How normal is it to be unhappy early in a marriage?

Question

I have been married for a year and a half. My parents are divorced and never really had a functional pattern of relating, and I don't feel like I have a baseline of what is "normal." Of course, toward the beginning of our relationship, we were blissfully happy and thought we were different than every other couple - and so lucky to have found true, healthy love. Now, a year and 1/2 later, all of the bad patterns have surfaced. He has a father who is emotionally abusive to his mother, and I sometimes get the same kind of treatment. When I stand up for myself, he says I am being a "*****." We probably have sex about 1x a month- he says he's just lost his sex drive (though I think it's really just that I'm 'old news,' because the women in his porn seem to arouse him.) We have a lot of blaming happening- a lot of "you started it." How much of this is normal?? How disappointed were you in the early years of marriage? How do I work through it and overcome feeling l deserve better?

Answer 1

Normal marriages go through ups and downs, but your relationship sounds like there is something wrong.

Calling you names and having a bad sex life is a bad sign.

You need some marriage counselling. I am sorry to tell you that though fighting and lows are normal, this sort of treatment is not.

You are right! YOU DESERVE BETTER!!

Answer 2

Marriage is not easy at all and the real reason why most couples get divorced is because they don't handle their problems early on and they blow up into huge ones that are VERY hard to surpass or almost impossible.

I don't want you to ask yourself whether it's "normal" or not. You need to worry about YOU and your relationship... and whether you are happy. That is the thing that matters here more than anything.

What you need to do is sit down with him and have a good, long conversation. You haven't been married long and these problems can be fixed now before your marriage turns into a disaster. Sit down and discuss the matters at hand. Ask yourselves what you want to come out of this. Do you love each other? Do you want to have a bright future ahead of you? Do you care about each other? The more you keep avoiding these issues, the worse it's going to get. So lay out your feelings on the table.

Lay out the rules for this discussion before you start:
-Rule #1: Listen
-Rule #2: Do not accuse. Avoid phrases like: "You always" and "you never"
-Rule #3: Problem solve when all is said and done.

Make sure you both have a good understanding of each other's feelings. Decide what you want to do. Do you go to church? Churches often gives free counseling. My fiance and I even went to a marriage seminar at our friend's church without us having any problems. It was very insightful and we learned a lot.

With that said, try as understanding as possible. This works both ways... you BOTH have to be understanding, considerate and willing to work things out. Marriage is not a one-lane street. If your discussion gets "heated," stop, take a breath and start over. Make that another rule.

Answer 3

Either you two can work through it or not. Marriage always complicates things but if your in love you should get over this hump. My husband still does things that he knows bothers me but it usually because hes upset about something else. And as far as the sex drive just spice things up, maybe watch porn with him get some new ideas. Its normal to be unhappy sometimes but don't let it become you. Sometimes its just not worth it if he wont put forth any effort.

Answer 4

i was only married a month when my new husband told me i was fat and he wanted a divorce i was so upset i was pregnant and confused i cried a lot and after 31/2 years i walked out of the marriage i was so happy after words and now i look back he is on his 3rd wife we raised our son now he is 19 and moving into his own apt. so I feel our marriage was a joke he was a mean *** hole and i am so much better now......so divorce sometimes is the best for a marriage.....so do some soul searching and find out is divorce what you need?
only you can answer that one. but good luck....
ps i have never remarried either...and may never do it again.....but, if a good man was to come my way i will but, my live in boyfriend is a drunk so nope for now.......

Answer 5

Without some kind of counseling soon, or a commitment that is positive from your husband, your marriage looks to fail. Hope you don't look for a child to possibly help, that would make it worse.
If your husband will not give a good effort to save this marriage, you are better off without him. Good luck.

Answer 6

Ive been married for 10yrs and the 1st yr and 1/2 was still trying to get used to having a responsibility of a spouse but if you love your spouse talk to him. it seems like he's seeing someone else. nobody losses a sex drive unless their seeing or wanting to see someone else.to get thru this i think you need to ask yourself if you love this person enough to stick it out and let him know how you feel and maybe things will get better.

Answer 7

The only way to break the patterns from your parents is to argue nicely. Respect each other...Don't raise your voices, and try not to use accusatory language. "You never do anything right."

Use words to your advantage. "I feel like you don't respect me when you do this..."

And most of, all communicate everything you're feeling. Ask him to work on this and try to improve things! You can't make things better on your own. He needs to work on his ways, as well.

Answer 8

Marriage has its ups and downs even early on. It is a huge adjustment on both parties. My wife and I have our disputes but we work to resolve them thus leading to a more fulfilling marriage.

Answer 9

Oh yea, you better get to a marriage therapist asap. You are seriously heading down hill.

Answer 10

i think its normal to go thru ups n downs in a marriage . marriage is hard work is neevr going to be that blissful feeling you experienced at the beginning . . that said . .abuse . .emotional, verbal or physical should neevr be tolerated . . .my advice would be to seek professial help in marriage counseling . . .