I told him I wasnt ready . . .?

Question

My husband and I ran into some fnancial problems and we were in danger of being forclosed. He wanted us to tell our families but I told him that I wasn't ready for that. Right now, it's OUR problem and since we seem to be getting control of the situation, there really isn't much to tell. I gave him a few other reasons why we should hold off telling them.

This weekend, just before we walked out the house on our way to see his mom, he says to me "By the way, I told my mom about our financial problems." I couldn't even react. I felt so betrayed and violated. I asked him when this happened. His response -- "last week".

Now he's telling me that I'm overreacting. That he ddn't set out to tell her . . . "it just happened". The more he gave me details & excuses on how "It just happened", then angrier I got. When I asked why it took him so long to at least tell me he'd told her, he said that he forgot. Am I being unreasonable by feeling betrayed and violated?

He wasn't telling her so that she can help. We've come up with the money and have scheduled the moneyto hit the wire later this week . . . a week before the the date the bank gave us. I'm not too proud to ask for help. Pride has nothing to do with why I'm upset with him.

Answer 1

You are right, if you agreed not to tell them and then he did, he should not have, it is your (both of you) business.

Make it clear that this is upsetting to you, but don't make too big of a deal out of it, give him a chance to show he heard you the next time.

Answer 2

He was wrong, and the fact that he is uncaring about it signals a bigger problem. Talk to him about how upset you are that your private family matters are now public knowledge. Tell him you prefer to work things out between the two of you and not add your problems to other peoples problems. But you have to stay calm!!

Forgive him for telling her, but remind him that you ha discussed not sharing that with them. Tell him that you feel betrayed and that this is a big deal for you. It's not even about what he said, but about the fact that he went behind your back and did something you had discussed not doing.

Your feelings are justsified, but his may be as well. He may fel close to his family and being able to share what he is going through is a good thing. He just didn't understand how much it would upset you that he turned to other people instead of you. Maybe he went seeking advice? In an effort to help the problem, not hide it.

Share your feelings, but cut him some slack. His intentions may have been good. He may have just needed it off his chest. Maybe he felt that he was betraying his family by keeping secrets from them.

Talk about it, move on and get your finances under control.

Answer 3

When you guys had the conversation about how you wanted to wait to tell everybody--had he already told her at that point? If so then I would be ticked, because he purposely kept that info from you. But if he hadn't told her yet, then it's completely possible that he didn't really mean to let that out. Some people just have very open communication styles and are not that good at keeping a secret.

In any case, he should apologize especially if you tell him how violated you feel.

And then after he says sorry, you should move on...because it's really not that big of a deal in the long run.

Answer 4

This is not the real reason you are upset. You are having a difficult time facing your situation head on and you two deal with things differently.

He is the type of person who needs to talk with others about issues going on. He looks for advice and help wherever he can get it. He wasn't trying to disrespect you, he was only trying to deal with this the best way he knows how. He probably went to his mom looking for comfort and advice, and doesn't see any point to hiding it to those who matter most in his life.

You are the type of person who likes to cover up the difficult things and pretend everything is perfect all the time. You don't like others knowing what is going on in your life in fear of being judged and shunned. You don't see the value in reaching out to others to help you in difficult times and help to minimize the pain.

There is nothing wrong with either approach, you two just need to understand your different ways of thinking and work on it from there. Don't let this get the best of your situation, you are both being selfish by not respecting the other persons way of dealing with hard times. This is a real test to the strength of your marriage! Best of luck - you can make it through!

Answer 5

Yes you are. Get over it.

When you are in trouble raise your hand and ask for help. The sooner the better. Get over being prideful to the point that it hurts you both, and anyone that you will ultimatley ask for help.

Which would be better? Asking for help early on when people can strategies and formulate a meaningful plan that will help everyone in the long term, or to have a knee jerk call for help from you that comes so late that they can't assist you.

My son called me the day that he went to bankruptcy court. Now what the heck could I do to help him then? If he called me a month earlier when the date was scheduled I could have come up with enough money to get him caught up on all his back payments. Now he is loosing the home. What stupidity.

Call them as soon as you can. Plan to pay them back using a monthly payment plan and make sure you live up to the plan.

cheers.

Answer 6

You have a reason to be upset, but not the feelings of being "violated and betrayed."

That is a little extreme. Are you sure you are just not looking for an excuse to be upset with him?

What are the real issues that you are ignoring? It sounds like you need to face the reality of your situation.

Good luck.

Answer 7

I didn't read where the two of you agreed not to tell. You only stated that you told him your feelings about the situation, but you didn't indicate that he agreed not to say anything. Perhaps you were assuming that your husband would respect your feelings, like a real husband should. I don't blame you for being hurt.

Answer 8

i think that some people are dismissive when they know that they have done something wrong, maybe he didnt mean to tell his mum, it just slipped out, but then he didnt know how to tell u bcos he knew he had let u down.

It is horrible being lied to and i would go mental - but it's probably better to stay calm and stick together like glue, the coming months will rock things enough as it is - financial worries are rotten - good luck n stick by each other **

Answer 9

He should have respected your wishes not to tell everyone and consulted you before he told his mother. I'd feel betrayed too, so I don't feel you are being unreasonable at all. Try to forgive him so you can work on your financial situation without ill feelings

Answer 10

Long story short, you are right. It's a problem between you and him to resolve. Not an issue for extended family. But be prepared for many others to take his position......Those who may not have achieved full maturity and true independence.