Should i leave my controlling husband who refuses to get a job?

Question

I AM 24 YEARS OLD AND MY HUSBAND IS 29. WE WILL BE MARRIED 2 YEARS THIS MONTH AND HE HAS NEVER HAD A JOB. I JUST HAD OUR DAUGHTER LAST YEAR AND SHE IS A LITTLE OVER ONE NOW. WHEN WE GOT MARRIED THE HOUSE WE LIVE IN IS PAID OFF BECAUSE IT WAS INHERITED BY HIM AND HIS SISTER. SO HE TRIES TO USE THAT AS LEVERAGE. AND NOT ONLY WILL HE NOT DO ANYTHING FINANCIALLY HE IS VERY CONTROLING AND MANIPULATIVE. HE TRIES TO KEEP ME FROM MY FAMILY AND "DISCIPLINE" ME BY TAKING THE HOUSE KEYS AND TRUCK KEYS AWAY FROM ME. I CAN SEE THAT IM SINKING QUICKLY ESPECIALLY BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN PUTTING OFF GOING TO SCHOOL AND I WAS ONLY GOING TO TAKE OFF ONE SEMESTER. WITH THE ECONOMY LIKE IT IS THEY CUT HOURS AT WORK AND H STILL WONT WORK, SAYS I SHOULD GET ANOTHER JOB. HOW DO I PULL MYSELF OUT?

IN REGARDS TO ONE OF THE ANSWERS I HAVE GOTTEN MAD AT HIM FOR NOT WORKING AND HE DANCES ALL AROUND THE CONVERSATION. TURNS EVERYTHING AROUND ON ME. LIKE THIS MORNING HE GOT MAD AT ME CAUSE OF MY SHIRT, WHICH IS NOT REVEALING, BUT HE GOT ANGRY AND TODAY IS OUR 2 YEAR ANNIVERSARY, HES MORE INTERESTED IN HIMSELF AND LIKES TO HOLD MATERIAL THINGS OVER MY HEAD, ALTHOUGH I LET HIM SO IM JUST AS MUCH TO BLAME

Answer 1

Hi im 25 years old, and i kinda went through the same thing a few years ago, except my ex was worse. One dont ever cut off your family, you will need them. Has he ever hurt you pshyically before, because you sound scared on what he might do rather than losing your husband and the father of your child. tell someone, a close friend, meet up with them for lunch, a family member just someone who you trust. Do you want to leave him, or just get him to work? All i can say is if you have stood back all this time and let him get away with it, stand up for yourself, but make sure you have someone else at the house when you do. Just in case, its not to scare you its just to cover everything on what could possibly happen. But more than likely if you stand up to him and make it clear your not playing games he will most probably be shocked. Even if you and your daughter leave for 2 weeks and stay with a relative, it wont be long until he will be ringing you. And when he does, strike that deal, you will only go back if he gets a job... If he loves you and wants you back, he will. If he has an excuse, then there is your answer.

Answer 2

A marriage license is not a license to own someone. Sadly to say, some do feel that way. A marriage is actually a partnership and each should share in responsibilities whatever that may be. When one tries to control or dominate the other, the relationship is thrown out of kilter. The controlling person becomes secure and the other starts to feel anger, then depression. Your husband feels secure because he owns the home and you pay the bills. He has it made and does what he wants to. I recommend you first confide in a close family member. You are going to need your family to pull this marriage back on track. What your going to have to do is take away his security. You can't take the house, so you may have to threaten to leave. Tell him how you feel and if he doesn't change you're going to leave him. You, your child and your job are security to him. This is where you family comes in. Be sure to have a place to go to if you have to leave for awhile. It's going to be tuff, he will get mad, he will try to dominate you again. If you leave he will have some time to think and see what he has lost. Once he apologizes and tries to get you to come back, is the point when you now have control. Be fair, tell him what you expect as a husband and a father. If he truly loves you, he'll change. I wish you the best.

Answer 3

I have to wonder why you married him in the first place - I'm sure this didn't all just happen since you got married, so you knew what he was like when you married him.

