husband has an affair with my best friend?

Question

I am forty six years, and married for 22 years. Recently I have found that my husband been unfaithful to me with my best friend. This is been going on since April. He gets irritated for any reason, and argues with me, not to do anything around the house. So few times I confronted him with my anger, and he denied there was anything between both of them. Finally, he mentioned to me she been calling him and talking to him about their family issues and all the negative things about her husband. (Which I never new it before)I noticed that they been on the phone for average 5-6 hours a day. His argument is that they never had any sexual relation, just communications over the phone and email. His excuse is as long as they didn't have any sexual relation, they are not doing anything wrong. Then, why they both hide from their spouses. She came to a point that she could not live one day without hearing his voice. Even, when we went to vacation for a week, they both used to call each other

Answer 1

This sounds completely inappropriate to me. This is your friend. She has no business confiding in your husband without your knowledge. Your husband has no business speaking to her without your knowledge. I gage my behavior on the simple rule of treating people the way you want to be treated. I put myself in my husbands shoes. If I would get upset about the situation if it was in reverse I would not do it to him. If he had any respect for you and your marriage it would not have gone this far. In my opinion, a nonsexual affair is worse than if he was sleeping with her. If your best friend is having problems with her husband she needs to discuss them with her husband and not yours. If you want to stay with your husband, you two need to sit down and figure out what went wrong in the relationship. Get an open communication going. You probably need to end the friendship or you will always wonder in the back of your mind if they "started up" again.

Answer 2

Dear Wife of a 22 year old marriage,

First of all stop reading the rest of the answers and go stand in front of the mirror and say to yourself " I'm worth more than this! I am an intelligent beautiful person and no one can ever take that away from me!" Then you need to sit and do some soul searching. I have read everyones comments and they all give very good advise with one underlined commonality... " cheating is cheating regardless of whether it has become physical or emotional. I agree that he has been able to get through this emotionally and conscience wise thru justifying the situation by calling themselves friends. The fact is this friendship has blossomed into a weed that is literally choking your heart with doubt and threatening your marriage. Like with all weeds it has to be plucked out. Often times we as women have to find the grey shade in things to help us better understand what is just plainly black and white. You have woken up and plain as day you know he is having an emotional affair with someone who was never really your friend. Even weeds have pretty flowers and can't easily be distinguished until they start killing your garden. You have loved a man for 22 years and he is seeking another womans comfort and friendship. You are worth more and you need to see that. You deserve a man who is crazy about you and seeks your friendship, comfort and advise. A man who wants to be your everything, not someone elses! Divorce isn't my suggestion, but you both need some separate space to evaluate this situation clearly. Don't gloss it over or you will regret it. Maybe with space he will realize what he has done and decide to end the affair on a different perspective. Healing doesn't happen overnight, but you can at least find a fresh start either with him or without him.
Sincerely,
A.S.

Answer 3

Friend in need is a must. Problem doesn't come out easy. Think back when you have problem about your husband in the past 22 year. Do you talk to him about everything? If so do you ONLY talk to HIM? The answer is no, we all want a different person to talk with. Normally the opposite sex. Calling and talking doesn't mean they are having an affair. My wife was watching tv the whole day while I wash the car and ran on the tredmill for 3 hours. That is a total of 4 hours. She didn't care what I was doing, well she did but liked her tv show more.
See the communciation problem I have to. I do want to talk about it, but then it just ends up being silent with her in the room.
So we are need our friends to talk with from time to time. If this become a daily thing, that mean they have become very good friends. That's all. Don't worry to much.

Answer 4

Men have a hard time understanding that an affair of the heart does not have to be physical. He is having an emotional affair with her.

Your husband and friend are seeking each other for emotional support and trying to fulfill something they feel they are not getting at home.

You have both been married 22 years, get marriage counseling to work this out.

Good luck.

Answer 5

This is just my opinion, but I think you need a new best friend and husband. She should be telling you things if she's your bf. Granted there is nothing wrong with them talking, however if they both can't stand not being able to talk to each other while your away on vacation, something is too fishy! Good luck in your decision.

