Has he really stopped caring or is he playing mind games?

Question

I am about to move abroad with my husband - he's currently over there at the moment getting things ready. He likes to know everything that i am doing and gets upset if i don't tell him everything or go anywhere without permission. We've had a few big rows about this, always ending with me apologising promising to try and be better &what he wants. But I'm just to damn disorganised. He wouldn't let me go with my sister and (female) friend to the cinema last week because it was night. But i got really cross with him first and said they'd think he was was a jerk if I told the truth, so I lied to protect him (said I was sick) & I rearranged for an afternoon. Now he's mad I still went and says because of my behaviour he will do 'his duty' towards me but not to expect him to show his love for me or treat me as he did before. He also said he would 'get what he wanted' something he'd promised would never happen. And he no longer cares how I feel about things as he thinks I don't care about

how he feels.
Is he playing a game or does he really not care about I feel anymore? The thing he is threatening is to sleep with his first wife. I know I upset him but going to the cinema, having small arguments and being not always remembering to say when I'm eating lunch is hardly the same thing as sleeping with someone.
Before you ask: I've never cheated and have no male friends to make him jealous!
Is he really going to do it? If he's playing mind games to upset me (he does say he loves me so much) how do I stop it? He's paid a lot of money over there to get things ready and won't take a penny from me. I've said if he does something stupid I'm not going over there as it shows he doesn't love me. But he says he's shown his love for me already and its my fault if I don't believe him and that his change in behaviour is my fault.
We've had our arguments, but he's never threatened this before or said he wanted another person than me.
Who is the crazy one here?
What should I do?

The me part is that I really do love him. I never been in love like this and when we were together it was great, when he's apart he does things&insults me. He holds me responsible for not moving over there sooner. I just feel like I can never be good enough for him anymore, but I used to be everything he wanted. I know I'm not perfect, but I don't know what went wrong

he has never been violent in 3years. I did hit him once though when he went to his ex wife. I was so angry that he didn't care about my feelings that i wanted to get a reaction out of him, but he was like a stone. I know i overreacted and apologised 1000 times.

Answer 1

He is the crazy one. He is trying to control you adn your letting him. I suggest you talk this out before you move abroad or your life will suck

Answer 2

I have been a controlling *** before but he takes the cake! I don't care if you look like a model or a fat sow you don't deserve this! what he is doing is beating you emotionally...Spousal abuse!!! right now you have the strength of family what will you have when you are abroad? NOTHING!!! he knows this. I honestly feel this will be just a small taste of what is to come if you go over there. When you get over there I bet he will have 1,001 reasons for you to stay inside...probably for protection as he will claim and the first time you can not account for your time out....you slept with his buddy or someone else. the physical violence (if not already present) will begin or get worse. who will see your black eyes that will have any say??? Dern sure won't be family! the biggest threat to a controlling man is the woman's family...second would be a close friend. He will if not already skillfully separate you from anybody who loves or cares for you! Much like chess or war he will play strategic tactics bent toward his desires and goals. Once you have nobody left where are you going to go? you won't have the confidence to leave him on your own.... He wins....check mate.... he can do with you as he pleases like an object.

Why do you think he doesn't want you with family and friends now?.....HMMM.... they have the power to take you away...talk you out of going to him..... He makes you feel guilty for just about everything you do right? No telling what other weak points he has exploited.... Your appearence....telling you no body would want you maybe....telling you what a horrible wife you are?? how about "YOU are stupid and cant do anything right"

Please I beg you DON'T MAKE THAT MISTAKE!

By the way your friends and family are not stupid...They see,talk, suspect. you empower him my lying. this slowly separates you from them.

Answer 3

Any person who gets "angry" or pouts because you want to go to the cinema with friends, regardless of the time of day, is controlling and abusive. From the way your question reads, this man wants to control every move you make, from where and when you go somewhere, to who you go with. I understant that you are married, but if he is threatening to "sleep with his ex-wife" he's crossed the line. This is immature & controlling behavior that he is using to control your reactions and keep you passive and under his control.