I'm not saying you should leave him or you should stay, but you should realize if you choose to leave, it may be a difficult road.

First, since he has not been working, I assume he has been the primary caregiver for your daughter. In that case, the court is likely to give him primary custody of your daughter.

Second, since the house was an inheritance to him, you have no rights to it - it is not community property. This means you will have to rent an apartment. The fact that he has a "stable" home will also be an argument in favor of him gaining custody of your daughter.

Third, since you have been the primary breadwinner, you will be paying child support to him. Even if the court split custody 50/50, you would still be paying him child support, since you have an income and he doesn't. Since you have only been married 2 years, I doubt you would have to pay alimony, but that depends upon the laws in your state.

If you leave, you can probably forget going back to school for now. Even if you wanted to quit work, live with your parents and go to school full time, you wouldn't be able to afford it. This is because the court would still require you to pay child support based on the income you had before you quit - it's called "imputed income", and it is designed to discourage non-custodial parents from quitting their jobs in order to avoid child support.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this predicament - I think any man who refuses to support his family cannot call himself a man. However, you chose this path when you married him - either way, you are going to have to bear the consequences. It is up to you to determine which choice is the least painful.

Answer 4

He is a lazy free-loader, who lets his wife support him, raise a young child, and go to school...plus let me guess...you do all the housework etc..And he still thinks he can control you by taking away your car keys. Seems to me you should be the one in charge. You could arrange it so that he didn't have a dime of spending money, your salary could go into an account with your name on it and you would be the only one paying bills or spending any money. Plus you could have your own set of car keys made, and register the car in your name only. If he took the house keys you could call a locksmith and have the locks changed and keep the only set of keys.
Or you could just leave the jerk and never look back.

Answer 5

Plunder your bank account and don't put any money in there ever again if he has any access.
Call your parents and tell them what is going on.
See if you can start taking your things from the house and wearhouse them at a friend's house a little at a time.
If he tries to block your exit, your dad may have to come and escort you out of there. If your dad can't provide escort, you will have to call the police.
Pack your bags, get in the truck, and haul fanny out of there.
When you get out, file for divorce and child support.
You can pick up a do-it-yourself divorce guide at the local bookstore... get the latest one. You can download the forms from your state's website.
The main thing is getting out of there.
You can sue for your truck back if it is your name on the title and loan.

Answer 6

First off get a lawyer. He has no job and document that he does not support the family. You have allowed him to controll your life and you need to get some balls and reclaim your it. Your child does not need this kind of bullshit either. Your daughter will end up in therapy in no time if you stay. Wake up!!!! File for divorce now! You made the choice to marry the son of a *****, now make the choice to divorce him.

Answer 7

You know what you need to do. My husband was the same way. I left. He finally got his act together and we reconciled. We have been married 14 years now. We are very happy. Sometimes there has to be an extreme ultimatum. My husband says if I didn't leave him that time, he might not have changed because he wouldn't have had any motivation to change. If losing you does not motivate him to step up to his responsiblities then you have your answer.

Answer 8

Read your question out loud to yourself. Why would you want to stay? If you plan on leaving, be smart about it. See a lawyer now, have a safe place to go and money saved up. Often a controlling person becomes an abusive person when their victim starts getting a back bone.

Answer 9

wow cant tell me you didn't see that coming. if it was me he would get a job yesterday and wouldn't treat me that way. you have to put a stop to this. do you want to waste years of this kind of living. you can work and get your own place.. over the next few months be putting money back to help you get started without him..the other thing to do is stay there and complain about it for years. good luck

Answer 10

Next time you go out without him..make copies of the keys ( tell no one ) ... find a way to begin to save money if you must ..and save quite enough to move out to the other side of town. Find a friend ( female of course ) who can help you with babysitting. Do not cheat on this man. You think he is manipulative now? If you cheat your life will go downhill even faster. Do not complain.. say very little .. love your baby like crazy.. and save save save so you can move out. Tell your family what is going on so they will know. If you begin to fear for your life..you will just have to move faster.

God bless you, girl. Make sure you tell your family and make sure they will not approach him in anyway ..just make sure you tell them.