Am I wrong in all this?

Question

My hubby &I have have just come out of some serious stuff. He began chatting with other women online & txt.this made me insecure &I began snooping. this made the stuff worse coz he just saw me as a woman who had major issues. well, I took care of my issues &he did the same.He never saw this as cheating , but I felt it was. anyway I stopped going thru his phone &things. one of the major things I had with all this is that some of the women, he met online so I told him that it made me uneasy to know that he still has a hi5 profile but I was going to trust him. he said that he was going to get rid of all the women he might cause problems. well ,we just got him a laptop &saturday night , he was doing a lot of research for his upcoming court case. I came to kiss him good night &saw that he was browsing the pictures &profile of a woman on facebook.it kind of took me by surprise . anyway , last night I told him that seeing him going thru that womans pictures kind of made me a bit uncomfortable

he got mad at me &said why should I be uncomforatbale when he is just looking at the people he has added to his facebook profile. I had no clue he had a facebook profile but anyway , he can have the profile , my issue was to let him know that it made me uneasy , considering our past. he did not see it like that , he just said that I had issues coz I dont want him to have friends because I just think he is trying to hook up with any any womn he meets. i told him that i felt that with our past history , he had cut down on making new friends with women online .he said that we both meet new people everyday &he can talk to them without me thinking the worst. the reason I brought it up with him was to let him know that it made me uneasy ,not that I think he is up to something but uneasy because it is something I am trying to get used to.well, he told me that he is tired of my issues and He cant deal with that I have stopped snooping and searching for stuff.I have changed , he wont see that

Answer 1

Well I think that he is a big loser and you do not need to be with someone who treats you like this I know you must love him btu I am pretty sure if you were doing something like this the book would be different I mean the story well anyway you need to put your foot down and you need to show him who is boss and by that I mean you are going to have to stop making things matter for instance what he is looking at on the computer who cares. You should not just forget him he is not worth your stress I know you love him and you do not want to lose him but instead of looking over his back find something else to make yourslef feel good go get your nails down your hair make yourself look nice and when you do by yourslef a new dress and make a nice dinner for you and him and if does not apperciate at it. Then get out of the house for a few days and let him feel then pain you are the better half in this relationship and get this without you he is nothing. Build your self esteem make yourslef feel good.

Answer 2

I agree with ee. HE has issues. Just because you trusted your gut instinct and snooped does not mean you have issues. I have caught more than one guy cheated by snooping and I would do it again if my gut told me something was off. It's not about snooping, it's about trust, and he broke yours down a little bit. It's about watching out for yourself and not accepting lies and half truths. Sometimes you have to find out for yourself, especially if the guy is not talking. I REFUSE to be lied to so if I feel like I am, I snoop and find things out...I've never been wrong.

The bottom line is that no other woman should be worth upsetting you. You told him you were uneasy and he is not taking your feelings to heart. He is being insensitive and selfish. If he told you that a certain guy bothered you I'm sure you would do what you could to put him at ease (I would and I would expect the same from my man). A relationship takes mutual respect and loyalty...seems a bit uneven in this case.

Answer 3

call me old fashioned but u shld b the only girl he wants regular attention from - maybe the odd double look from a passer by in the street is ok, but nt regular contact, unles you are all mutual friends,
There are plenty of guys to chat to on line, so y is he looking up the women ?
I dont think there is any smoke without fire,

You have put him on red alert by checking his phone so he will b covering his tracks at the moment.

I would be cool about it all, wait a few months, then do some more detective work.

Its decietful and underhand, but it could save you many years of heartache.
If he is the cheating kind, you will lose many years of your life to someone who don't really love you and the sooner you find out - the better.

Does he have a lot of female friends ? did he have a lot of female friends when you met him ?
Do you know any of his female friends ?

sorry - call me cynical, but unfortunatley men are lead by what hangs between their legs, it's not their fault that they are so shallow - its their hormones - but if u have married a man who can't control his urges, you will be the 1 picking up the pieces, he will off with someone new blaming you for his infidelity, by saying u were too posessive.

I hope im wrong and he is just a genuine, faithfull but sociable guy

Answer 4

Thanks to the internet we now have tons more ways to connect with people - such as Y/A. Unfortunately, it blurs the lines between what is friendly contact and what is potentially harmful to relationships and marriages.

If flirting cheating? Is chatting and getting personal with a member of the opposite sex cheating? No, but it can lead to it.

Online friends are fantasy friends. There is no responsibility and none of the mundane things that make life with the real people in your life so challenging.

It sounds great that you and he are talking about it at least. Maybe some ground rules would help, ie. looking but no contact (?). I don't know - there's a lot of grey area that is new to all of us because never before have there been so many ways to 'meet' people.

Answer 5

Yes, you are 100% WRONG in this.
I have a Yahoo 360 page with 45 friends, 43 of whom are female.
I coorespond with these wonderful woman on a daily basis, and am honored to call them "friends".
I also IM (instant message, it's like a phone call, but you type your conversation, as opposed to talk) with several of them on a regular basis.
I am also married, and have discussed my online lady friends at lenght with my wife.
Although she was a bit jealous at first, after patiently and honestly explaining the nature of these "relationships", as well as explaining the meanings behind certain things she had seen, she is now totally comfortable and trusting about my activities.
You & your husband need to discuss the situation, and if everything is on the up and up, as mine is, you will have a better understanding and trust of one another.
If anything, YOU are the one at fault. Had you been my wife, and gone through my phone and computer looking for whatever it is you were looking for, we would have had a serious problem.
Your trust issues seem to go far beyond his online activities.
Good luck to both of you.

Answer 6

The only thing wrong here is the way your husband feels he can manipulate you, making you feel as if you have issues, when in fact he is the one who should not be emailing other women for whatever excuse he gives to you. Your husband did the typical thing by turning his bad doing around on you by saying to you that you have issues. You say you agreed to trust him and yet he has not given you any reason to do so. Trust, once broken must be earned. He continues to email other women and expects you to trust him. What he is really saying is "shut up and leave me alone to email who I want". Stand up for yourself and stop letting him manipulate you. To him you are a pushover who believes anything he tells you. If you do not want him to email women then you must make it clear to him and your actions need to back you up on this or your words will go on deaf ears.

Answer 7

You are supposed to be interested in your spouse. Ask your husband why he feels it is necessary to do this activity. Ask him also if he would like you doing the same. See if he is open to marriage counseling. Try marriage counseling first. It does not have to cost anything. See if there is a free reputable marriage counseling outfit near you. You may need an unbaised individual that can help you and your husband.

Does your husband understand that going from woman to woman could indicate deep emotional problems on his part. After all you are not resonsible for him and his actions. Just your own.

Answer 8

A bit uncomfortable? OMG! He is doing you way wrong. He should not be browsing pics of women on facebook or any other book! The laptop is just an excuse so he can now hide everything he's doing from you. Basically he's going to continue his current behavior and hide it from you. Any man that would keep doing that kind of thing is a player and not a husband.

Answer 9

Talk to him about why he's doing this. Why is he looking up other women online? Is he feeling unwanted in your marriage? Is he looking for a quick fling or an old friend? You need to try to get to the bottom of his actions and not just look at what's happening on the surface. Once you find out what's making him do this, you'll be able to fix the problem.

Answer 10

I'm glad you were able to talk to your husband openly about it. It seems as if he could be going down a road that can lead to cheating. He may not think he is doing anything wrong, but telling him it makes you uncomfortable and that you wish he would spend that time with you instead will do one of two things. You will either grow closer, or learn that he doesn't care and may eventually cheat. It is better to learn this now than years and kids down the road.