Newlywed question? Insecure wife plus husband with anger management issues.?

Question

In summary, she is insecure and I have anger management issues (but I am never angry unless she makes me)...

My wife and I have been married for 6 months. In August, I called the cops on her because she kept slitting her wrists with knives. It was bad. She got arrested for domestic violenece. After this I wanted to divorce her, but I decided to man up and work things out. Things have been going well. We've seeked professional counseling and have been attending church regularly. She started taking prozac. Everything was going well and her insecurities were practically eliminated.

Now she is off prozac because we have better sex when not taking it. Everynow and then my wife gets really insecure and it causes me to go ballistic. I start throwing things and yelling at the top of my lungs, but I never hit her. Her insecurities makes me go nuts. How can I handle situations like this better? What can I do to prevent me from going nuts?

let me add something... I would never do anything to hurt her. There is no alcohol, drugs, porn addictions, infidelity nor other women in my life to make her insecure. I work with all men... mostly

when she is insecure, she says something similar to the following:

1) when you cheat on me and leave me, blah blah blah

2) that girl was staring at you (even though I am not attractive and I don't stare back).

Answer 1

Dr. S. you could certainly benefit from some anger management or anger control counselling. If you continue to blow your lid like this all the time it is only going to make your wife's insecurities multiply and make things worse I would imagine. There are lots of people trained to help others with their anger issues and it would be of benefit to you both if you were to seek out help in this area. Also if your wife is better on the prozac then perhaps she needs to continue taking it even if it does make your sex life less adventurous and fun, in time it will (or should) return to normal once she has become used to taking this medication. Best of luck.

Answer 2

Well, you'd better work on your own issues first,
because you can't make her into what you want her to
be like & that's why you flip out.

She's obviously got some sort of 'chemical imbalance'
in her brain, either bipolar or severe (incurable but treatable)
depression.
Anxiety and horrible self-image go hand-in-hand with mental issues.
It also sounds to me like she has gone to a dr that is basically
unfamiliar with the many types of anti-depressants availabe
these days and is uniformly prescribing prozac.
I'd get her going to a knowlegable therapist who can also prescribe meds, and try citalopram, bupropion, a combination of meds, whatever.
There are so many great meds available today- the stuff
saved my life and made it worth living. Unfortunately there
are sexual side effects with most of these meds.
Another thing that might happen if/when she gets the correct
meds and finds a doseage that works for her (she may have to take them the rest of her life, like I do) she could very well
decide verbal and eventually physical abuse (sounds like it won't be long) ) isn't
something she should put up with, especially if she commits
to putting her mental health as her highest priority, as I have.
No smoking, drinking (esp. with the meds) or drugs.
And most important- no one abusive in any way has a place
in her life- she's like me, she can hurt herself plenty without
your "help".
Fix yourself. Put her on the right path. Niether of you are in
any shape to commit to a relationship- that's putting the cart before the horse.
Good Luck.

Answer 3

Wow....we're very much alike. Unfortunately, I'm Divorced now. Don't let that fact sway your decision either way. I wouldn't wish Divorce on ANYONE.

The first thing you need to do is ask yourself why you got married in the first place. Without seeming naive, I have to assume that it was love. Why is she insecure? Do you spend enough time together? Quality time...like one-on-one dinners, movies, walks in the park, etc.

My Ex took Prozac (amongst other similar drugs). But, she had deeper issues that went back far before we met. Unfortunately, she just couldn't overcome those things. We tried counseling but alcohol took over her life. We then tried AA, more counseling and church. But, that didn't work either. It impacted the kids (4, 6 and 8) and I had to look out for their best interest by getting them out of an unhealthy family situation. She's now pregnant and with her boyfriend (of which she had an affair with). I'm happy but also sad because it didn't work out. The moral of the story (yes...there's a moral here) is that you have to try and work things out because you made a commitment to each other. It took me two years before I had to give up. Keep working with her and spend as much time as you can with her. But, you have to realize that you can't make someone change if they don't want to change. If it comes to that....let her go. Hopefully, you won't have more important dependencies....like kids.