Answer 6

Are you sure that he has had an affair with this woman? It sounds like they have been confiding in each other in regards to issues within their own marriages, but to say they have had an affair is a stretch. Of course you could argue that he has had an "emotional affair" (whatever that is), and you feel cheated on by that, but the one issue you need to breach with him is why hasn't he discussed these things with you. Don't accuse him of anything and simply start a conversation with him. If you aren't communicating with him then it is both of your faults.

Answer 7

This is not your best friend. If she was , she would never even think of doing this.
Sounds like you really have to talk to her which should not be a problem if she IS your friend. I would let her know what she is doing is so wrong . And then I would settle it with the husband.
there is so much here to talk about , there just isn't enough space.
But this has to end. If they want to be together , leave him and let him go to her.
I am sorry , but I would talk to her husband and let him know. Desperate times -desperate measures . and it isnt fair you are the only one loosiing sleep over this. but thats just me.

Answer 8

If he hasn't screwed her yet it's heading that route. And stop calling her your BF no real friend interferes with a friends marriage.
People who have nothing to hide, Hide nothing! Remember turnabout IS fair play. How would they like it if you and her husband all of a sudden became "CLOSE FRIENDS" ? Even if it's not physical yet it's still called Emotional Cheating. Just be care. Good Luck!

Answer 9

If he hasn't gotten sexual yet, if he keeps this up, it's headed that way eventually. Sounds like he is deep in an emotional affair, which are based on a fantasy, responsibility free relationship. They don't have to deal with the real problems in their lives, she isn't having to pick up his stinky socks, etc! He doesn't have to deal with her bills, etc!

Got to wonder how they find the time. Both of them are taking emotional energy from their marriages, keeping secrets from their spouses and betraying trust of their families. Leading a secret second life takes lots of time and energy. They have to delude themselves and are trying to rationalize behavior that they deep down know are wrong. They start rewriting the marital history and make the spouse the villain to make themselves feel more justified. His irritability and withdrawal are classic of a spouse having an affair.

Have you confronted this so called ex best friend? She sure is NOT a friend of yours! She wouldn't be playing this game with YOUR husband if she was. Think about letting her husband in on this deception.

He needs to get his priorities straight. He is damaging his MARRIAGE for this 'friendship'. If he is saying things to her he wouldn't want you or her husband to hear, then it is inappropriate. What is more important? It's inappropriate for her to be talking to another man about complaints about her spouse. It's actually very personal and disrespectful. It's also a high risk behavior that can often lead to very inappropriate behavior.

Draw the line and let him know what your boundaries are! He needs to end this, so does the Other woman. I

Get the cell phone bills and figure out just how much they talk. Look to see if he roams to places you are not aware of. Check credit card bills, debit statements for charges you have no knowledge of.

Sorry, he is trying to bluff you with his crap about it's not wrong if there is no actual sex yet. Odds are the talk is sexual by this point. I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate it if YOU carried on this way with another man!

Resources
A few good books:
"Not Just Friends" by S. Glass
“Surviving an affair” by Dr. W. Harley
“After the Affair” by Springs
A yahoo group that has many helpful articles and links in FILES. Not a good support board, not very active. But, loads of stuff in files. Simple to join.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AffairsTalk/
A few other helpful sites:
http://www.dearpeggy.com/
http://marriagebuilders.com/
http://betrayedspouse101.tripod.com/
http://www.beyondaffairs.com/
http://peterfox.com.au/index.html
A few good support forums for those dealing with infidelity. Lots of helpful people who have been through this trauma.
http://www.lifesaviors.com/SI/
http://survivinginfidelity.com/
An ebook written for the wayward spouse to help them understand what they need to do to rebuild from the damage they created:
http://www.aftertheaffair.net/
Some marriage weekend programs:
http://www.retrouvaille.org/
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi011_dates.html

Answer 10

even if they aren't having sex or he says e-mailing or talking on the phone to another women behind your back is a form of cheating, and then to hide it from you well well, what do you really think is going on here? THEY ARE HAVING SEX! bottom line, and why does your husband get soooo angery when you ask about it? hmm divorce the dirty rat and go on with your own life don't waste anymore time and find a nice guy, ( your husband sounds like my b/f & i'm thinking my self what to do) good luck