Husband doesn't work, I'm fed UP!?

Question

My husband doesn't work. At the moment he's going to school and says he can't manage to do both. I on the other hand work full time, go to school full time and volunteer about 10 hours a week. I have to beg him to do anything around the house. At first I was ok with being the only one working but I'm resentful now and he still won't get a job. It's not like I make alot of money, we barely get by. It would be different if we were young kids but he's 42! Along with other issues I've been thinking about getting a divorce. I just don't see a point in being married anymore. I'm the bread winner, I manage all the house details, and sex stopped months ago. I wonder if I'm just staying married to have someone to hug me and be there when I get home. I'm a mess.

Answer 1

He is the one that is a mess! He needs to get off his duff & get a job! You deserve more than a hug & someone just 'being there'! I know you must miss the intimacy as I know I miss having someone to be close to* At least shake him up a bit by telling him you are considering ending the marriage!

Answer 2

This question is hard to answer without additional information. For example-what is your husband studying and when will he be finished? A degree in physics is a lot more difficult and takes a lot more study time than a psychology degree. Not everyone can work full time and go to school. I agree with the other person who mentioned stopping the volunteer work. I'd stop until both you and your husband are done with school. Is your husband trying to get into graduate school? If so grades are very important.

We live in a throw away society. However, marriage is a commitment before God. Try to talk to your husband, see if you can compormise in some way. Maybe he can do some part-time work between semesters. Maybe you can brainstorm some easy jobs where he can work and study. I see parking lot attendents studying on the job a lot.

Also you both won't be in school forever. Things will get easier and your income will increase. I would stay the course and believe for the best. A good Christian counselor may be of help. Some have sliding scale fees or counsel for free. Maybe you could talk to your minister if you have one.

Answer 3

Yup. I did that too, for 8 years. Finally I filed for divorce, and allowed no amount of talking by him to talk me out of it. The divorce went through.

Apparently this really shocked him into action. He began going to school and working both, and was hired as a computer programmer right out of his first semester at school. I waited to see if he was going to go for it, and make a success of his life, and he did. We remarried some months later.

He was always a great dad to the kids, they were only about 6 and 7 when we divorced. So I never denied him seeing them even when it wasn't his visiting time. If he had been a jerk of a father I wouldn't have allowed that, but he was a great dad.

So, we remarried after a few months of me seeing that he really had changed his ways, and now, almost 10 years later, he is still going strong. Kids are almost grown now, and he's done a great job.

That first 8 years were really frustrating and I lost total respect for him during those years. Felt just like you. Why be married if Im the breadwinner, pay the bills, do all the shopping and cooking and cleaning, taking care of the kids, and no sex besides? On the one hand it was great to know that I could do all that with no problem, but on the other hand, his very presence in the house just dragged me down. It was SO much better without him there, for me. I felt FREE.

But then of course he turned around after the divorce and got on the right track, and I slowly gained back my respect for him, and he has done a fantastic job now.

I hope yours turns out like that too, but if not, get yourself free and take back your life. It's a wonderful feeling!

Answer 4

I do have to say that some people have a higher work tolerance than others. I am glad that my husband and I are about the same because otherwise I think that it would be really hard.

My brother works but does nothing else. His fiance works a fulltime job, works a parttime job, cooks all the meals, does the laundry, and cleans the house. I think that at some point she will get tired of doing a larger portion of the work than him but at the same time she is setting the relationship up now with that being the status quo. I think that at some point she will be fed up with it and he won't understand why because she has always been ok with the situation before.

That may be how your husband is. He may not realize how much of a problem this is for you. You two need to talk about a compromise that will work for both of you.

Answer 5

One: step back from volunteering for a week or two. Yes, "they" need your help, but right now you need a break or you are going to work yourself sick, and then you won't be able to help ANYBODY. Feeling resentful to your husband (the man you promised to be with in good times and in bad) is a sign that you doing everything is not working for you, and it's only going to get worse.

Two: SIT DOWN with your husband and tell him everything you are feeling. Turn off the TV and the computer. Set a timer for five minutes and start spewing. Make a conscious effort to keep calm and don't let your voice go above normal conversational levels. When the timer dings, you stop and he gets a turn. You talk until both of you come to some kind of a compromise that you can both live with. If that means you BOTH cut back and go to school only part time for 4 more years instead of full time for 2, and BOTH of you work in the meantime, maybe that's what needs to happen.

Three: Go take a long bubble bath, have a glass of wine, and read a trashy novel. Tell your husband he needs to cook dinner for you two and he'd better make it good. Then you two need to spend a couple of hours talking about GOOD things and remembering that you are there FOR EACH OTHER to lean on, and yes, to have sex with.

