It is now two years pasted that I found out that my wife was emotionally invloved with another guy. For the sake of our kids I accepted that this mistake will pass away.
However, I can't stop myself blaming her of this mistake.
I can't stay with her because of this mistake and can't leave her because of the kids.
What should I do???
2007-11-27 00:36:07 · 18 answers · asked by buhanak 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
If it has been two years and the pain has not gone away, you are unable to let it go. Forgiveness is the hardest thing we ever have to do since it involves giving up our pride and strong qualities - however if you make forgiveness a strong quality and learn how to let it go, you will then become stronger I feel. Good luck and do what is right for you, your wife and the kids.
2007-11-27 00:52:10 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I know that this isn't an easy thing that you're going through. But.... you are a real man in my book for staying and working on it for the kids'.
Now, we just have to figure out a way to get past the pain of her emotional affair. I suppose it'd be cliche' to point out that she did stay with you, as opposed to pursuing the other person. But its true. So maybe you can give her a bit of credit, you know?
The other thing to consider is that what you are doing now... carrying so much of the pain from the past, might be pushing her away again.... and then you get hurt because suddenly she's pulling away from you... when you are the one pulling away. Its a matter of perspective.... what you see and what she sees are two different things.
I would suggest that you tell yourself that you're going to spend the next month acting like you did before she wandered off emotionally.... or maybe you act BETTER than you did.... be attentive to her... do fun family things that give you all a chance to just be together. Go sledding if you live in snow.... go to the beach if its around.... go to the mountains. Spend a weekend in a hotel somewhere..... go and have fun. Re-connect with your wife before you lose everything that you're working SO hard to keep, bro.
Good luck to you both........... God bless....
2007-11-27 08:46:48 · answer #2 · answered by Aron1968_30 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You and only you are able to allow yourself to forgive and you have chosen not to do so. Sounds as if you are dwelling on this one incident and as long as you do so, you will never be able to forgive. Why not start enjoying this very moment and what you have right now instead of torturing yourself with the past; a past that won't change no matter how much you wish it to do so. Your ego is getting in the way of you ever having a loving relationship with your wife.
You say you accepted the mistake; that is not so or you would be able to move forward. If you can't allow this mistake to be a part of your past and are making it a part of your present relationship, then it is not doing any good for you to stay in your marriage. Ask yourself this question - What am I getting by dwelling on past mistakes? To forgive you must GIVE of yourself as you did beFORE.
I believe you do love this woman and she you, but it is your own unwillingness to move on that is creating heartache. Try starting the day being thankful for what you have and not concentrate of what once happened. Live in today, not yesterday; something you will never be able to change.
Good luck to you
2007-11-27 08:46:03 · answer #3 · answered by pussycat 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know counselling is pushed a lot on here, but seriously in this kind of situation it really is necessary. If you love you wife, then you should at least give it a shot. If you are only staying for the children, and you dont love her, then counselling wont work. Counselling will only work if you go in there with an open mind in the hope that your marriage will become solid. Counselling is a valuable tool in helping you to understand your wife and for her to understand you. A qualified counsellor can give you some great ideas how to bring your marriage back together again. There have been many couples who have gone to counselling who have come out of it stronger and more devoted to their marriage than ever. If there is only a little bit of love left, then counselling can work....but you need to be open to it.
2007-11-27 08:47:45 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stop the blaming - it amounts to torture and abuse - to her and yourself.
If you want to stay to have home for the kids - stop seeing your wife as your wife and move her into the "mother of my children" category. Deal with the mother of your children in a kind, respectful and "nice" manner.
It is of no use whatsoever to keep blaming her, bringing it up, etc. Tell her you cannot forgive and forget; however, for the kids sake, you will be a great father and a decent husband. Decent means no more blaming, arguing and dragging the whole thing back up. It means you move on with the mother of your children and focus on making your home as harmonious as possible so your kids do not grow up thinking to show love is to blame, attack or otherwise argue a dead horse to pieces.
You can do this... you have no wife anymore; however, you have the mother of your kids...
And in time, with a nice attitude, you'd be surprised as to what might still develop between the two of you... just don't focus on you guys as a "couple" anymore. That is gone...
By the way, you need not announce this to her. Just pick a date, sort of like a "smoke-out" date, and from that date forward, each day you will focus on being a great father and a decent man to the mother of your children.
Once you stop blaming, arguing, etc. YOU can heal. So, if I cant convince you to do it for your kids, do it for YOU. It is not healthy to carry all of that poison inside and keep oozing it out on her. It poisons your kids and yourself too!
2007-11-27 08:51:08 · answer #5 · answered by Gatubella 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stop lying to yourself and making the kids a reason to stay You probably really want to stay but use the kids as a reason because you can't admit you want to stay for her as this was a blow to your ego. Either way you do have to learn to forgive or your wife one day will leave you. If you really want to make it work make the decision you will forgive everday 77 x7 as the bible says. If you just can't it is easier to forgive from afar as your not having to forgive everytime something reminds you of her mistake. With her gone you will forgive once because they won't be those daily reminders. But either way forgiveness is like work you have to choose to do it everyday even when you don't feel like it If you can't then move on for your sanity,plus the reminders aren't good for your wife as she has been forgiven by God and probably wants to forget but can't if you still bring it up. Poop or get off the pot!
2007-11-27 08:50:29 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think everyone is pretty much nailing it on the head: go and talk to someone. It can really help, and I say this from experience.
Things like this can take a huge toll on your mind and over time its easy to lose perspective. It starts to make you feel like your living in your head... if you know what I mean. Talking to someone helps pull you out of your mind, helps you gather your bearings, and brings you back into a more stable world.
Also, keep in mind, trust takes time to rebuild, and losing trust in someone is like losing that person. There is no science to how long it takes to rebuild what was lost. -So don't give up...
While it is truly humbling, there is power in forgiveness and decisiveness. So forgive her, accept what happened, and be decisive as you look towards the future, don't allow the pain, hurt, and other emotions to guide you, instead, let your decisions guide you. -You decide to forgive her, you decide to go and talk to someone, you decide that your children and your family are worth the effort of holding it together. Over time, the decisiveness will develop into positive feelings that replace the pain and hurt.
The relationships we have with our spouses are constantly evolving, sometimes its empowering, other times it's humbling, but it's the sum of the good times and the bad times that equate to a strong and fulfilling marraige... that is why it is important to forgive, and to keep in mind that God plays a role in our marraiges, and that sometimes, we have to put it in Gods hands, and continue to love our wives as we promised we would do, and Trust Him, that everything will work out.
2007-11-27 09:04:54 · answer #7 · answered by blujello 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You already made this decision two years ago and it was the correct one. The children are the most important thing in your life and they should always be. Stay true to their mother / YOUR wife and show your children what a good daddy is like. Be there for the children and continue to be a good husband.
2007-11-27 08:50:17 · answer #8 · answered by rustyoldma 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Seek couseling or seperate. You may not think so but your feelings and actions are hurting her and may unfortunately cause another emotional affair because you are not giving her what she needs or deserves. If you chose to stay then you have to make the choice to forgive and move forward.
I wish you the best and hope you find it in your heart to let go before it is too late.
2007-11-27 08:53:32 · answer #9 · answered by That Deal 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get counseling dear. If you can't let it go, you obviously need some help, especially if you feel you have to stay with her. I don't condone cheating at all and I personally would have left. However, I understand the need to stay for the sake of the children. But if you can't get over this, perhaps you need to seriously consider leaving. But definitely try counseling first.
2007-11-27 08:42:09 · answer #10 · answered by Kathy R 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