My husband has a problem with porn... we're trying to work on it.. he did well for a while after a few sessions of therapy... but he's back at it again and trying to erase everything so I don't know what he's doing.
Even though he erases the history I always know what places he visits... should I tell him... how should I approach it?
I'm about to tell him to just do whatever he wants and start going out dancing at least once a week with my best friend... he doesn't like me going out like that... but then again I don't like him watching porn... so... what do you think?
2007-11-26 15:06:25 · 19 answers · asked by BitterSweet 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I won't go on details... but when I say that it's a problem... it's because it is... we were separated for about 3 months for that... I came back only because he started doing good with theraphy but three months together and things are coming to be the same way as before... but know he's more sneaky.
2007-11-26 15:23:21 · update #1
To those who are insulting this lady by telling her to get over it and maybe watch it with him: Would you tell her the same thing if his addiction was something else equally as "harmless" like shopping or gambling or hoarding? A behavior that most people can do once or twice (like watching porn every once in a while) is something else entirely when the person doing it is an addictive personality, because he does it IN EXCESS to the detriment of himself and the people who love him. He spends his time, money, and energy on something that certainly does not help build his relationship with his wife.
Porn is a harmful addiction. The plastic surgery, airbrushing, trick-photography, make-up, and harmful behaviors the women put themselves through to look like porn-stars puts forward an image that the viewer comes to expect as the norm. Normal women, in comparison to these unreal images, become less attractive to porn addicts. Every little flaw becomes magnified in comparison to the apparently flawless views on the screen. Then there is the behavior - porn flicks are generally not empowering to the female partner. The woman is portrayed as submissive and enjoying being treated like an object that exists solely for the sexual gratification of the male. Porn addicts can internalize this portrayal of a relationship, and are either oblivious or completely taken by surprise when they discover that their partners expect to be treated like human beings rather than a piece of meat.
Questioner: I do believe it is time for another intervention. He needs more intensive therapy - if he refuses, it is time for you to move on because you cannot help him until he is willing to help himself.
2007-11-26 15:38:29 · answer #1 · answered by CowboysFan 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
The porn thing is awful. So many men get suckered into that and then it's hard to re-wire your brain. Studies show that the images are pierced into your mind like getting branded so that you can never forget them. It's probably harder than drug addiction to stop. He needs to get the message about how serious this really is. I think if you start going out once per week without his approval - it may make the rift between you greater. On the other hand, this isn't fair either. He's either going to have to stop or he's going to push you into the arms of some other man - it's only a matter of time. Are you still in therapy? You may need to get into a long term situation with the therapy where you try it for a year rather than just until the symptoms of this illness he has subside. It's like drug or alcohol addiction, it takes time and he's going to need to go through withdrawal - where he really really really wants to but he is not allowed. It's time for both of you to make some drastic decisions such as shutting off the internet at home by calling your provider and shutting it off. If cable is also an issue - just shut it off. It will save you some money and make it much harder for him to give into the temptation. Drastic measures are required and I would really if this goes on too long consider a separation where he can choose between his worthless idols and you. Obviously - if he picks the porn and divorces you - he's truly a fool.
2007-11-26 23:16:37 · answer #2 · answered by ? 6 · 4⤊ 1⤋
Wow are we split on this or what? 50-50 good or bad. Almost evenly split male and female also with females leaning more to bad than good.
let's see, since the onset of the digital revolution, rapes have increased 500% and other sexually motivated crimes have increased as well. Divorces are up, marriage rate is down. Single mom homes are prevalent and the majority of those are in poverty.
I won't deny having seen some porn in my day as well. At 8 (1968) it was the playing cards dad had with the naked women on them. Early 70's progressed to magazines stuffed under the bathtub. But with this digital thing the possibilities and temptations are endless. I don't believe porn is harmless. It destroys relationships, even the "open" ones. Watching it with him does nothing but condone it.
Getting back at him by going out without him won't solve this problem, just exacerbate it.
Porn addiction is next to impossible to break, it feeds on the very emotions we seek to experience. But break it he must. Seek help, get rid of the computer, do whatever it takes but you have to stop feeding the monster!
