My boyfriend of 4 years STILL will not let me interact with his teen girls. What now?

Question

After 4 years, my boyfriend lives two lives between myself and his 2 teen daughters. When they are with him, I am not allowed to even show my face. If I call, he cuts me short. Granted, their mother is a freak and 2 years ago he spent $30,000 in legal fees to regain partial custody when she convinced the girls to stop visiting him. Because of all that, he fears that their mother's hate for me will convince the girls to shun him again if I'm ever around. Although he insists that he loves me, I think that this is baloney and an excuse to not have to further commit to me. When I ask him to talk to his children about me, he says that they say that they are happy without me around and that he will not force them to change their minds. This angers me, as I know that not too far in the future, these kids are going to have boyfriends of their own, yet because of them I am not able to have a normal relationship with MY boyfriend. Except for this, we are great together. I need some help

Answer 1

Except for this you are great together? THIS is huge, my dear! Not being a part of this man's family is a serious issue, and one that really should be a deal breaker for you. If his love for you were as strong as you claim, he would be including you in every single aspect of his life. While it is understandable that his ex wife is a psycho (I have to deal with that on my husbands end as well), it really is not up to his teenage girls as to whether or not they meet you. If he wants it to happen he will tell them "I want you to meet this woman that has been and will continue to be a huge part of my life" and then deal with any issues that they have regarding it. A man in love does not back down because of his children, ex, parents, or anyone! Of COURSE the kids are going to be happier without you around---my stepsons are happier when they have alone time with their dad as well, and that should always continue to some degree anyway----BUT their happiness should NOT come above yours, unless of course you are not as important to him as you may be thinking.

Your relationship has been this way for four years. Don't you think at some point it is going to have to move forward or stop? How long can you continue being in the closet? The teenage daughters will not shun him if they love him---but he seems to be very insecure about his parenting, not to mention himself. If he is not sticking up for you and advocating for you, he is not a good partner for you. Dating a divorced man is not easy---but he is clearly not ready to start a real life that includes you if he keeps you out of it in this manner. You have some tall thinking to do, and I feel for you.

Answer 2

A Father can be very protective of his children after a divorce. Not rushing to introduce them to his new girlfriend, is a way to protect their innocence. Introducing a new "mother" figure into their lives, too quickly, can hurt them emotionally. Each parent is protective of their children to a different degree and each child grows emotionally at different speeds. He is in the best position to determine what is in the best interest of his children. Either accept that fact or end the relationship and move on. I went through this exact situation after my divorce. I wanted to date right away to show my ex-wife how foolish she was. One day when my daughter was 9 years old, I sat on the couch with her and asked her how she would feel about me bringing a date home. Instantly, tears filled her eyes and she leaned forward and hugged me and begged me not to see anyone but mommy. I saw how fast her eyes filled with tears and I knew I would never put her through this pain again. I assured her I would not date anyone else and I have kept my word to her. She is 17 years old now and I will wait until she is 19 years old before I sit her down again and have this conversation. I love my daughter more than my own life and her happiness is my first priority.

Answer 3

I think you have a wonderful man. He is doing the right thing. Divorce is such a huge loss for children, and then when you add in new boyfriends or girlfriends, it can be so much harder on them. If you are invited in on these limited hours they get to spend with their dad, they would lose him even further - they will not get the attention they need from their dad - they will have to deal with a "couple" instead. (no offense against you - I am sure you are a wonderful person) You boyfriend understands all that, which is great.

I would accept the situation as it is.. I think if you are involved with a man that has children, you do not have the same situation as other people. When the girls are older - ie 18, then you two can get married and then it is time for the girls to deal with it. Right now, they are children though, and deserve to have a dad. Talk to you boyfriend about what he thinks about marriage when they are 18 - probably only 4 years or so from now.

Answer 4

You won't like this, but I side with the guy. I like a guy who stands by his children and puts aside whatever he must to be commited to them, it just sucks for you because you are one of the things he sets to the side for them. Would you want him to be any less dedicated to kids that the two of you had? My best guess is that you should do one of two things, get over yourself and get comfortable. Maybe things will change someday, and maybe he will see that you are supporting him through a tough time and maybe once his girls are older then the two of you can have more of a life together. The other option is to break things off, which is what I actually predict will happen (not intentionally being a jerk, just making a judgement call). If you keep pressing him one of two things will happen, you'll get ticked enough to leaved him or he will be ticked enough to leave you. So if you want things to work out, my suggestion is back off, it's his kids for crying out loud, don't ever force that decision, it should always fall in their favor if it's a good father.

