What can I do? My son is not treating his wife and stepchildren kindly.?

Question

They've been married 2 years. I never want to be an interfering mother-in-law, but I hate to see his marriage end because of his attitude. He told me that since he works hard 12 hours a day to support them, that he should be able to have things the way he wants them. In other words, be the boss. Since they were married, his wife who I a real sweet girl, has lost most of her sight from a congenital eye disease and cannot drive or see to read, etc. Instead of being kinder to her, he is making her feel guilty that she cannot use her degree in business admin. He is extremely strict with the children, the boy likes to read fantasy books which my son thinks will influence him badly so he has forbidden them. He is always laying down "his" laws and being very controlling. He is very stubborn and has always been that way. He will not talk things out in a rational way. His way has to be right. Should I just leave this alone and not interfere? Or should I try to think of a way to help

Thank you for responding to my problem...I am getting some good ideas from most of you. Lasr night I tried to talk to my son and in a kind but firm way I told him that to show love, patience and kindness was so important. He got very angry, said he knew his wife had been confiding in me behind his back which he would not tolerate. He said "you will say something that will poison her against me", He said it would be better if I didn't call if I can't support him in his desire to straighten out his wife and stepkids. I told him they all needed to be in counselling as things cannot go on this way, but he yelled that he has no time, all he does is work, work, work to provide the basics. I ended up crying and said "I love you but not the way you are treating K and the kids." I hung up and couldn't stop crying I felt so helpless.
By the way, his dad is not overbearing at all, he is mild mannered and easy-going so I wonder if B. is trying to be the opposite to his father.

Answer 1

It's between the couple these issues. Don't step in and offer advice. If your son or daughter in law is talking to you about these issues just listen and don't give your opinion. It could come back to haunt you.

I am a step parent myself. It is not his role to determine what is appropriate for this child to read and what isn't. It's the mothers job to disapline and determine what is appropriate and your son is just going to have to live with that. It's not his child. It's up to the biological mother and father to deem what is appropriate. He can be a friend and support to the mom but not the disciplinarian. There are going to be things he is going to disagree with on how this kid is raised. Even as a step parent with a kid under his roof. It's not his rules when it comes to the child. It's the mothers rules.

If you witness this controlling abusive behaviour then you need to document it in a book. The date, time and incident. That way if anything happens these incidents are documented.

If you witness something then absolutly give your disapproval at the time of incident. If you just step in you are just going to look like you putting your nose where it doesn't belong. Issues between a couple are for them to work out.

Your son sounds like he is under alot of pressure I would recommend that you tell him that he and his wife need to seek a family cousellor to work out their issues of finances, her working, his role as a step parent the next time he speaks up about this issue.

Just because your husband is a quiet man doesn't mean your son will be. There are so many influences in the world that make a person you really can't say it was one thing or another that has made him this way. Yes as parents you have a huge role in his life as to the man he is but it's not just your influence in the world. It takes a village to raise a child. Don't put it on yourself that this is why he turned out this way.

You are his mother/father first and second is your daughter in law. The next time your daughter in law speak to you about these issues you have to tell her that you are very sorry she is in this situation and that it's nice knowing that she sees you as a close enough friend that she can come to you and speak to you about these issues. However tell her it's not your place to be in the middle of their relationship or to knw these kinds of details. It's very upsetting to your son as he feels as though the two of you together are plotting behind his back. You need to encourage her to talk to someone other then yourself...a counsellor or a friend. She can go on her own if your son isn't willing. She has to find a way to deal with these issues without involving you because you are still your son's mother and it will make for bad blood. She really is disclosing information to you that she should be speaking about to a friend or counsellor not you.

The way you can support your daughter in law is by being there for her in other ways. If she needs to go speak to a friend or needs to get out of the house you can support her buy babysitting or driving her to appointments. However the details of what goes on between her and your son should not to be disclosed to you.

Answer 2

Sadly, there's not much you can do. You can sit him down and tell him that you are disappointed in how he treats his family and why, but don't expect much response. Just talking to him is not an interfering MIL.

As to the wife, unfortunately, she has to realize that 1) she CAN use her degree, blind people do it all the time; and 2) she doesn't have to accept his treatment.

A person like the son you describe is not really going to change. It's up to wife to decide she & kids deserve better. You could suggest this to her but there could be a bad falling-out between you & son's family if you do.

In the meantime, continue being a sweet grandmother - the kids need to know how other adults act.

Answer 3

I think as your son you should be able to sit him down and talk some since into him. If he does not respect you then why would he respect his wife? Also, is his dad around? If so get him involved and all 3 of you sit down and have a long talk about how you feel about his situation and how hes acting. It sounds to me that he is a control freak and if not dealt with soon could lead to abuse (toward his wife and/or the kids). If he refuses to talk to you about it then you might have to take more drastic measures, such as making him realize what he has by taking it away from him for a while. Get his wife and kids to go away for a week without telling him where they are, maybe scare some since into the man. As far as him not wanting his kids to read the fantasy books, depending on their age, thats his choice. Thats just like some parents not letting their kids watch R rated movies and other parents not caring at all what their kids watch. Also, next time he lays down a law and you know that he is wrong about it, confront him. Ask him how that way is best for what ever he is trying to do etc...

