Everyone is telling me to leave- but I want to stay and make it work!?

Question

I'm in a messy situation - look at the previous two questions. Everyone is telling me to just leave my husband, that he's controling etc.. does anyone have advice on how it could work?
I love him to much to leave.
He won't leave me, even if he going to change how he treats me. He just sent an SMS saying its up to me to accept him as he is (as I've made him become) or leave because he won't.
Thats a relief but something has to change, i don't know how get us back on track.

There are no 'couples therapy' there, there is no way on earth I will be able to convince him to go as he will see it as an invasion of privacy (he'd be really upset if he knew i was even online talking about this) and he sees it is my fault anyway for not appreciating how good he is to me - so why would he think he needs councilling?
I need something i can do to fix this.

Even if he goes ahead and sleeps with her I don't really know if i can walk away. Why am I such a doormat?!

Answer 1

If you are wondering how to get it back on track you are not ready to leave. I left a very controlling person who believed that somehow I made him become that way and it was the best thing I ever did. No one makes you become anything you don't want to be and people only change when they want to and what they want to change. I can honestly say that I still carry a place for him in my heart, but my life is so much better, richer, freer, fuller and peaceful without him. Maybe counselling will help, but he doesn't sound like that is what he wants. He wants to be the way he is and for you to like and love him for it. Sorry if that is not what you want to hear, I probably wouldn't have wanted to hear that either, but the truth is in your heart and your ears will hear it when your head is ready. Mine did.

Answer 2

Hi, If you want to stay, then you stay, this gives me the impression you have courage, determination and lots of love. I'm sorry but I have not seen the other 2 questions you posted on here. However I guess the response was not what you were looking for. You say that he will not go to counselling as it is an invasion of privacy, OK, if he won't go, so you go get as much information and strength to see you through this difficult period, it is going to be an up hill struggle, but something in your question tells me you are a fighter. His sms is just another way of saying "I am to scared to be confronted with the truth about myself", so he has to write it and make you the perpetrator of all the problems, like all messages you can wipe them off and forget about them. To try and get things back on track is again is going to be an up hill struggle. It seems that there is no proper communication between you, it's better to lay your cards on the table than to keep them close to your chest, how can anyone know what you are feeling if you continually let things slip past. Confront and communicate, ask him how and why things have changed and how you both can get back on track, because a train won't run if one set of wheels are not on line. Good luck.....David

Answer 3

Think about what you want, and you have obviously decided to stay. That's great but now you need some strategies to make life bearable. It is not good enough for him to say accept what he is. Decide how much you will let him control you and talk to him. You could have a warning word to let him know he has gone too far, say 'partying' If he oversteps your boundary you just say partying and leave the room. If he follows you you leave the house. This way he gets to understand you will only be controlled to a certain level.
It is possible to make it work even if he not prepared to change. You change sufficiently for the both of you.
I hope with all my heart it works out for you.

Answer 4

Your husband is fairly cruel. He is also extremely stubborn and spoiled. I would like to see you stay where you are until he begins to behave lovingly towards you again. It sounds as if you hold all of the cards. He is in another country awaiting you. If he cheats, that's on him, not you. Be strong, tell him he must behave lovingly and with respect before you will come to him.

I have a feeling he is trying to drive you away. That he is trying to make you divorce him. You must make him behave. Try to be strong in the knowledge that there are many loving men out there who would love to have such a loyal woman. Do not despair. Jesus loves you and will give you the comfort of his people in the church. This is also a great place to make more friends and get the support you need right now.

Answer 5

It is difficult to answer this question as there is only on side of this situation that has been given.

However in retrospect considering the SMS he sent you, he does not seem accommodating. Love works both ways, if he loved you so much he would change, even a little just to make you happy.

In my view it seems you are doing everthing to make him happy, but he wants the easy thing, and not do things that make you happy.

I, as a bloke would say leave him and find a guy, who respects and loves you for you, and not into the mould he wants you to be..

Answer 6

it is part of the control to blame you for making him the way he is, the invasion of privacy remark is an excuse to continue the behavior. And you may love him, but it is a self destructive love, so you too are well suited. There is absolutely nothing that will help you, much like any addict you will have to sink to the lowest point in your life, before you will even start to respect yourself. You say, you love him, how can you when you don't even love yourself. Boy, he really say you coming, but then they always know which girls to target. So, why the hell don't you do as you are told, accept him for the person "you" made him. And quit bothering us all, by whinning for advice, you claim you don't want.

Answer 7

Simple. You can only take so much pain. If the pain hasn't reach it max. level yet, stay. If it has pass the level, you would have left already.
But here is a idea for you. Like your husband SMS said "accept him as he is".
This is a big problem. If the woman I love have a husband that has just said that to her and I find out about it. He might not be able to see the sun rise the next day.
The problem you have is that you feel he is your world. Well turn around and look at your family. Is their love for you less that this "husband" of yours? If it is about care, I am sure they will care for you a lot more that he would.
So don't degrade yourself.

Answer 8

Whatever you did to make him become like he is, fix it. If you betrayed his trust and you don't want to leave him, then you are going to have to work very hard to prove to him, that you can be trustworthy again. If there are no children involved, for goodness sake don't have any until you can get yourself back on track with him. In my experience, children do not save marriages, they just make it harder, if you have to move on without a partner. It sounds by the sms message he sent you that he doesn't care whether you stay or go. If that is the case I think you could be banging your head up against a brick wall.

Answer 9

If you love him, it means you love him for who he is; not who you wish him to be. If he was always controlling and you still married him, then it was you who made the choice to be with someone with his strong and demanding character traits.

If he suddenly changed after you married him, well, he put on a false face to you and that is not the man you chose to marry. Sorry, but the number one thing a person who wishes to have a relationship must realize, is to take responsibility for their own actions. Not to blame others. No one can make you do or be any other way than you want to be.

Sounds like the only way this will work is if you remain his 'escape goat' and I can only see it getting worse. He must want to change and only he can do that; nothing you say or do will make him change. Perhaps therapy would work, but is he willing to go that route?

Answer 10

Hey, look around you! Everyone is telling you how bad he is. You are blinded by love, and he is guiding you back to him. If all of your loved ones (besides him) think that he is a total loser and you deserve better, then you need to dump him, fast! I know he's your husband, your love, whatever, but 10 others care about you more than he does. He pulled the wool over your eyes. There's nothing you can do. Wait it out for a few more months and tell him everything on your mind. If he doesn't change around, you two aren't meant to be together.

I'm sorry.
Hope I've helped.

<3