I am a happy loner.?

Question

I am a woman 46 who likes to be alone. From a very early age 15, i was kicked out of home & began living alone. I have less than a handful of very close friends but they are lifelong, 30 plus years. My children are grown up. Husband says he does not know anybody like me, he loves to soicalize, can easily spend 4 - 5 hours with people, poss longer. For me it is a strain, i just really am happy to be on my own, i don't care if i see anybody or not, if someone visits i am always aware of time & always relieved when they leave. I like to eat alone, i have a problem when invited to others for meals, i feel i suffer.
It has been that bad that i know i would enjoy to eat alone in a public toilet than to eat with others. I dread visitors in general, i now live overseas so don't see my very close friends only yearly. but i really do love the peace, freedom of being alone, i love to eat in peace & enjoy my food 100%, with others its 10%. Husband said i should not have got married.

He does not understand me.
Mind you i am questioning myself because he says it is not normal.
Your thoughts please.

Answer 1

It is apparently normal for you. If you have always been this way, then he is the one that made the mistake, not you. If he wanted a social person, he shouldn't have married an anti social person. I am a lot like you with a few exceptions. I am completely happy to be alone, however, I would rather eat with 100 other people than in a public toilet. I don't hate people that much. The only thing I can say is marriage is about communication and compromise (among a lot of other things). You can't expect him to live a life of solitude because that is what you would prefer, just like he can't expect you to be some social butterfly because that is what he would prefer. There has to be a happy medium in there somewhere. It is up to the two of you to find it.

My husband hates to be alone. I have accepted that about him, just like he excepts that we won't be going to every party, because I just can't deal with a bunch of people all of the time, but that is the key. You have to have balance.

Answer 2

I left home at an early age myself. Didn't affect me much because I felt alone most of the time that I was "with" my family.

I'm 40 now with three kids, and in the middle of a divorce because I didn't show enough interest (just one of many complaints anyway). Fact is, I feel I didn't get anywhere near the privacy and alone time I needed.

I am happiest when I am alone and feel the strain when talking to even one friend for a short amount of time. While I can handle groups or crowds, I patently do not like it and usually am aware of when it will end.

To answer your question, no you are not a deviant, nor is there anything wrong with you. Some people just want to be alone -- truly.

As for whether or not you should have ever gotten married? Well, you did so you must have wanted to. I'm still glad I got married even though we inevitably didn't fit. Whether or not you should have married "him" is another question.

In any case, you sound like my kinda people. Stay free and at peace.

Answer 3

I feel there are many people who are the same as you, and it is a bit extreme, to be sure, but it isn't really considered to be abnormal to be a loner. Many people can only take sociability for a short time, then need time to themselves. I believe it is a mistake to marry when a person is like this, because you cannot be a full partner. You would need to have a mate who was much the same as you or one that would make a life outside the marriage and not be resentful of the fact you weren't sharing it with him. If your husband is not unhappy with the status quo, and it's fine with you, too, stay in the marriage. Otherwise, you might enjoy your life more if you didn't have to meet anyone elses' expectations and could just do whatever you want whenever you want. I can understand you because I have some of that in me, but not to the degree you have it.

Answer 4

Hey, your not alone, I am 40 and absolutley love being bymyself, Im married to, and while I love my hubby, and I do spend time with him, not as much as he would like, but at the end of the day, Im not into socializing or talking with people, I have the most fun with me! I know others might think somethings wrong with it and I dont care! I look at it like this, we like ourselves, we like our own company, Im happy and content and I think its a great thing, If we ever got divorced big deal! So what, my friends are so fearful of being alone at 40 and I on the other hand could care less, and I mean that, so dont worry about being a loner, its just who we are, and if were happy who cares!

Answer 5

You do not sound normal. There are a lot of people that enjoy their privacy, and also family and friends, especially the company of their spouse. I don't think it's because you enjoy being alone so much. I believe it is because you dread being with people. I believe you have social anxiety or maybe even depression. You don't have to feel bad to have depression. One of the symptoms of depression is not able to socialize normally. It might have to do with the domestic traumas you suffered when you were a teenager that caused you to close yourself in. You might think the wound is healed but it is just buried deep inside. And it will never heal until you dig it up and lay it out under the sun for all to see. You might want to seek professional help. It is the first step if you want to be better.

Answer 6

My husband is very much like you, but he works to stay in the "social" circle of family and friends. It's quite funny that your husband says you should not have married...I think the same of my husband sometimes. HOWEVER, we have two wonderful kids that he is totally engaged with and sees his mom on a regular basis (just doesn't want the drama of his siblings).
I was quite enamored with his "aloneness" many years ago, and was thrilled to get to know him...maybe your husband felt the same?
In any event, after 18 years of marriage, we work together quite well and I respect his need for privacy and being by himself at times.

Answer 7

I can kind of relate to your husband since my husband of 2yrs likes to be alone most of the time. He doesn't mind having a few friends over every now and then, but it does bother him when his family comes over especially unannounced. He doesn't mind visiting family since he is very family oriented, but he does not mind being alone. Just because you enjoy your alone time doesn't mean you shouldn't have gotten married. I have learned to enjoy being at home just my hubby and I since we still don't have any kids. I have found it to be very enjoyable and relaxing. When my husband is out in public he gets very anxious and restless he rather pick up something to eat and go home or watch a movie at home. I don't mind since we end up saving money. You are not alone in this, hopefully your hubby learns to understand you, but by nature us women are more understanding than men. Wish you the best.

Answer 8

I don't think it is that unusual. I prefer to be alone myself. My wife and I have been pretty busy raising our children and now find that the kids are gone that we do not have any real friends. We get along ok with our co-workers but outside of her family and my family we have very few people that we know well enough to go visit. And quite frankly I like it that way. I don't need to hear all their sob stories anyway. Even the family get togethers get on my nerves.

Answer 9

It may seem sad to separate yourself from others but it can be explained. A hermit stays by them self only for comfort reasons, but only a socially complete person can either choose being alone or fraternizing with people. In this world society this 'loneliness' is called an anti-social behavior.
Spartawo...

Answer 10

UH OH..the last line caught my attention....YOUR husband said you should not of gotten married????
Do you work??Are you able to support yourself??
Your husband is sending you signals that speak volumes about him feeling so ALONE in this marriage to you.....
Have you considered marriage counseling to discuss "WHY" you socially isolate yourself from the world.... It might help to find an outside counselor to talk to..Remember marriage is a "Partnership" but it sounds like you have SHUT down inside....and need some outside help...