He lies about small things and never keeps his promises. Should I just face the fact that I don't trust him and go on or get divorced? I've caught him red handed, just last night in fact he lied about still smoking. He supposedly stopped a year ago and I've smelled smoke before but he always swore he wasn't and last night at 3am when he thought i was sleeping i woke up and caught him. He thinks it's no big deal and wants to know how long i'll be mad. It's not what he lies about as much the fact that he does it and apologizes and thinks that solves everything. I've tried talking to him about it but it doesn't make a difference. I'm at my ropes end.
2007-11-26 06:33:34 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Lying is a really good topic. Its strange that in society today, most of us know about popular lying dysfunctions such as ‘pathological’ lying, but we’re usually in denial about the motivations behind nuts and bolt, everyday lying. I don’t know if you noticed this, but you said, “Should I just face the fact that I don't trust him ?” But you never once said that you didn’t love him which suggests that all isn’t lost.
Lets get pathological lying out of the way. In brief, the person cannot stop himself from lying because it happens compulsively and without much reason except that this is just the way the person lives .The person can get the necessary therapy. If this really is the case, getting back to normal takes time, but if you’re committed, then you’ll just be supportive. Pathological lying should be cared for by a health care professional, but I don’t think that this is your problem.
In relationships and especially long ones, people build habits over time. One totally natural habit is learning how your partner will react to a piece of news. This is normal, but when you think that your partner is going to react adversely, you start to develop a hesitance to the truth and that grows into a habit of lying about sensitive topics. Fear of a partner’s reaction is a huge factor in someone’s lying and should be examined carefully. You may slam the hammer on him every time you hear something you don’t like, and if you do, just think of how unpleasant it could be for him to tell you the truth. To NOT do this, takes a lot of work.
Firstly, in order not to react in this way, you’ll need to accept him. Accepting him is important because if your husband is going to feel comfortable telling you ANYTHING, then you need to feel comfortable hearing ANYTHING. This is harder than is seems. Over time, everything changes about a person. Beliefs, values, sexual tastes, endurance for stress, everything. Accepting him will take a lot of self-preparation on your part. You’ll need to understand that even though he has the same name as the guy you met, he’s a totally different person from those first few years. You’ll need to practice always thinking of him as ‘a whole other person’. This almost goes without saying, but if you accept that he’s a totally different person, then you’ll have to be openminded as to how things unfold.
A lot of silly things we do are reactions to other things. Smoking is one of them. Its very individual, but generally speaking, smoking can be a reaction to stress or a way of getting a few minutes of freedom, even reflection in the middle of a busy life. Sometimes its a socializing ritual. And here’s a good one – sometimes, you just want to do something, smoking or not, in rebellion. Sometimes you want to do something wrong because you’re told that you shouldn’t. If you accept him for who and what he is, you’ll find it easier to let him quit on his own terms – when and even IF he wants to. Yeah this is a gamble, but you’ve already tried pressuring him and he wakes up in the middle of the night to take a drag. Short of screwing a camera, smoke detector and GPS into the back of his head, there aren’t many options left. Hopefully, you’ll one day have the satisfaction of seeing him quit and quit for good.
Stress is very hard to deal with on a long-term bases. People need their ‘de-stressors’. If your husband plans to give up smoking in the future, maybe the joy of a new, but healthy distraction would get him to quit sooner. You know what he’s into, so you’ll know what to encourage him with.
I don’t mean to take it easy on him. He’s also got to be open to seeing you in a new light and start applying himself in truth-telling, but I’m sure that’ll happen. You sound unhappy with him, but I think you still love him.
2007-11-26 11:51:06 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Yes, you are right - little white lies add up. My question to you is this... do you still love him?
Divorce is a ugly battle of the sexes. Sounds like you might have a list of things he can't and can do. My husband dips and I hate it. REALLY HATE IT but I accept that he does it and agreed that there is a certain time and place.
Trust is one of the easiest things to loose and hardest things to gain. Even if you get a divorce, will you be able to trust your next mate? Only you can answer this question.
