Why is this bothering me so much? Is it normal for something of this nature to hurt me so badly?

Question

We spent the weekend with my inlaws. Yesterday, we were all playing cards and I got up to get something to drink. After I was done pouring my drink I turned back around and saw my mother inlaw and husband whispering. My father inlaw was sitting next to them but I don’t think he was paying any attention to them. I asked what they were whispering about in a joking way, and my husband said “I wasn’t whispering about anything” and it said it as if he was placing the blame on his mother. So I looked at her and she didn’t say anything. I sat back down and continued to play cards but I was pissed and stopped talking. Not even 15 to 20 minutes later I was turned around watching the football game, waiting for my husband to shuffle the cards. I turned back around and they were whispering again and my husband was the one talking. He was moving his hands and when I looked at him he played it off. I was livid at this point and about ready to tell him to take me home.

He could definitely tell that I was upset. It took all I had to fight back the tears. I could see him out the corner of my eye and he kept shaking his head as if he couldn’t understand why I was getting so upset. I eventually calmed down hours later and things sort of went back to normal. On the way home I brought up the subject and he became very offensive. He said he gets so sick and tired of me assuming things and taking things out of context. He claims the only thing he told his mother was I wasn’t going to like the drink. The thing is, I had already tasted it in front of them and said I thought it was okay. It was after I turned my back and turned back around that they were whispering. When I told him that he said he didn’t remember all the circumstances around it. But then I asked him about what they did at the card table. He said he didn’t remember that either. This isn’t the first time that they’ve done this. Once they were laughing at an inside joke about my father inlaw.

I asked what they were laughing at and neither of them would say anything. It wasn’t until later on that evening that my husband could see that I was offended because they were whispering and making gestures that he actually told me. It’s not that I wanted to know what they were talking about – it’s that I think it’s so rude and tacky for people to whisper with others in the room. My husband is a mama’s boy and I really didn’t realize how far gone he was until after I married him. They have a close relationship and I don’t have a problem with that, although I know they think I do. Whatever was said yesterday doesn’t matter to me. What matters is that he is supposed to be my husband so he’s not supposed to make me feel uncomfortable for any reason. I really don’t believe him. He has a history of lying and especially when he thinks it’s going to cause more problems for us.

I am at work today and I am so down. To the point of crying. I am thinking about going home, packing my stuff, and walking away for good. It’s been a rough 3 years for both of us. We’ve had issues due to his infidelity, lying, porn addiction, etc. So I think this is another attempt for him to try to smooth me over. I don’t know why, but I just can’t believe him.

Not that my insecurities haven't caused any issues. But the bulk of our problems are due to his dishonesty.

Neither he or his family doesn't celebrate holidays so he wasn't planning any gift ideas.

Answer 1

I think whispering is rude because it is done in front of people who are being "talked" about. You have a right to be upset.

Answer 2

Do you have issues with trust or have had people make fun of you in the past? Are you insecure? I ask these questions because I do, am, and would feel as you do. It does seem a bit rude but not unusual. Your husband should be more sensitive to your feelings but let's be real because a lot of men aren't that sensitive. They don't understand. Your husband should be straight with you but since he's not then you should have a talk with him and tell how you feel. Assuming that he cares and loves you, he should be able to make amends. Tell him what you want from him. A big problem could be that he doesn't know what to do. This whispering,etc talk may be normal for his family. He may not have control over that. I would tell him that he should tell you if there is anything negative or criticism about you. If there is a problem, you can't do anything about it if you aren't aware of it. It does sound like you are outnumbered and feel left out. They should make an effort to include you but since they aren't, maybe you can bring a friend?

Answer 3

Your husband and mother-in-law's behavior was very rude. That is no way to treat any guest in their home.

It may be considered some sort of bonding act between them or simply something done in fun, but you weren't in on the joke and it was done at your expense. When they realized that it upset you, they should have apologized to you--even if it wasn't an big deal as far as they were concerned. Right or wrong, it appeared to be a big deal to you.

From now on, you know the kind of people that you are dealing with. You expressed your feelings to your husband, and it is his place not to encourage that sort of behavior with his mother when in your presence.

At the next family gathering, you can give them a dose of the same medicine, but I wouldn't waste the time and energy doing that. Don't sink to their level. Rise above it and try not to let it bother you. If their insensitive behavior is acceptable to them then, believe me, nothing they have to whisper about would be worth your tears.