I don't think this is about caring. From your question and the info you give, this man has destroyed your self-esteem. My heart breaks for you in this situation. I don't recommend moving across the street with this man, not to mention to another country. He is taking you away from your family by getting angry that you want to go to the cinema and that is a major red flag.

Check out the website I have listed as a source below. It could be an eye opener for you.

Answer 4

He's blaming you for his crap and your (nearly) buying into it. He wouldn't LET you go to the cinema with your sister and female friend?? It's none of his business. Sounds like he's got it in his head that you DISOBEYING him is a betrayal, and that is not an attitude that's about to change. And threatening to sleep with his ex-wife? Pahleese!
I actually was engaged to someone who was just like this for all of 6 months. I bent over backwards trying to make sure my behaviour would not only not displease him, but make him happy, and in the process I was sucked completely dry [and I was never good enough]. I was lucky that his true colours showed through during the engagement or I would have married the cretin.
Honestly though - married or not - you are better out of a relationship like this, than in.

Answer 5

sweetie you need to get out of that he is playing mind games but not nice ones he is already controlling you and once you live with him you won't see anyone and I'm sorry but he sounds like he is a abusive person how can i tell i have been there and guess what i have a baby by him know and I'm stuck in a situation that i will have to see him for ever because of that i know you are going to do what you want and everyone listens to the heart and guess what the heart is normally wrong think for a minute do you love your sister and your friends because if you do then say that you love them because you are never going to see them as much as you want because if you go and live with him have fun doing nothing and hope that you don't get pg then he will definitely have total control good luck wise you well

Answer 6

I think he sounds like a complete jerk, he talks to you as if he owns you, he doesn't own you. But by the sounds of it you have let him control you for so long it sounds like it will always be this way with him.
But at the same time, I think he does care for you a lot, he clearly is possessive and maybe even some what paranoid that you may meet someone else or something.
If you love him and don't mind him treating you like this then just keep going as you are. But surely he must do your head in, I just couldn't be bothered with someone acting like that.

Answer 7

1. Quit being the subordinate in the relationship. You're an adult and have just as much right as he does to come and go as you wish. In fact you should make a point of it!
2. You should tell him that you won't cheat on him, and never have, and he should get that through his thick skull. And that it's not because the opportunity isn't there, it's because you love him and respect your marriage.
3. You should tell him that if he ever cheats on you with his ex or anybody else, you're going to leave his sorry *** so fast his head will spin. And, if he even threatens to, that's a serious enough breach for you to leave as well.
4. You want respect? Demand it! You're entitled to it from your husband. Even if you have to find a new one in order to get it!

Answer 8

Any guy that talks to you like that, or treats you like that does not deserve your time, or love. To say that he is going to get it from you regardless...that is called Rape!!! Married or not, a man does not have the right to put his hands on you in a sexual sense without you okaying it. That is just sick & twisted. You need to stop protecting him, and move on. He sounds very controlling, and that ends up being an abusive relationship where your self esteem starts to suffer. Not only that, but it could put you into a depression. You seriously need to figure out if this guy is worth your time, because in my opinion any guy that talks to someone he supposedly loves like that, does not really love that person after all.

Answer 9

He sounds like a control freak- sometimes we need to ask why a man has an ex wife- or sometimes more- why did his first marriage end?? I think you need to look at the whole picture here! He doesn't sound to me as if he loves you- sorry honey. Before you pack up and go and live in a strange country with him i suggest you question the future of this marriage very carefully!!

Answer 10

he is a insecure control freak by the sounds of it.. you cant be serious?.. your gonna move abroad to where you have no one and live with this bloke?.. if you cant have your life now what will it be like over there.. has he moved you over there to get you away from "your life"


where does "you" fit in here?.. where does what "you want" come into this..
get strong and get rid of him you will not have a life over there it will become a personal nightmare if he has told you all that and your not there hen your a fool to go .. im sorry but you really do need to think of your own happiness... for once by the sounds of it!

Answer 11

well all i have to say here is if ya dont leave him u might end up dead its only a matter of time before he starts beating u so get out while u still can and bring him to court sue his *** he has no right to tell u who u can se and wre u can and cant go thats not a marrige its a prision for u and he thinks hes the warden dump the plonker