I was abused, she says out loud
I was hurt, she whispers now
I was once loved, she's crying now
I'm sitting behind her, I know her pain
To be hurt once, then again and again
I want to reach out
I want to hold her
I want her to know that somebody cares
But something inside me jumps back at the thought
That I would consider reliving the day that I was abused
Just another cold night, yesturday
Anony D
2007-11-26 11:46:16 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
DEFINTELY worth a star ;);););)
2007-11-26 11:49:59 · answer #1 · answered by kr_toronto 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well to be completly honest, it was mediocre at best, grammatical error's through the reader to a great extent, the flow goes out the window within the last three lines and your imagery is almost repulsive to the trained mind, try and use more concise pfrasing and thin out word's that simply aren't need.
2007-11-26 12:04:40 · answer #2 · answered by kissaled 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It could use a little polish. After letting it sit a few days, you might try to find any places where words can be cut, so that it says as much as possible in as few words as possible. The content is great, and the style has promise.
2007-11-26 11:54:50 · answer #3 · answered by Poet G 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good... a touch depressing, but if that's your goal, then it's fantastic! It makes you wonder... it makes you curious. Maybe you could create more stanzas and resolve the poem. Some styles like to keep you interested, even until the very last line. Wonderful job!
2007-11-26 11:52:06 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok then....
Its quite good, needs more structure though, no rhythm to it but my hubby is a song writer I'm used to reading lyrics
Are you the girl in the poem?
2007-11-26 11:53:32 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
omg that was great, I loved it. This poem touched my heart and mad me cry. I can relate to this poem. Keep up the excellent work. I give you star Hun.
2007-11-26 21:03:41 · answer #6 · answered by Broken Tiger. 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
take out the word but at the end it makes it flow easier and gives it more of a poetic feel! nice overall!
2007-11-26 11:51:30 · answer #7 · answered by slickpapa2002 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, OMG that was really deep, If you write more plz send would love to read more
2007-11-26 12:31:42 · answer #8 · answered by Austin 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry, if you, or someone would have to through something like that, it will get better. Just have a little bit of faith in yourself.
2007-11-26 12:02:28 · answer #9 · answered by soisitok 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I liked the Poem.
If this really happened then you should have told her she was not alone, that there are others out there that know what and how she's feeling and that it was not her fault that it happened.
2007-11-26 11:52:43 · answer #10 · answered by bnyxis 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't like it. Too "I feel sorry for myself". Try to use a more poetic style of word play. Sorry to be blunt, but you said to be honest.
2007-11-26 11:50:33 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