Why am I struggling with my partners obsessiveness over his kids?

Question

My partner and I have been together for 2 years. We are both in our 40's and both have children from our previous marriages. Mine are out working and very independent. His are 9 and 11. Our children are very important to us both and he has always kept in very close contact with his, driving 150 mile round trips to see them twice each week. I just wish once in a while we could have the weekend just us two. No matter how many talks weve had about it, he wont change spending Sundays with them,even when it was my birthday -which I spent withouth him!. He gets up early and arrives home very late as he insists on spending every waking moment of their day with them. I just find this all rather obsessive. I admire him for being a responsible dad, but just wish once every now it could be just the two of us at the weekend. I get along well with them but have to admit I am feeling resentful of them lately. Am I wrong to feel like this? He also spoils them and is in debt because of this!

Answer 1

When we get married or choose a partner the question should not be "Can I change this?" It should be "Can I live with this?"

I suggest you stay out of the matter and stop comparing your children and parenting skills with his.

Your household money should include, "hers", "his" and "ours". The money that he spends in excess of his child support should be out of "his" money. The child support should be counted as normal household bills.

Find something else to do on Sunday. The children need the dedicated attention their father is giving them. You are an adult, you can make time for your husband. They are children, they are at the "mercy" of their parents. (as all children are)

Good luck, but please, your discontent is going to affect the marriage. Live with it or leave.

Peace.

Answer 2

Your partner's children are still quite young and are at age when they need to spend time with their dad. Your partner sounds like a great dad - not many dads would drive that far to see their children. Dont feel so negative about his bond with his children - he only gets to see them twice a week, and wants to make sure their time together is quality time.

Instead of making an issue about wanting to spend Sundays with him, why dont you make the time you Do get to spend together special. Maybe you could make another day special, such as Saturday, where just the two of you do something thats enjoyable and intimate.

Hope things work out.

Answer 3

In order for your husband to be a good father, he tries to numb his fear of losing his children's love by showing his commitment on Sundays.

Does this behaviour give him a release of that fear? And does it help him to be a better partner to you? Is this the only reason you are feeling jealous/insecure or is he giving you more reasons not to feel special? I'm quite sure he goes to sleep early on Saturday evenings and should wake up grumpy on Monday mornings because of the long drive.

Important that you don't complain or play the victim, it will only alienate him and increase his fears. Play the situation as a helper by showing you care, which will put you in a position to make demands at a later stage.

A few wicked suggestions:
1) Your husband needs to spend 4 days a month with the kids. You could call up his Ex and arrange for the mother to drop off the kids at your place for a whole weekend. And then your husband can drop them off on Sunday evening. The next weekend is yours alone, but try to book a weekend away for the both of you - just in case...

2) Help your husband with the communication. Buy the kids a computer, computer camera, and headsets, and get them to chat online with their dad.

3) Offer to go with him on the Sundays and only when you're over at his kids house suggest that you go out - just the two of you. Soon Sundays won't be as much fun for him as he'll soon notice that he's relationship with the kids are not in balance with his relationship with you.

4) If the car is his only mode of transport, you could hide the keys!!!!! And blame it later on your dog (if you have one)

Answer 4

Sharon he is not going to change , i had one just like that too , it is not a bad trait . I left because i was looking for a different kind of relationship and it did not include kids at the time . It does not make either of us wrong just different agenda's and for both of us to be happy I moved on .

Answer 5

Hi Sharon,,,Looks like you need to find another guy. Maybe we could trade. I am the type of person who lives for 'the children'. And my b/f isn't really on that 'beat'. what do ya think,,,my guy is 40,,slender,,,very good man,,,just that we share different values,,,like I think is your problem with you and your b/f.
Who knows,,this could be the 'greatest' answer you ever got',,so you better choose 'mine' as best answer,,,hehehehhee

Answer 6

i dont think ur wrong to sometimes want to spend a weekend with him, particularly as u say yr birthday u should be important to him as well and he needs to be able to balance the two. i have same prob with mine he has his kids 50% of time, it was ok when we were living together but now that i have had to move in with my mum to look after her i only see him half the week even then hes always busy, i just feel im in second place at the moment, particularly as im tied to home looking after my mum and get little break, when i do hes always off doing something work or his kids. its extra tough at moment as his sister is dying and only has weeks left hes trying to help her sort everything out and i dont begrudge him that time one little bit however last night he couldnt come and see me cos he wanted to go out with his friend to tell him about his sister, for a few drinks. again i dont begrudge him seeing friends but u dont really have to go and have drinks to be able to tell yr friend something do u? i was left at home alone and a bit of attention would be nice. in contras t this morning when i was able to go out as i had a carer in he expected me to wait in for him to come round to see me for a cup of tea thereby not allowing me to go out and do anything. so i can understand what u are saying, compromise is needed the only thing u can do i think is try to talk to him about how unhappy its making you and the fact that ur in debt cos of it if he doesnt compromise (could his kids not come to u for the day or stay over at yours?_) then i think u have to consider is he worth it?. thats what i shall be doing when the problem with his sister is over. good luck

Answer 7

I know you have spoke to him already but you really have to try again. Maybe donk ask him to give a day up but to compromise or this is going to tear you apart. I know the love for your kids is unconditional and it must be hard not living with them but your partner has loyalties to you as well and it seams to me that he is putting them first all the time.

Answer 8

He clearly feels guilty for not being a bigger part of their lives.

Could you move closer so that it would be easier for him to see them, or consider having them to stay for the weekend now and then?

Answer 9

honestly if my girlfriend ever thought that me spending that much time with my kids was obsessive I would break up with her right away. love my son more than I will ever love anyone else. So you either need to be happy with the time you get with your man or break up with him because you cant deal with it. Im sure idealy he would love to spend every single day with his kids and I still dont think thats obsessive.

Answer 10

you have every right to feel that way, especially on your birthday, try talking again to him if not, there is other people out there, that would spend time with you

good luck