I didn't meet my husband until I was 35 and I thought I was making the right decision marrying him because he is a great guy and treats me well. I liked him immediately as a person and while there was no lust at first it did grow within the first few months. However, now we've been together 4 years (married 3) and the lust has dissappeared so we don't have great sex to hold us together. We still have sex, but I don't really have much of a sex drive anymore. We also don't have much in common I noticed, and while he's still a nice guy who treats me well and cares for me, I find that I'm unhappy with our differences and angry at his attempts to change me to be more like him. I DON'T WANT TO DIVORCE and don't think divorce is a solution that should be used when you make a vow that should be forever. I want to work it out and want serious advice only. I need to know how to be satisfied with my life as it is, or what I can do to build up my love and sex drive for him? Anyone ever been there?
2007-11-26 06:31:44 · 19 answers · asked by stripedbook 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I've been married for 21 years. After the first few years the lust also wore off as it often does in marriages, but over the years we have developed a deeper, more caring love for each other that is lasting. We also dwell on the things we do have in common and we learn to care about the other person's passions even though we may not share those passions. Many women would die to have a man who treated them the way you say your husband treats you. You can do romantic things that can bring a different type of passion into your marriage. Sex is important too. Try some new things. It is best to work on your marriage, not wait for things to happen. You also don't indicate that you have found anyone who you consider the "right" person. I would not trade my marriage for anything and it has been through some of the same things your marriage is going through now.
2007-11-26 06:46:10 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
Well, it sounds as though whatever you suggest, your husband would go along with it. Try rekindling those feelings by going out and doing some of the things you did when you two were dating. Throw some hints at him, to let him know that you think the marriage needs a little spice added. Try having something set up for him when he walks in the door from work, like a nice hot bath running with some wine and candles. Prepare his favorite meal for him and tell him this is a day all about you, stroke his ego a little. Also, be sure to let him know in a nice (non nagging/ non complaining way) that you miss the things you used to do.
There's plenty you can do. I also agree with you, that divorce is not the answer. Do "everything" you can do to make your marriage work, that way if it does have to end... at least you can make a decision about your marriage knowing that you have literally done all you can do.
2007-11-26 06:54:57 · answer #2 · answered by kskate2jbs 4 · 0⤊ 2⤋
I'd suggest you go to counseling- alone.
Try to find out what issues you have and try to work on them.
You will never be happy if you realize you are not happy now- yet do nothing to solve the problem. Lack of sex drive is, IMO, just the tip of the iceberg. You should try to find out WHAT is making you feel like this...and you will have to evaluate your relationship as objectively as possible.
Lack of desire can have many origins: you may be hormonally imbalanced, or sick, or depressed. Visit your doctor and rule these possibilities out. If there is nothing wrong with you physically, then it's time to visit a therapist because chances are you feel this way because you have emotional issues.
We cannot expect others to make us happy, either. Happiness is a choice, and you must look for help so you can find it. Good luck!
2007-11-26 06:42:47 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
I'm going through the same thing. I've been married for 7 years and hold the same values as you do. My husband now moved out and I have been contacted by people from my past who were in my life. My husband has been very mean and nasty towards me and now I'm dealing with it one day at a time. I wish you the best of luck. Your husband sounds like a great guy. Did you try a marriage counsellor?
2007-11-26 07:08:23 · answer #4 · answered by mercgirlz 1 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Truly everyone who has been married has thought that question at some point. In marriage, it is not up to the other person to make us happy - our happiness and satisfaction - in every area of life depends on us. We can feed into negativity or be content with the good things...you say your husband is a nice guy and treats you well - If you look at most of the questions on this forum, not many people can say that. In my opinion about sex, sex is about YOU letting your own body feel every single sensation and letting yourself go in the moment. It's learning to be completely in tune with your body and having nothing else on your mind at that moment. Your marriage is not even near doomed to failure...you've simply just hit a little bored patch. It will pass and for now, if you feel bored, you could consider taking up a new hobby, class, new friends - something to challenge your mind towards your own unique personal growth :-) I feel you are doing perfectly fine.
2007-11-26 06:47:36 · answer #5 · answered by Dana C 4 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Well, sex for both men and women, but especially women, is much better if you feel good about the person you are having sex with. You mentioned that your husband is trying to change you - you probably feel resentment toward him over this and as a result do not feel like being intimate with him.
Tell him how you feel, then tell him what you'd like to change. See how he reacts. He sounds like a decent guy, perhaps he will respect you for you and your sexual feelings for him might come back.
2007-11-26 06:39:05 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
A couple of suggestions to read for you.
The Relationship Cure, by John Gottman
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Also by John Gottman
and the classic by Dr Phil...Relationship Rescue
Marriage is work. The hot love bit... usually dissipates after a while... BUT that doesn't mean the marriage is dead. IT means you're taking it for granted. Good for you for wanting to try and make things work. It will
Good luck
2007-11-26 06:40:04 · answer #7 · answered by teritaur 5 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Well think about what kinds of things turn you on... if its the same old routine in the bedroom, of course it's going to get boring. Try new tricks, whatever turns you on! Some ideas could be more foreplay, buy sexy lingerie, role play, buy toys, play sex games, or watch porn together.... I don't know, everyone is different. You can make it work.
2007-11-26 06:41:37 · answer #8 · answered by Betty 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Now the honeymoon phase of your marriage is over. This is where real marriage sets in. What differences do you have? Are you sure he's trying to change you? Maybe he'd just like it if you participate in some of the things he does, and he can participate in some of the things you do. As far as sex goes, start getting creative.
2007-11-26 06:40:46 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
You are lucky to be with a nice man who treats cares loves u sex isnt be all & end all of a relationship if u cant take care of urself physically.It will be this way when u turn old later in life.
2007-11-26 06:45:51 · answer #10 · answered by extrememotionz 1 · 0⤊ 2⤋