Answer 6

Hi honey, sorry to hear about your problem It so reminds me of my ex husband and my unhappy marriage. When we met he had a good business and worked hard. We both worked and he helped around the house a little then. I don't know what happened but not long after we married and had our daughter, he changed. He let his business go and became very lazy but he did find the time and energy to join a religious cult and go out preaching. He got himself the odd casual job which pay him enough to spend on cans of beer for the week. And that was it....that's all he contributed for years. Did nothing around the house, it was all left to me. After 12 years of no change, I had had enough and divorced him. I understand what you mean about becoming resentful. The resentment towards my husband was not healthy.

I hope your husband does change and start to help you out around the house while he isn't employed. Maybe he hopes to finish school and get a decent job. It depends how much you can tolerate. You are earning and can afford to live independently, so you need to ask yourself why you are staying together. You still love him, but can't live with him?
Will he go to marriage counselling with you?

Wishing you good luck with everything x

Answer 7

Best to give a written ultimatum.

Advise him of 1/2 the total monthly expenses...
mortgage/rent
utilities
food
car/transportation expenses.
school/college
etc.,

Take the total amount and add 20% for emergency expenses.

Divide that amount by 2.

TELL him as of today.... you will be responsible for ONLY 1/2 of the expenses, and he will have to find a job, to pay his 1/2.
His payment will be due on ______________, and if his portion of the p[ayment is not there, complete by noon that day, you or he will be moving.

And have a back up plan for you to move to a small inexpensive apt., or with a friend until you can find a place.

If you have a lease...or commitment for your present living situation, please review the lease, and see what it takes to break it...if he refuses to move.

Alternate option is, If you are the only signee on the lease, change the locks, and place his personal belongings in boxes under a tarp, and have the county sherrif be there to advise him that you have asked that he be removed from the premises, and wish that he not return

Good Luck

Answer 8

OK - theres only one way to say this. DITCH THE BASTARD. I had one like that some years ago - it doesnt get better, believe me. You are his mummy, his caretaker, his babysitter. Sex will not resume either - he doesnt view you that way, and likely I bet you are no longer viewing him like that either.
Ask him to be BRUTALLY honest with you - he may find the balls somewhere and just tell you ITS OVER and that hes there because its safe until hes finished studying, although I doubt it.
You can do better - even being on your OWN is better than that. Get a cat who will be waiting inside the front door when you get home and be VERY HAPPY to see you.
Feeling so alone when you are living in a relationship is the WORST feeling Ive ever experienced. THATS what puts 30 kilos on a person.
He may very well be resistant to letting you go - hey you are his lifeline, the breadwinner, etc but Cut the umbilical anyway.
Even now, with my ex, whom I havent been with for a few years now and he lives with and is planning to marry someone else, he STILL from time to time tries to put the bite on me for money! He gets stonewalled. Bye. I dont even want conversation with this jerk. The only thing he is meant to do is (when he can be bothered) collect his daughter and drop her back.
Some of these guys are incorrigible. Just move him along.
For your own sake.

Answer 9

This is the worse, sickness and poorer part of your vows. Remember those? Why does everyone want to cut and run these days when the going gets tough or they get "bored" with life? Remember the day you married him, express your concerns, and seek solutions for yourself if not for the two of you together. What would happen if you suddenly developed cancer, and he was the breadwinner, did all the work, managed the house, and you couldn't give him sex and he said "I don't see the point of being married anymore."??? I don't know what he's in school for, but perhaps that is all he can handle right now. It depends on what he's studying. He IS doing SOMETHING!!

Answer 10

First of all let me say I feel for you. I too went through the same thing with my wife, she wouldnt work or take care of the house at all. WE had a long talk about it and I told her I felt like she was freeloading on my income. Anyways enough about my situation..
Did you both decide that he was going back to school full time? If so then there you go. If not then it is his fault and he needs to "pull his weight" and be more like you and learn how to juggle life. Is his school something that is going to better both of your lifes when he graduates? Is it worth it for him to go full time or can he go part time and still work?
Ask him what life would be like if the shoes were on the other foot. Let him see where you are coming from. If he still refuses to work send him packing and let him live life like he wants. He will either see your point or he will "grow up" and understand.
Maybe suggest to him a separation so he can pay his own way for awhile and understand where you are coming from. Good luck either way!

Answer 11

don't throw in the towel just yet. No doubt you are carrying all the water from the well but there is always hope. I feel for you and the load you are piling on yourself and he should feel the same.

Try having a serious conversation with him (avoid accusations, harsh statements, any kind of elevation of tension) just talk. Let him know exactly how you feel, share your thoughts of divorce, let him know it is not a threat but you want him to understand how desperate you feel about his lack of input. Be willing to work out a deal, he works 6 months then you work 6 months. Anything that offers a solution and evens the responsibilities. Listen to his reasons openly as well for his actions, there may be good reasons for some of it. If you need him to contribute more and wants to do no more then there is middle ground there. The trick is to define that middle ground and meet there. If he will agree to changes set realistic time frames and hold him to them. Be prepared to see it through. Weather it works out from there or not you will be able to say you provided reasonable options and be able to feel good about giving it your best effort. Best of luck to you.