What do you think of my poem "House of the Dead: My Home Too"?

Question

I looked around
The sky was interesting
The moon was in the white sky and the sun was going down

I looked around
There were comforters and comfortees
I was suppose to be a comforter

I looked around like a tourist
as if the funeral-to-be was a spectacle
I was in my role of observer
and I saw my co-worker’s white face
without makeup was still quite pretty
Did her grief add to or subtract from her beauty?

I saw the mounds of dirt
some with flowers and some without
I tried not to think what it meant
what those mounds of dirt meant

The wife of the dead man fainted
I had been told that she didn’t love her husband
Then I remembered my friend telling me
the dead man took too long to die
the family prayed for his death

I looked around at the death party
Some people looked quite ordinary
as if this was just an ordinary outing
they exchanged pleasantries and made small talk
After the father of my co-worker was buried
I waited on line for my turn to hug her and say I’m sorry

As we rode in the car, leaving the dead behind
we were quite boisterous
One of the women called her daughter
to discuss what they had for lunch

The mounds of dead with or without flowers
The mourners crying or not crying
The moon’s turn to dominate while the sun is going down
And I am trying for once in my life not to think,
think that I will be home soon

Josh: You asked why is this in the senior citizen category? Because I tried poetry and psychology and I got very few answers. I just thought perhaps seniors might be interested in this topic.

Answer 1

Those are interesting lines. It's almost a "stream of consciousness" composition instead of poetry. You got the mood, atmosphere and thoughts right to make me see the graveyard through your eyes.

Thanks for sharing it with all of us.

Answer 2

i think of its ok in basic terms the time of day looks too off the time funerals are frequently going on. or according to danger the sunlight placing and the moon increasing is greater of an precis ingredient the two way im no longer that into poems.

Answer 3

It's a good read and/or factual observation. Although I'm a realist, believe more in upbeat parts of life and there's never too much humor -- therefore wouldn't complate your offering very long at all. -- no offense intended.

Answer 4

I think you should post it in poetry or somewhere else. Us senior citizens don`t want to read about death and graves.

Answer 5

Somewhat sad and morose - more a musing than poetry IMHO

Answer 6

I'm by no means an expert, but it seems kind of rambling. Keep working on it.

Answer 7

Well, its deep, it's good, but its not the best. It doesnt have that natural flow if you know what i mean? Just being honest...

Answer 8

Kinda morbid, sorry

Answer 9

why is this in the senior citizen category?

Answer 10

good