*****
Obsidian
Dry grass rustles, dampening senses,
Ears twitch at every snapped twig.
Resting in rows, leery of hunters
Bow and arrow, deadly silence.
Send the fawns scurrying.
There, in the corm, thinly disguised,
See the gleam in his eyes.
Whispering chert,
Strikes and burrows.
Stagger away, to the forest.
Who are these new predators on this land,
These uprights, this carnivorous man?
*****
2007-11-27 02:26:20 · 19 answers · asked by TD Euwaite? 6 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Shazam Shaizun, you sure is smart, for a caucasian...yes, everyone struggles with 'snapped' instead of 'snapping'...'chert' is a change, replacing the title word 'obsidian'...yes I writ this my very self. I hope this info helps you with your rehab...crack is a terrible thing to waste...
2007-11-27 03:14:18 · update #1
Yes, TD - but I can't decide which I enjoy more. The poem or the rebuttal.
2007-11-27 03:21:47 · answer #1 · answered by Marguerite 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Wow T.D. This is a great poem and i love how you described the rustles in the grass ; and bows and arrows getting the fawns running; it feels like you can almost see the little fawns' and the enemy' man... You are so right man is the new predator in the forest.This is why you are such a great writer of books and poetry' you know how to work it' and get the reader involved just as i am now.....wonderful job.
2007-11-27 12:26:40 · answer #2 · answered by Cami lives 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It starts okay, but becomes pretentious with the use of words like "leery", "corm", and "chert", the latter two of which, for most people, makes as much sense as the fictional words used in Lewis Carroll's "Jabberwocky".
Also, the point-of-view is muddled, with a third-person view in the first few lines, changing to a first-person view in the subsequent lines.
Overall, the poem is too "cutesy", and reminds me of Carl Sandburg's "The Fog"; at least his poem's point-of-view is consistent.
So, "no", I don't like the poem. You asked!
P.S. Out of curiosity, did you write it or did a computer do it?
2007-11-27 11:03:44 · answer #3 · answered by skaizun 6 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Well, it comes as no surprise to me that I like this one too. Good imagry, telling words, great flow. I personally don't have a problem with your point of view and it's hardly pretentious. Once again you've produced a very nice piece of work.
2007-11-27 13:44:02 · answer #4 · answered by Sptfyr 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I like the poem for many reasons.First it is free verse if a poem rhymes it normally seems childish. Secondly I like the way you make the reader feel as though they are seeing these hunters in action and feeling what you have described.
2007-11-27 14:00:52 · answer #5 · answered by exigomaster 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes and it's so true where I live. They have no where to go. Man has completely invaded their territory around here! It makes me sort of sad.
2007-11-27 10:43:43 · answer #6 · answered by ? 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
why do you listen to freckers that don't have an ounce of poetic intuition, a real poet can write mumbo jumbo and make it sound fantastic, you are a poet and everything you write comes out fantastic.
2007-11-27 11:32:26 · answer #7 · answered by HEARTBOUND♥ 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Very nice T.D. Lovely imagery and your choice of wording was fantastic. Loved it.
2007-11-27 14:02:42 · answer #8 · answered by The Dark Prince 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Extraordinarily picturesque.
2007-11-27 12:30:44 · answer #9 · answered by Semp-listic! 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I like it. Fits the season.
2007-11-27 10:33:56 · answer #10 · answered by 2gadoo 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