2007-11-26 23:33:49 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Two wrongs do not make a right. Let him know that you know he is viewing porn. Not only that, tell him how you know, leave him wide open holding the bag in his hand. Going out with your girlfriends is not going to solve this situation, only add to it. Be the bigger person here, let him know that his behavior hurt and disappointed you. When he was weak he should have sought out help then, to get him through this. This illness is just as worse as being a drug addict or an alcoholic. There is no way you two can have a happy life as long as this wall (Porn Addiction) stands in your way. Give him an ultimatum and let him know that you will leave if he doesn't try to get help. Remember you have nothing to be ashamed of you have done nothing wrong, it is his addiction that is causing trouble in your relationship. God bless you and remember if he doesn't seek help again, then you have to move on with your life, don't stoop to his level, rise up and be heard.
2007-11-26 23:24:23 · answer #4 · answered by stepintostep 4 · 3⤊ 1⤋
As an ex-addict I can tell you this- if he doesn;t REPLACE it with something, he's never going to truly quit. Kudos to him for trying, he's at least that far. Remember this is a depression cycle he's in - so don't by any means excuse his relapse, but focus him on what's really bothering him. Why don't you go out together once a week? It will get him out of the house and away from the machine. BTW- I know how tough this can be for him- if he wants, he can email or IM me.
2007-11-26 23:21:04 · answer #5 · answered by kttphoenix 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Give him the consequences before you just do it. By you just going out with your friend without discussing won't fix his porn problem. It will probably make things worst.
Make sure he knows that him watching porn takes away from your sexual pleasure. That you don't know if he's think about you or someone else when your intimate.
Let him know about it.(that you know that he's erasing it)
realize this that men it's a visual thing more then a emotional. Which means that his feeling aren't attached. He's just using this a source to get turned on. Maybe try watching it with him and see if that makes your sex life better or not.
Anyway Good Luck :)
2007-11-26 23:19:34 · answer #6 · answered by jwizesoul 1 · 2⤊ 2⤋
It depends on how many hours per day he is looking. If it is interfering with his life and "normal" activities, then I'd say I'd be upset too. I would tell him that you know. I was just dumped by a guy who supposedly loves me (we are in our 30's), yet he is so addicted to leather and being dominated by a female, that he spends hours looking at the stuff online. My ex is getting help with his addiction, and says he can't do it while with me because I muddle things up...hence our breakup. My ex has been addicted so long that he can't see his way out sometimes. He is going to start group therapy and therapy on his own. Maybe your husband just hasn't found the right therapist?
2007-11-26 23:27:02 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Bradley T and Jennifer....THANK YOU!! Exactly how I feel about porn......It clearly has become a huge problem...and there are so many people that defend it and/or condone it by just getting over the fact that their spouse is going to watch porn...It is very disrespectful to a mate to indulge in watching such filth when they are hurt by the images....I simply would NEVER tolerate my husband watching porn...as I know that he wouldn't tolerate me watching it....The porn industry is there to make millions...and they don't care who buys their crap! They don't care if marriages are destroyed....and they would probably sell to children if it were legal....all for the almighty dollar!!!
2007-11-26 23:56:08 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
If you don't want porn in your life .. you may have to put HIM out of your life to get it done.
Don't "do" things .. just for revenge on him.
You won't solve the problem by these actions.
Face it up front. Tell him it has to stop, now .. that you will not allow these things in your life.
If he won't stop .. then decide what your choices are .. which are to stay & take it ... or leave him.
2007-11-26 23:30:33 · answer #9 · answered by Tara 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I think you need to bring up this problem.
Have you ever tried maybe watching it with him, maybe setting that as a limit?
I know it sounds good to just say you'll go out with your friends but will that really help anything? It's only going to get him mad and make him feel like he has a right to do that.
try more communication maybe you should invite him to go out dancing with you and your friends.
2007-11-26 23:20:11 · answer #10 · answered by TM25 3 · 2⤊ 2⤋