make them worse.

Our children are now 17 and 13--our oldest is a senior in high school and preparing to go to college in August. We both feel we have a better marriage now than ever. Some things we both do to keep our marriage strong are:

Have a weekly date together. Even if it's a 1/2 hour lunch while babies were napping, we make it a point to spend time together at least once a week. Just the 2 of us, no kids allowed.

We TRY (not always successfully) to take a trip with just the 2 of us once a year. Even if it's just a weekend trip to Chicago (we live in KC), we'll do it.

We also try to always present a united front to our children. As your children get older, they'll try to get around the tougher parent (in our house, me) and get the soft touch (dad) to give them what they want. Agree before your child is born that you guys will always consult on these issues will save ALOT of arguements between you 2 in the future. It won't matter if you're right because you told your daughter that she couldn't wear the purple dress to her friend's party--if dad told her she could--you've got problems!

And my last piece of advice is: Make time for YOU!! Just because you're a mother doesn't mean you lose your identity and who you are. Remember, you were your husband's wife LONG before you were your daughter's mother, and she'll move away (quicker than you know it) and it will be just you and your husband when your children have left. Make time to do things that YOU enjoy, and allow your husband time to do things that he enjoys. Trust me, there will be a point in the not so distant future, when you'd love to just be able to go to the bathroom by yourself, so you literally have to force yourself to do this, but your family will thank you if you do. As it was explained to me, you are a checking account. Your husband, children and job are all writing checks from the account, but it's your job to make the deposits. If you don't, eventually someone's check will bounce, and that's never pretty when that happens.

Best of luck to you and your family! Enjoy your new little one, they certainly don't stay that way for long!!

Answer 7

It just gets harder after the baby arrives- for the first year or so anyway. BUT, the bond between you & your husband will be stronger than ever. I think a new marriage, alone (w/o a child) is a lot of work b/c you are still learning what makes the other tick. Add any kind of stress at all & that just makes it worse. It will be fine though, you will survive & your relationship will be stronger than ever. : )

Answer 8

The best advice I can give you and believe me I have had to learn from experience....is that your husband and your relationship has to always come first before any one or any thing else. Your marriage and that relationship is the foundation to your family. Never let your husband feel he is playing second fiddle to anyone. Very important. If your child needs you and your husband simply wants you, you take care of the child and reversed as well. For instance, yesterday my husband had had a very stressful day at work and needed to talk about his day, my daughter wanted me to come into her room and help her hang some pictures....I told her to wait and I spent all of the time that my husband needed with him. Always make him feel loved, occasionally give him an Oscar winning performance of your undying love for him....you will fair well this way.

Answer 9

Just make sure your husband gets laid and also don't let yourself go. The truth of the matter is I hear from husband's all the time that they are not happy with the way their wife looks after having a baby so make time to take care of yourself.

Also, make sure to make alone time where the two of you get out and leave the baby with a babysitter and go to dinner and movie. You MUST make time for each other by going on dates.

Answer 10

Our marriage did change after the baby (our first one), because I allowed it to. I was sooo focused on being a mommy I forgot who I was and what my husband meant to me. I got pregnant right after my daughter was born but it resulted in a miscarriage @ 20 wks and that literally destroyed it. We fought like crazy and hated each other. In between the babies we had job losses, family loss and a lot of other stresses so it didn't help us b/c we were on our own a lot of the time and lost focus.

Things can change but make sure it's for the better, it's so easy to get lost but it's important to get back on track and remember what's important. It was the birth of my final child that we both got back on track and for the past 3 yrs we're better than we were when we first met, in fact we're more in love now than we were before kids.

Challenges can weaken you or strengthen you, we might of had our weak moments but we're stronger now b/c of it.