ADDITIONAL INFO:
I'm really sorry to hear about the other problems in your marriage. It's tough to trust and respect a man that has behaved the way you've described. I'm particularly concerned about his pornography addiction because, unless he is getting help, his craving for it will only intensify and turn very ugly. This issue and his recent behavior towards you shows a distinct disrespect toward women. I hope you have no small children in your home. If so, they will need to be protected. I am very concerned for you, and I certainly understand your feelings of depression.

Usually, I advocate standing by your man and working through problems "til death do us part." However, in your case, I would seriously consider ending the relationship or at least separating yourself from it until you can be more objective, gain some self confidence and a sense of independence. It could do wonders for your self esteem.

Based on what you've shared here, your current marital relationship has disaster written all over it. There's no trust or respect, there's a history of betrayal and that pornography issue is huge. Without serious professional help, I would not choose to live in the same household with the man. This is not the kind of relationship that God intended for a husband and wife to share.

Answer 4

I agree with you and the way you feel. This was so disrespectful, and there should be no reason to whisper about anything - especially considering you two are in the same room..... he needs to start respecting his wife more and not let his mother have influence over your relationship. She sounds like a jealous and catty woman, although difficult, you must try and ignore her!

Infedelity, and you took him back? Maybe this is why he is now lacking respect for you? I understand exactly why you are upset, but please don't let your emotions get the best of you..... write down exactly how this makes you feel (but straight to the facts - not all wordy; i.e.: when you and your mother did this it made me think this and feel this)... Let him know that it hurts to the point where you want to leave.

Have you two taken councelling since all of his previous poor behaviours? If you haven't, it should be considered. You need to find a way to get over all of this if you want to stay with him... otherwise move on with your life, infedelity is reason enough to leave.

Answer 5

As I agree with you that whispering is rude, it makes people think they are being talked about. Even so, no need to take this whole thing out of proportion. It appears him and his mom just like to play games and be secretive. I can understand how this bothers you, but your husband already told you he holds back from being truthful with you for fear you will get upset. This indicates you get upset a lot so he feels apprehensive about this. Also, you are wrong is thinking your husband is responsible for all things that make you uncomfortable, for the it is unfair for you to think his world needs to evolve around what pleases you and what does not. Mind you, your feelings should be of concern to him, but he most likely feels this whispering thing is just a fun thing he and his mom do. Forget it, and next time just try and avoid it, it is not worth it for this childish gesture on their part to let it upset you so. .

Answer 6

Paranoia is a bi*ch isn't it. His mother could've been whispering Christmas gift ideas to him for you. Or something like that and you would've had no reason to be pissed. Or it could've been some deep family secret that she was updating him on that had you not gotten so upset by assuming something you would've found out. Just calm down, relax and remember that just because two people are whispering it doesn't mean it is about you.

Answer 7

Girl, you know the answer in your heart but it's painful I know. This man is not going to change and neither is his family. Don't waste another day or anymore tears on this fool. It's only going to bring you more heartache.

There are plenty of good hearted men out there so don't sell yourself short. Move on and keep your dignity. You have done nothing wrong.

God Bless

Answer 8

My husband used to do this same thing all the time I would catch him and his mother whispering all the time and it made me angry as well. I told my husband how I felt and told him he could tell me anything he could tell his mother from then on if I caught them whispering I would either butt into their conversation or call my husband away pretending I needed his help with something.

Answer 9

My heart goes out to you. They all treated you very meanly and it is your husbands job to be on your side, and support you. He needs to learn this sooner than later because you are not going to be a door mat. Be strong dear, it may take time to undo what's been done in his head by his family, but if you love him, and he loves you, try to work it out. In the new year if he hasn't changed, then maybe you need to think about moving on. You deserve better. Loretta

Answer 10

it seems that something wrong was said obviously, i think that you should talk to him again and if he refuses, pick up the phone and call you MIL and ask her right on the spot. tell her that it is rude and that you expect to be treated differently. sounds like he is too immature to say what he thinks out loud. you deserve respect. this has happened to me a few times at my in laws and i just bluntly say that it is disrespectful to whisper when others are around, and ask what it is about. that really puts an end to it.

Answer 11

Be happy with who you are....Ignore them. I have crazy in laws I use to tell them what I felt...But as time passes If we visit them there is a time limit and I leave! Some people are never going to be nice and considerate or even care for you and your feelings. You have to know going over there, for see, the gravel shaking if things don't go right. (smile)