Answer 4

It sounds like she needs to stay on her meds. You may be having better sex without them, but it's also making you feel insecure about what she might be capable of doing to herself. You are probably feeling fear and that is making you angry towards her. Stay in counseling and church and make sure she stays on her meds. You can still have a good sex life, but you may have to try a little harder for her to get in the mood. If she suffers from a mental illness, you don't need to go ballistic on her. It's going to take some patience on your part. She also has ownership in this. She needs to stay in counseling, stay on her meds, and deal with why she feels insecure. Counseling should help her with that. She's not a psycho just because she may have a mental illness. Mental illnesses can be controlled and she can live a normal, happy life.

Answer 5

Better sex, or healthy wife? She has a problem because of the cutting incident. She should really stay on medication in my opinion. Her being insecure is not an issue with you, it's her. You can't change her mind no matter what you say. I would suggest going to see a therapist together. She needs to work out her problems. Good luck and I hope it works out.

Answer 6

What I don't know is why is she insecure? What does she say when she's feeling insecure? When did this insecurity start? I wish I could help. The first person I could think of is Dr. Laura, you know the popular radio marriage counselor? Go to her site before your marriage gets any worst at http://www.drlaura.com. Email her. She has helped hundreds if not thousands of married couples. I'm sure she could help you too. Good Luck!

Answer 7

she has problems, she needs a man who can understand them and help her, and i really don't think you're that guy.

however. there are other antidepressants besides prozac. i've been on many many MANY different ones, and each one can affect each person in a totally different way. try wellbutrin or another antidepressant with a low risk of sexual side affects; i'm no longer on this medication, but i found it to be better than most that i've been on.

now to handle the situation better, ask yourself: do you really think that yelling at her and going ballistic helps the situation?? next time she reveals her insecurities to you, why don't you try taking a couple breaths and saying something like, "honey, i don't know why you're insecure about this, but let me assure you that things are not the way you think they are." try using a calm, comforting tone of voice, and put yourself in a frame of mind where you can understand that she can't help how she feels. try taking counseling together AND separately. trust me, this can help.

Answer 8

Well, I myself am very insecure. The worst thing my husband could do to help me get over that is be aggressive or mean to me. I need reassurance and so does she. She has obviously been hurt badly. Did you know this going into the relationship? If so, then you took it on. Surely you didn't expect things to just go away when you put a ring on her finger. Insecurity has soooo many levels. Try nice things. Leave her little notes, flowers etc. in places where she will find them. Like in the dishwasher. Or her car. The shower. Try being more romantic and she, in my opinion, won't need medication. That is what helps me. And you'll get to enjoy drug free sex. (I know exactly what you are talking about there!) If you didn't know about the insecurity, shame on her for hiding it. That is like trapping. You should definitely stay in counseling. I will reccomend a book to you also. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Cuddle up and read it together. We would read a chapter before bed every night. And then talk a little about it before the "real" cuddling began! Just try to be more sensitive to what she is feeling. I know it is hard because my husband has to deal with me. I don't think anyone is as insecure as I am. He is as frustrated as you are, but just don't let it get out of control. I know for us, when I start feeling that way, he will gently talk to me, hug me, kiss me and I know inside his blood is boiling. He feels like he is paying for a crime he didn't commit. Just remember to try to be sweet and caring. That works wonders. I'll have a "spell" or whatever you want to call it. Depending on how he handles it, depends on how long it lasts and whether or not we fight or make love. I know it is a lot on your shoulders, but she needs to try to talk herself out of those thoughts as well. Being mean to her is only going to make her more insecure. You need to be a safety zone for her. And please get your anger in check! I hope this helps. Try being her hero instead of her judge. Good luck! Also, I was on several meds to try to help myself, including prozac, I am not a fan of being so quick to jump to pills. Some people need them, and some don't. Only you and her know the severity of the issues. Don't take something you don't need. If all she needs is love and support taking medication will only cause more problems.

Answer 9

The first thing you need to do is be positive that her never runs out of medication no matter what you have to do to accomplish this. Second of all while drug therapy is wonderful he will get a far better result if he also has counseling and this could include you as well.

Answer 10

If she does better on her prozac then she needs to get back on them. She can ask her dr. for something else to help out with the sex part. And just KEEP GOING TO YOUR counseling they also can help and keep going to church keep the faith going God,LOVES you both look to Him for help. I wish you both the best of luck.And glad to hear you don't do the things you say that has always made it harder to work out.When drugs, hitting, and all the other sh** .But instead of yelling walk away for 10mins. or so clam down then come back to talk if you can't walk away for a little longer then. But talk it out it's better then yelling at the top of your lungs you think.