My husband is going through a rough spell at work, little money coming in - which we have been there before, I know things are going to get better and I am as stressed as he is and I work too. So lately he has been very disinterested in the bedroom and seems to be turned off if I come on to him. Never had this problem before - used to have to fight him off. Like this weekend he was remodeling the bathroom and I tried to help but he became frustrated because he messed it up. He snapped at me and I brushed it off. Then at the end of the day I tried to flirt/mess with him and he just couldn't be bothered. My feelings were hurt and it turned into a big fight and him telling me to go **** myself, "What do you want from me" and "if you can't accept me just leave me". And all I wanted was a little attention. Then when I back off and give him time to think he is all over me, which was what I wanted in the first place! I keep doing the same thing expecting a different result. Please advise me!
2007-11-26 04:53:37 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Well, since he is not here asking the question, I will focus on what you can do as opposed to what he can do (since after all that is the part you are in full control of).
There are a few areas here I think things could have gone a lot smoother with some changes from your side.
1. I know that when you started to flirt/play with him he clearly was not "in the mood." Perhaps some of what needed to change here is how you went about this, I know when I am grumpy and feeling overall disenchanted with the world my wife has some things that she can do/say that is likely to get me to give in a little bit and I will respond positively. Perhaps when you approached your husband you were being too direct and he just needed a little bit more attention to get him out of his shell while you were being a bit too direct.
Of course, from the other side of things, my wife also knows the signs when she is trying to get me out of my shell that sometimes I am "unreachable." We all have times where we just want to be left alone and maybe this was just one of those times. While you should push the issue a little bit to see if you can entice him out of his shell (he will thank you for it later), if that doesn't work you should respect that boundary and give him some space/time to work out of it himself.
2. The biggest thing that stands out here from your side is the reaction to his not being into the mood. While I certainly understand your feelings about being hurt and rejected by him not responding to your overtures (no matter how old we are or how long you are together we all can feel like teenagers when it comes to being rejected in sex). I think that you escalating this issue was not conducive to either of you and was not a good idea. We are all not in the mood sometimes and that doesn't mean that we are not attracted to you or in love with you.
3. Finally, the two of you obviously need to talk about this. Of course, that is MUCH easier said than done because as we all know it is VERY hard to talk about sex and how you are happy/unhappy with the sex you are having/not having. However, this is clearly something the two of you need to communicate about and get out of the way. One of the things my wife and I talked about was that sometimes it would be best if she just came out and said what she wanted, rather than trying to "coax" me into something if I am not in the mood. It is also helps to take on a more "giving" role early on to help the other person get going and into the act even if it might not be reciprocated in that encounter it will be sure to come back strongly in the future :)
If sex were easy we would all be having a lot more of it, unfortunately sex is a lot harder than the old put tab a in slot b and you have to really work at it to keep it working for both partners :)
PS. Never underestimate a man's need to be a "bread winner" tying into his self esteem. While you are worried and stressed about it, he is feeling a lot more than just stress about not providing for his family. He is feeling a lot less "manly" right now because of this and it is not at all surprising that it is affecting his libido, so don't assume that you are going through the "same" thing he is. This will affect him in different ways than it affects you, the more you try to understand that I think the better you will be able to work through it with him.
2007-11-26 05:16:12 · answer #1 · answered by JA in SC 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think it's a bad idea to live together before marriage only because when all your nasty little habits start to surface and you get on each others nerves in a big way it's makes it easier to leave. The first year is the hardest and without that most important piece of paper that makes living together much more meaningful and special. It's not as easy to walk away as it would be without it. Plus why buy the cow when you get all the milk you want free. I had my own apartment for 3 years and i loved living on my own sure there were lonely times but over all it was an experience everyone should have before marriage I definitely agree with your boyfriend. Been married 29 years now and it ain't bad.
2016-05-26 00:31:06 · answer #2 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have had this problem before. When my husband is stressed, or has problems, or feels like he isn't giving me the best he can, we often don't "do the deed." But, I have learnt that he is very tired when he gets home, because he works so hard.
As for the fighting, the reason he may seem frustrated is because he is stressed, or that he may have an apiphany, which is a conflict with someone or something else but may take his frustration out on you.
If he is the type that does this, there is nothing you can change about him, that is just the way he is. You need to ask him if this is just him, if that is who he is. Because, if it is then there is no changing someone who can't.
On the other hand, it could just be some complications in the work place, etc.
I hope things start looking up for you good luck!
2007-11-26 05:02:37 · answer #3 · answered by Danielle 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First you said:
"My husband is going through a rough spell at work, little money coming in"
Then you said:
"Like this weekend he was remodeling the bathroom and I tried to help but he became frustrated because he messed it up."
The two do not match. Remodeling is usually a female request. A man does not "remodel" his bathroom unless it is for a woman. This could be the problem. He is doing something for you. If you want to do something for HIM... have sex any time he does intiate it.
2007-11-26 05:37:34 · answer #4 · answered by tom bailey 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like he is stressed over the situation and thinking about it too much until you are able to distract him from that. It might help if you sit down and write out a budget, if you haven't already, and that gives him a way to do something about the situation rather than wait for it to get better. With a budget for expenses, you may be able to find things you can do without in order to have a little extra to go out and do things to relieve the stress in both of you. Good Luck!!
2007-11-26 05:04:34 · answer #5 · answered by Al B 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You just need to give him a little space to deal with all the issues he has going through his head. Be less forward and direct when you want attention or sex, make it so he feels that it is him coming on to you. Lastly just tell him that you love him and that you're there for him no matter what. You said you know things will get better financially so just ride the storm out a bit longer. Good luck!
2007-11-26 04:59:01 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I won't speak for others, but I'll give you my two cents.
When I'm grumpy about work or whatever, sex is not high on the list, at least not initially. Flirting with a guy that is not interested is not very helpful.
Focus on alieveiating the stress first, tell him he looks tired, fix him a martini (or whatever he prefers), tell him to take a break and get a beer at the bar, remind him that you've been through tough times before and got through it together.
Then once he is relaxed, pinch his butt, or whatever you do to flirt.
Failing that, slip him a viagra when he isn't looking!
2007-11-26 05:24:46 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think its the combo of finances and remodeling struggles.My husband tends to do the same thing...well,without the expletive...but as a married couple,when either one of you is anxious,angry,etc..all you've got to bounce your stress off of at the end of the day is each other.Let him know that his affection was what you were seeking to begin with and forgive the choice of words and ask that he improves on that next time as it hurt your feelings.
I'm sure you'll figure something out...you all have been married for 20 yrs!Thats alot to be proud of.
2007-11-26 05:04:02 · answer #8 · answered by justsayin... 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
They say financial stress is the number one reason for divorces. You need to just let him get his mind right. He is probably thinking a lot trying to figure out what to do for his family. Men don't think like us girls do. Don't argue with him it will just make things worse. Maybe plan a romantic dinner at home and rent a movie. It's not very expensive and he might be surprised and you might get some!
2007-11-26 05:00:31 · answer #9 · answered by sushi girl 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let him simmer for a while and leave him in peace. Sometimes men have a hard time with their egos. Maybe he's scared that you'll find him worthless if his job folds up. Give him his space and just be gentle with him. A foot massage with no strings attached might do. Don't expect him to "perform" in bed for the mean time and be a friend, listen to him if he starts talking.
2007-11-26 04:58:33 · answer #10 · answered by Equinox 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