Answer 5

You have been with this guy for FOUR years and you dont' know his children. This is a major part of this man's life. This means this is a huge aspect of this man that you are not getting to know. After FOUR years there should be a stronger commitment to you and your relationship. This man is not giving you the commitment you want from him. You deserve someone that it going to treat you as though you are apart of all aspects of his life. It seems that he has too many issues to be able to give you what you need. As hard as it may seem he is not the right man for you because he is unable to give you what you need. I am sure that he is great to you when you are together. That you have fun and care very deeply about each other. However there is a point in a relationship where it needs to move forward to have a deeper commitment and he is not willing to go there with you. Come on FOUR years...that's crazy! At this point you only have two choices:
1. Accept that you won't know everything about this man and are going to live on the back burner hoping that one day he will give you what you need.
2. End the relationship because you deserve to be treated like the queen of his life. That you deserve to have someone share their life with you.

I wouldn't like to be hidden in the closet from some of the most important people in his life. It's not like you have been dating 10mths...this is four years. This is going to sound harsh but I think you need to end it with him. Tell him that he is not meeting your needs that you feel that you should be apart of his childrens life. Tell him you love him and you enjoy the time you share with him but you need more and deserve more. This guy has too many issues to deal with that he is not going to be able even if you ask him and give him the ultimatium. You need to move on and keep your life open for someone that will treat you the way you want and need to be treated. One day he will feel lonely and think about you and realize the mistake he made (maybe) and by that time you will have found your prince.

If you end the relationship please don't continue a friendship with him. I think it will be too hard on you to move on if you do that because you do care about him. That's the hardest is moving on from a relationship that you know isn't good for you but doing it for the better of what is to come in the future.

In time trust me you will find someone that will be your prince. Don't let this go on any longer. You are making your life stale by doing this.

Actions speak louder then words when someone loves you. If he says the words to you realize that he is not making you the center of his life.

I married someone with a child but our relationship comes first no matter what. I'm the one that will be with him when his kid grows up and children need to see that. They need to know that their parents relationships are strong and healthy. Even when he and I have kids of our own our relationship will come before our own kids. That's healthy! That's what makes us a team.

Answer 6

He is RIGHT

You are trying to ROb the girls of their time with DAD

If he is spending time on the phone with you, then he isn't spending that precious time with the girls

If you are there its uncomfortable for the girls,
and a dad is distracted from them,

If you need his attention that badly then perhaps your not mature enough to be in a relationship

Let me ask you a question, who should his priority BE
You or them,

Who's feellings should be his priority, yours or theirs

As you have said, the girls decided to stop seeing dad altogether, because he was distracted with YOU

HE spent 30 thousand dollars on legal fees, JUST to get to the point where he is at NOW, Why would a sensible person choose to ruin things again, next time it will be 60 thousand

He is a good father, many men make themselves the priority,
he is putting his needs second

and the needs of his kids first,

You seem very selfish, and need to be more understanding,

His kids are teenagers, and will have boyfriends and leave home for college, ECT,,

Why not give him his space to enjoy his kids,

And if you want to marry this man then you need to be more tolerant,

But I think your finally realizing, that HE most likely won't want more children,

He might marry you but not for a few more years,

Tell your man I am proud of him, alot of fathers don't make their kids their first priority, BUT he has,

Hats off to him he is a good and loyal man,

M

Answer 7

There was a lawsuit so you need to check out the written agreement he signed about access to his kids, which may oblige him to keep his girlfriends away from his kids. Before you get hacked off with your boyfriend, give him the benefit of the doubt till you've read the agreement for yourself. If it is an exclusive deal then you will have to accept it as a fact of life, but if it doesn't contain any such stipulation, you need to talk this out with your boyfriend.

Answer 8

You need to decide where you relationship with this man is going. Here is why. If there are no plans for marriage in the very near future (and an engagement ring already picked out) then I have to agree with the actions your boyfriend is taking when it comes to his kids. Because there is no 'seriousness' to this relationship then your BF is protecting his daughters from the unnecessary stress of dealing with a 'third party' (you) that may or may not be in the picture in the future. I did not introduce my kids to my girlfriend (now wife) until I knew our relationship was going to become an engagement. I date several ladies prior to my 2nd wife and I always kept my kids and the ladies seperate.

He is protecting his kids from the emotional loss and stress of getting attached to someone only to find them gone from their lives.

Now... if you don't have marriage on the agenda then I suggest you drop this relationship and/or the desire to be with his kids. Keep in mind this is not about you, or him, or his ex wife... this is about his kids and their emotional well being. You should become involved with them ONLY when you have made the commitment for marriage and a life with him.

Good luck and I hope this helps!

Answer 9

I did this once myself. And it ended up costing me a very perfect woman. He has a right to be afraid, but you also have a right to have them in your life if he is going to be in your life. What if you wanted to be married down the road? Are you not going to be aloud to have them over because you are in the picture? You need to really talk with your BF, he needs to totally understand how it makes you feel, and if he can not respect the fact that you are wanting to be in his childrens lives as well as his, then you need to go ahead and move on hun.. But give him a chance to try, if he doesn't, then find a man that doesn't hide from commitment.

Good Luck

Answer 10

I thought that when a relationship started where one or both had kids, you got the whole package?? Sounds to me like he is either not fully commited or doesn't want to....I could understand if it had been less that a year, but 4? Come on now.......I say it's ultimatum time