Got any tips for my writing? Here's a chunk:?

Question

“Are you boys ready yet?” Liz asked.
She had spent the whole morning rushing around gathering clothes, making lunches, signing homework, and washing faces. She sighed as she looked at the now ruined house. Everything was yanked from its place and scattered throughout her home.
“Drew, Mitch, Sammy!” she yelled.
“What?” shouted Drew.
“It’s time to go! We are all going to be late!”
“I’m almost ready!”
“Me too!” Mitch shouted
“Sammy are you ready?” asked Liz.
Liz could hear Sammy start to cry. She ran up the stairs, into his room, and found him in tears on the floor. He sat among various items such as: pencils, action figures, shirts, and stuffed animals.
“What’s wrong, Sammy?”
“I don’t know what to do.” Sammy moaned
“Well, what do you think you need to do?”
“I need to get ready for school.” Sammy replied
“Alright. Now what do you need to be ready?” Liz prodded
“Pencils!” Sammy grabbed a handful and shoved them into his backpack.
“Is that it?”
“No. I need my jacket.”

“Here you go, Sammy.” Liz said as she handed Sammy his favorite blue jacket.
“One more thing. I need George!” Sammy yelled.
Sammy grabbed his purple polar bear named George. Gently he placed George inside his backpack. Sammy swung his bag onto his back and marched down the stairs. The rest of the boys followed shortly with bags in tow. They each grabbed their lunches and homework and ran to the car.
With the boys buckled in their seats, Liz could finally pull out. She looked at the clock. It was 8:58. They were going to be late… again. The teachers would complain to the principal, who would call her in for a chat. She would have to explain her situation again. School was a pain in the butt, even after she had graduated.
Liz pulled up in front of the school. It was now 9:10. She helped get the boys out of the car.
“Drew, I want you to behave yourself today.” She said sternly.
Drew nodded and rolled his eyes, a sign that he didn’t intend to. Liz glared at him.

“If I get called in again because of you, you’ll be grounded.”
“Fine! I’ll be good.”
She gave him a kiss on the head and he ran off.
“Good luck on your spelling test, Mitch. I know you’ll do great! You’ve been practicing so hard.”
“Thanks, Liz.” He said as he too got a peck. He walked towards the door reciting his spelling words.
“Sammy, you play fair with the rest of the kids, okay?” She asked.
“Yes ma’am!” he replied.
She kissed him on the cheek and waved goodbye.
“Have a good day, boys! See you after school!” she yelled. She watched as they each disappeared into the school. She hoped that no problems would arise.
It was always tough for her brothers. They were no different from anyone else but they were still treated horribly. They got no respect, no kindness, and no attention that was positive for them. The stories she would hear, the tears that had been shed by her brothers, it was truly horrible.

She would have put them in a different school or taught them at home if she could. The problem was that she was raising them on her own. She didn’t have the time nor could spare the money for a better school for them. Public school would have to do for now.
Liz’s eyes burned with tears. She knew what everyone else was thinking. She wished she could tell the world and that the world would listen to her cries. Her brothers were sweet and smart. They certainly needed her to raise them but they could do plenty on their own. It wasn’t fair to them.

Answer 1

First of all, you need a much stronger opening sentence. That does nothing to drag people into your story. Secondly, too much short, choppy dialogue. Show - not tell. It's like reading a tennis match - back and forth. And half of the time I don't know which one is talking to who. Very hard to get involved in reading something like that. You need to develop your own voice for writing. Write like you speak. Write as though you were sitting in front of me talking to me about Liz and Sammy et al. I can tell you are not writing in your own voice because I seriously doubt you use the word "prodded" in conversation very often. Next, passive tense. She HAD spent the whole morning ... Why not just she SPENT the whole morning ... taking out those hads and haves makes your work much stronger.

It needs a lot of work to be readable. It comes off sounding very dull and juvenile. I also don't see much of a plot. More of a situation than a plot.
----
They're, Their, There - Three Different Words.

Careful or you may wind up in my next novel.

Pax - C

Answer 2

I like the idea and the style of it - it reminds me of something in a book that Danielle Steel would write.

I notice that there's a lot of speech in there - and that became a problem for me whenever I did that in a story...but I suppose it may not be such a big deal. I don't think it would matter all too much either if you're writing a novel.

I think maybe you could be more descriptive. For example, in teh paragraph that starts with, "Liz could hear Sammy start to cry". Perhaps you could say the way Liz felt when she heard this? Disappointed? Annoyed? Her heart sank? Also try to describe how Sammy looked amongst all the rubble, e.g. puffy eyes, red cheeks, miserable, etc.

Other than that, I think you did a great job. Just work on being a little more descriptive and seeing deeper into some of the character's feelings at some parts (though I do especially love the part when
"Drew nodded and rolled his eyes, a sign that he didn’t intend to. Liz glared at him." I think it's really effective and tells a lot about the character!

I love the last part of your writing - this really conveyed how Liz felt, and gave a great picture on her perspective of things. Good job!

Hope this helps!

MollyWobblesSRz

Answer 3

NanoWriMo. It is in the course of the month of November and this is a country wide writing organization you signal up for. The target is to write down 50,000 phrases in a month. I'm now not pronouncing to try this or become a member of, what I'm pronouncing is the idea does not depart room for instant modifying. Plenty of authentic authors say, write first edit later. I'm now not certainly one of them. That does not paintings for me. I open a document return so far as I believe cozy to get again into the second of the tale after which MOVE FORWARD. You had been staring on the sentence you currently have it branded into your brain, what occurs subsequent? In different phrases the sentence shall be there in a further 5000 phrases and through then you definitely could honestly fully grasp why it sucks. It might not be the plot or the individual nevertheless it would possibly not are compatible together with your new type, your new voice, it might not be technically well. Either manner, pass it for now. You see the tale on your head? What occurs after that line? How a ways do you ought to bounce forward to write down once more? If it's the complete finish of the bankruptcy then pull out your cartoon take a few sentences from the cartoon and throw them at the backside of the web page in one more colour, extraordinary font and dimension and are available again to it later. This is what I do. I write romance. I do not constantly believe romantic. So I write 'LOVE SCENE HERE' or 'HAVE BIG ARGUMENT' after which I transfer on. Try it. If it does not paintings then check out whatever else like extra study or a extra particular define. Everyone has methods this is a subject of discovering yours.

Answer 4

It is good as far as it goes.

My only suggestion would be to allow the readers "mind eyes" to do the bulk of the work when describing scenes:

Liz could hear Sammy start to cry. She ran up the stairs, into his room, and found him in tears on the floor. He sat among various items such as: pencils, action figures, shirts, and stuffed animals.

As in the above case, perhaps instead of describing the "various items" you might say: admist the clutter of once clean clothes and toys Sammy sat crying.

I know I did not do that very well. But my point is just a few key words will set the scene for the reader. Too many is just 'clutter' to the reader.

As a child I can remember how my bedroom floor used to look like. So toys covers all the action figures, stuffed animals, cars, guns, coloring books, games, bats, balls, gloves, etc.

Also, learn what your writing strengths are and build around them.

Answer 5

really good idea. Yes, I get the whole concept. She is there sister rearing them for a reason which you must explain later in the book :)
gOOD Luck
Peace out
If you need any more help feel free to e-mail me

Answer 6

Nice opening sentence. Love the story should end it.

Answer 7

is liz their stepparent...lol...cos the kids wood ussually call her mom

Answer 8

it was really nice didnt get bored reading it :)