If he is not cheating on you and is good to you then try to work through the lying. Tell him you are at your ropes end and let him know you are thinking that a divorce has crossed your mind. If he truly loves you, then he will want to work this through.
2007-11-26 06:44:35 · answer #2 · answered by Amber B 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
THE BEST ANSWER>
My theory is you have a bigger issues then the smoking. In a marriage you make compromises, not idle thereat of leaving if the other will not heed.
Obviously he is stressed, and so are you. The adult thing to do is to go to counseling. Don’t nag at him, this only separated you further.
You can not force some one do what you want them to do..
Hiding an addiction don’t not necessarily make him a liar. Get professional help.
That way you can address the other problems YOU may have.
2007-11-26 06:46:29 · answer #3 · answered by LandRover 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
One of the most important things in any relationship regardless is trust. You have to be able to know that you can trust the other person with your feelings, your fears, your emotions. To him it doesn't seem like a big deal but if you've brought it up to him time after time and nothing has changed, it's time to sit down and really think about your marriage. Maybe try couple therapy before going to the extreme of getting a divorce.
2007-11-26 06:39:24 · answer #4 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
This is getting blown out of portion, some of these people here who's telling you to leave more than likely wouldn't leave themselves. Your husband probably lied too dodge a fight, which is very common. Especially if he's already getting a vibe from you or he may be thinking that you may stare on him and lied. It could be anything, you don't get married just to get a divorce. You have to fight for it and work on it, nothing is ever going to be lovely forever.
2007-11-26 07:23:13 · answer #5 · answered by shavone c 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh Wow, let me tell you a little story, I was married for 6 years, we were together for 10. It was absolutely horrible. He was always lying. About stupid and completely useless things. Everything was a lie. Then he'd give me a promise, he of course wouldn't keep it. Then he'd lie about giving me a promise or why he didn't keep it. We ended up arguing for days over everything.
It ate me up inside. It killed my soul. Until eventually I just left him and filed for divorce.
It was the best thing I ever did. I still have casual contact with him and he still lies to me.
I'm newlywed now, and sometimes I can't help accuse my new husband of lying even though he doesn't!
I went to counseling and was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder.
The lying is long term abuse. It's nothing physical but it leaves mental scars for a long time!
I would suggest counseling, but having been in the situation all I have to say is "run girl, run as fast as you can"
Good luck to you!
2007-11-26 06:46:20 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
If you don't have kids... it's easy to walk away.
If your have kids then things are a little tougher.
Don't make ultimatums, but do be serious - no yelling... but quite conversation about his lies. Tell him he must accept counselling to figure out why he lies all the time. Tell him you can't handle it any more. Tell him if he decides against trying counselling, you will have to decide for yourself what is best for you.
Do NOT do this until after speaking with a lawyer to determine what you can take with you if you separate. Have all your ducks in a row before the last action.
good luck
2007-11-26 06:43:02 · answer #7 · answered by teritaur 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
No, you should not divorce him because he is still smoking.
Non smokers like us simply do not understand how powerful the addiction is. It is going to take many attempts before he finally does kick the addiction of smoking.
Even if he never quits, divorcing him because of it should not be an option. You knew he was a smoker before the wedding. So now why do you have the right to divorce him because if it?
Good luck, for better or for worse.
2007-11-26 06:39:58 · answer #8 · answered by box of rain 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Why is it so easy to get married but hard to maintain? You have no reason to get a divorce unless your husband is cheating on you and from what I read he isn't. He's a liar and I think you knew that before you married him. You probably thought you could change him.. A divorce for no reason other than cheating is consider failure. If a person really loves a person and you have God in your life divorce wouldn't be a result.
2007-11-26 07:05:04 · answer #9 · answered by KSR 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
He wants to know how long you will remain mad so he can avoid the real issue you have with this.. that he is basically dishonest with you. Tell him you are not angry but that the two of you could benefit from careful counseling .
God bless your marriage.
2007-11-26 06:48:49 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