Answer 4

If it comes to a divorce, you will not be seeing the wife and child again, since your son is going to be tagged as abusive. I cannot believe he is on her case about her blindness - what a horrible creature he is! And his son can't read a Fantasy novel? Does your son need medication?
If his job is so exhausting, they need to try living within their means better. It sounds like the source of your son's frustration is that he was expecting to have a more luxurious lifestyle than his famiy's circumstances allow. So he works like a dog in pursuit of this ellusive lifestyle. He should work on his family's well-being first. So maybe they should not spend the money on cable TV or they can get a smaller place. The wife could possibly start a career path suitable for someone who is sightless, the sight she has would make it easier for her to pick up the skills faster before she loses her eyesight completely. So she could learn to write by touchtypiing, or learn to play music and teach it, or learn and teach languages to others - there are plenty of ways for someone who has little or no eyesight to make some income. And it sounds like she needs this skill, because if she is being abused, even emotionally, she will end up in a shelter for abused families someday, so she needs a means of support now.

Answer 5

Your son is abusive. Emotionally, and more than likely physically too. In fact it's pretty much guaranteed that he is beating his kids and possibly his wife too.

Either you talk him into getting counselling to get rid of his abusive behaviour or advise the wife to leave him. I sure hope she has saved up some funds on her own where he doesn't know about it, and has family or friends she can stay with.

His father was this way too, right? Or you were? For sure, he is raising his sons to turn out like that. If they understand that it's wrong, they might turn out ok, but if not (because no adult has acted as a "saving adult" in their lives) then they are almost sure to become abusive fathers and husbands themselves. Is that what you want? Generations of kids and wives abused? That's how it works.

Get him into counselling, or get the wife and kids into counselling to deal with the abuse and hopefully their way out of there if he will not change. And that's a BIG "if", and it needs to be done NOW.

Answer 6

There is no excuse for the mistreatment of the family what 's happening is hes wanting the best for his family but feels trapped and like he's going nowhere and the long hours just makes the disposition worse he needs to cut the overtime for a while and seek professional help from psychologist , doctor or clergy and relax and talk to the family about what is on his mind . In my first marriage I kept my mouth shut and occasional went on a rampage worked overtime soon I no longer was in love with my wife but stayed with her till her death out of guilt and what I thought to be a morale obligation .
My wife had a gambling problem and the kids did what they wanted , my wife didn't do any house work if it was done I did it . What I should have done was to have set down many years earlier and attempted to work things out and have voice my concerns but no I chose to be silent mouse except for an occasional tirade and burst of violent anger . yes I'm an abusive person also but you learn by mistakes and learn through talking , listing and work things can be better.

Answer 7

Hi there....
Well, this is a tricky situation.

Most people will tell you to stay out of it; but if you really think he's wrong and making others unhappy, I guess you could try talking to him -as his mother, not as a judge.

I think offering your support to his wife and children could help, too. (She must be very sad and stressed out about all of this; perhaps she even feels guilty that she is sick!)

I guess you could also consider going to a therapist and asking him/her for help or tips on how to approach your son.

There are certain limits that cannot be crossed, and he is an adult. But you still have a certain degree of "say" in his life since he's your son. A trained psychologist or your pastor or priest can help you choose the right words so you can talk to him without making him blow up.

Good luck, and be careful. The whole idea here is to try to help out, not to make things uglier or worse.

Answer 8

See if you can help his wife find a job with some local blind services. If she has a business degree, she can likely do SOMETHING with her degree with some help from modern technology and a local job placement/disability services office.

I'm not making excuses for him, because he sounds like he's being a jerk, but maybe he's feeling overwhelmed by having to do a lot more than he signed on for. At the very least, if your daughter in law has gainful employment, she has a way to provide for herself should your son not change his bad attitude. If she is working, maybe they can afford to hire someone to take on some of the responsibility he's been shouldering like yard work, repairs, etc.

And they should probably go to counseling, because she is still his wife and she is his equal, not his child.

Answer 9

He is a grown man who will have to take responsibility for his own actions. Of course no one wants their child to suffer. And if we can prevent them from making a big mistake, we try to help. That being said, if he respects you, then you should try to talk to him. Although it would probably be better if he could have a man to man talk with someone else he respects. He doesn't realize that the better he treats his wife, the better she'll treat him. His family life would be so much better if he wasn't a tyrant. Illustrate that he wouldn't like it if his supervisor at work treated him that way. Sure he's the boss, but he would still want respect and not to be talked to like a child.

Also, he may be mad at the fact she lost her eyesight. True, it's not her fault, but it still can make him angry at the situation. We can't control how we feel sometimes.

I hope it works out.

Answer 10

Sounds to me like you feel guilty for raising such an abusive son. I would do the wife and her children a favour and call Children's Protective Services, as, yes, your son is abusing his wife and stepchildren.
You could also contact the children's father, if he is a fit father, to see if he could take custody of the children if the wife won't leave your son.
Good luck.

Answer 11

Its horrible that your son chooses to be a 'bad husband' instead of a good one. He should be supporting his wife, not making her feel worse about her disease. After all, she didn't ask to have it. I believe he needs some sort of counseling to deal with his issues. If he isn't willing to go through counseling then divorce is the only other option. And sadly, your daughter in law will be better off. Also, you may want to make sure that you express your feelings to your daughter in law as well, so she isn't left in the dark about all this, and show her that you support her. Good luck!